When I was younger, I had an arrogance cloaked in humility, a certainty shrouded in religiosity. I was so sure that I knew the “right” ways to live, think, act, and speak that I wanted others to mirror them. I placed unreasonable expectations on people which caused tension. Rather than allowing them to be the amazing, unique people they were, I thought they should be more like me.
Author and teacher Henri Nouwen described the need for space in relationships this way:
A mature human intimacy requires a deep and profound respect for the free and empty space that needs to exist within and between partners and that asks for a continuous mutual protection and nurture. Only in this way can a relationship be lasting, precisely because mutual love is experienced as a participation in a greater and earlier love to which it points. In this way intimacy can be rich and fruitful, since it has been given carefully protected space in which to grow. This relationship no longer is a fearful clinging to each other but a free dance, allowing space in which we can move forward and backward, form constantly new patterns, and see each other as always new.
Henri nouwen, you are the beloved
As I matured over time, I realized how misguided I’d been, and that a root of my unhealthy expectations was my unrecognized fear that if they were different and “right,” then I must be “wrong.” When I backed off and gave people in my life the space they needed to be themselves, the tension drained from our relationships.
How are your relationships? Look honestly. Initiate real conversations. Share vulnerably. Apologize for unfair expectations. Cultivate healthy space for people to be fully themselves and to allow your relationships to grow. If you do, you’ll enjoy deeper connections, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.
I recently had some dating friends ask me what the “secret” was to my twenty-seven year marriage with my wife Lisa. Rather than give an off the cuff answer, we decided to get the four of us together to discuss it. Since then, I’ve been thinking about how I would answer that question. What are some of the keys to developing and maintaining not just a marriage, but any healthy, long-term relationship? As I shared in my last post, one key is intentionality, taking specific actions toward the goal of building the relationship.
The second relationship key I want to share is a little slipperier. Harder to pin down. Constantly moving and adjusting. Often unspoken and unrealized, even to ourselves. What is it?
EXPECTATIONS
What are expectations? They’re the assumptions we have about the way things will be. What’s going to happen. How life is going to work out. They can be good or bad, realistic or crazy. Our brains are loaded with expectations about everything from the weather, to how our career is going to develop, to how good a movie will be.
Relationships are no exception. We all have relational expectations whether we’re aware of them or not. They’re influenced by a lot of things – how we were raised, the relational experiences we’ve had, the relationships we’ve observed first hand, even what we’ve read about or seen on TV and in movies. We have built in, usually subconscious expectations of what our relationships will be or should be like.
So here’s the big problem:
UNMET EXPECTATIONS ARE THE GREATEST SOURCE OF RELATIONAL CONFLICT
Think of any problem in a relationship, and you can usually trace it back to an unmet expectation. It might be about sex, handling money, punctuality, cleanliness, work ethic, religion, child raising, communication, how you spend the weekends, you name it. We all have expectations about how those things will or should go in a marriage / dating / friendship / family / fill in the blank type of relationship. When our expectations are the same as those of our partner, things are usually smooth. When they’re not, we have problems.
So what’s the solution?
EXPECTATION MANAGEMENT
What do I mean by that? Let’s start with three ways you might be managing your relational expectations poorly:
You have UNCLEARexpectations – when you don’t even realize or acknowledge your own assumptions, biases, and desires for your relationships, you’re destined for trouble. If you’re feeling upset, frustrated, or angry about your relationship but don’t know why, try to pinpoint exactly which aspect(s) of your relationship is causing the disconnect. Think specifically about each area of your relationship (money, work, sex, time, communication, etc.) and see which ones cause a negative emotional reaction. A hidden unmet expectation is probably the source of your feelings.
You have UNREALISTICexpectations – when the expectations you have for your partner or relationship are too low or too high, you’re going to have problems. For example, if you don’t have a good sense of self-worth, you could have too low an exception of being treated with respect. Conversely, if you base your expectation of what your romance will be like based on what you see in movies, you’re probably setting a bar no relationship can reach over the long term.
You have UNSPOKEN expectations – when you don’t voice your relational expectations to your partner, they’re bound to cause trouble. You may subconsciously be expecting the other person to be a mind reader. While assuming a certain degree of sensitivity is reasonable, thinking “if they cared about me, they would just know” is usually not. When you assume the other person understands your unspoken expectations and still fails to meet them, then you assign bad motives to their behavior when in many cases they are completely unaware that they’re disappointing you.
Now let’s look at three ways you can counter those problems and manage your relational expectations well:
IDENTIFY your expectations – think through what you believe should be true, or what you desire to be true, about your relationships in various areas (money, work, sex, time, communication, etc.). If it’s not clear to you, it’s probably not clear to your partner.
BALANCE your expectations – as with most things in life, it’s all about balance. About being reasonable. As in our previous example, setting your assumptions for a romantic relationship based on what you see in the movies is probably too high, but settling for no romance at all is probably too low. This takes time to figure out and will change as you get to know your partner better. Their past, internal wiring, and their own set of relational expectations will impact what are reasonable expectations for them to be able to meet. There’s nothing wrong with setting growth goals for your relational expectations either, as long as you do number 3.
SHARE your expectations – in real estate, it’s all about “location, location, location.” In relationships, it’s all about “communication, communication, communication.” Once you’ve identified and balanced your expectations, it’s time to communicate them. Clearly. Repeatedly. Patiently. Gently. Respectfully. And remember that how you say something is just as important as what you say.
So how are you doing with managing your relational expectations? Are any of your expectations UNCLEAR, UNREALISTIC, or UNSPOKEN? Are you ready to IDENTIFY, BALANCE, and SHARE them? If you are, dive in! Put in the effort. It takes some work upfront, but the benefits are amazing and long lasting. You’ll feel the tension drain away from your relationships and enjoy a peace and closeness you never thought possible. You can do this! And if you do, you’ll take another giant step toward Becoming Yourself.
This post was originally published February 16, 2019.
