Becoming Yourself

Developing a Better You

Tag: helping others (Page 1 of 2)

Goal Setting for the New Year? Do a Few Things Well

December 30, 2023 / / 2 Comments

I hate New Year’s resolutions.

Given that I write a personal development blog, that may sound odd. In my experience, goals forced by a date on the calendar have not worked well. I set too many, in too many areas, and usually flame out by February.

If New Year’s resolutions work for you, fantastic. You have my respect. For me, they feel overwhelming, and my failure to meet them kills my motivation to pursue personal development. This is especially true when it comes to goals based on helping others. 

I think that’s why I responded so strongly to this quote from author and Harvard professor Henri Nouwen:

The more I think about the human suffering in our world and my desire to offer a healing response, the more I realize how crucial it is not to allow myself to become paralyzed by feelings of impotence and guilt. More important than ever is to be very faithful to my vocation to do well the few things I am called to do and hold on to the joy and peace they bring me.

henri nouwen

Here are three things I take from this:

1. Guilt is not a helpful motivator.

It may get me to do something “good” in the short term, but it won’t set me up for long-term positive impact. I’ve started and abandoned many serving efforts based on guilt.

2. Doing a few things well is better than doing many things poorly.

The list of worthy causes and suffering people is endless. It’s easy to get sucked into spreading small bits of my limited time, energy, talents, and money in many places, making little real difference. Being honest about my passions, gifts, and interests, then finding one or two areas of need to focus them on will have far greater impact. Writing this blog and giving to Heifer International are two of my focus areas in this season.

3. Enjoy the personal benefits of helping others.

While it’s hopeful not my primary reason for serving, feeling joyful and peaceful is a great perk. Those highs keep me motivated when serving gets tough. 

What are you passionate about? What are you good at? What do you enjoy doing? What are some areas of need that intersect with those things? Pick one or two projects and focus your efforts there. You’ll make a greater impact while having more fun, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

As shared in the Dec 21, 2023 Daily Meditation by the Henri Nouwen Society. Text excerpts taken from “You are the Beloved” by Henri J.M. Nouwen © 2017 by The Henri Nouwen Legacy Trust. Published by Convergent Books

What I Learned from (Almost) Passing Out in a Hair Salon

December 21, 2019 / / 0 Comments

It was mostly my own stupidity plus a little bad luck.

Last week, I had scheduled plenty of time to go home after my 11:45 am blood donation to eat a meal before my 3:00 pm haircut. Both locations are just down the street from my Sacramento apartment and easily walkable. I’d donate blood, stop home to eat and rest, then head to my haircut. No problem.

Things didn’t work out that way. When I arrived to donate, the nurse asked if I would be willing to do a double donation, simultaneously giving both platelets and plasma. She said it would take about 90 minutes. As that would still give me plenty of time before my haircut, I agreed. But the blood donation center was implementing a new software system which slowed down the check in process. Then once I had been in the chair for about 15 minutes, my left arm stopped cooperating causing an issue with the blood draw. The nurse said she’d need to switch to my right arm and start the process over again.

By the time I was actually finished donating, it was 2:30 pm. With the required 15 minute recovery period in the waiting area, I no longer had time to get a meal before my 3:00 pm haircut. I knew it wasn’t ideal, but I loaded up on the available free snacks to get me through until I got home.

As the haircut began, I started feeling a little unwell. No big deal, I thought, I’ll just gut it out. Then I began to sweat. A lot. Hair clippings were sticking to my face. I became lightheaded and nauseous. It was at that moment I realized I was in trouble. The affects of the double donation and lack of food had hit me hard, but my options seemed limited. How do you stop in the middle of a haircut? I let the stylist know what was happening and asked her to go as fast as she could.

The staff at the salon was awesome. While my stylist kicked it into overdrive, other people brought me some water and mini candy canes from the front counter. I chewed them, desperately trying to get some sugar into my system. Then my vision started to go. I could only make out blurry patches of light through the blackness as I struggled to stay upright in the chair. They offered to call 911 as my stylist finished, but I said I just needed to lie down. Two staff members helped me out of the chair and over to a nearby bench. Still unable to see clearly, I used voice command on my phone to call my wife Lisa to come and help me walk the half a block home.

My stylist stayed with me while a different staff person brought some chocolate covered pretzels from the break room. It was like handing someone dying of thirst a glass of ice water. I inhaled the whole bag. Slowly my vision came back, and with an incredible sense of relief, I felt a semblance of normalcy return. My wife arrived a few minutes later, paid the bill (including a generous tip), and after I’d offered my sincerest expressions of gratitude to all, she helped me home.

As I think back on that experience, I find myself feeling extremely grateful. Not for the sickness, or the sense of being trapped, or the embarrassment, but for the incredible generosity and kindness of a group of strangers. So often today, we hear how divided we all are, how people are selfish or mean-spirited. But that wasn’t what I saw that day. These people rallied around me, cared for me, and in no way made me feel ashamed for inconveniencing them or for making the very poor decision to not reschedule my appointment. That encounter strengthened my belief in basic human goodness.

I also realized how much I like to think of myself as independent and self-sufficient, able to handle most things on my own. That experience humbled me and reminded me that there are times in life when I really need to rely on people. That I can’t make it on my own. That on this crazy journey we call life, I need help from others just like they need help from me.

So as you go through your day, remember that sometimes you’re going to need help. It might be the physical variety, like getting sick in a hair salon. It might be emotional support, like needing a hug or someone to talk to. It could be mental assistance, like getting advice on a difficult decision. Or it could be spiritual aid, like trying to find a deeper sense of meaning or identity. Whatever type of help you need, reach out for it. Embrace it. Be grateful for it. Allow others to experience the gift of being needed. Return the favor. And be encouraged by the basic goodness of others. If you do, you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

Photo by John Baker on Unsplash

Why Am I Here? Find Freedom and Focus with an Answer to One of Life’s Biggest Questions

August 31, 2019 / / 4 Comments

Photo by Marion Michele on Unsplash

Why am I here? Why do I even exist? Have you ever asked yourself that big question? Do you ever wrestle with a nagging sense of responsibility? The feeling that you should be spending your life well but not being sure what that actually means?

I was struggling with this question back in college and came up with an answer. Thirty years later, it’s still serving me well. Having a working response to “Why am I here?” grounds me, gives me relief from guilt, and provides an overall sense of direction and focus for my life. My specific answers may not be right for you, but I hope that reading them will help you come up with your own. So here’s my take. I exist to do 4 things:

Photo by Bethany Legg on Unsplash

1. KNOW GOD – You may not believe in God. I get that. If so, feel free to skip to #2. My belief in God is based on a lot of very subjective personal experiences and some rational arguments that, while certainly not conclusive, are more compelling to me than the counter positions. I could be wrong on that score, but that’s where I’m at now. For me, this is my most important reason for existing because all my other reasons flow from it. I’ve found that pursuing a personal relationship with God fuels the other three things on my list while giving me comfort, hope, meaning and much more. 

Photo by Rendiansyah Nugroho on Unsplash

2. KNOW MYSELF – If you’ve read any of my other Becoming Yourself blog posts, you probably know that self-knowledge is a pretty big deal to me. I need a really good handle on who I am in order to become who I want to be. A sometimes painful peeling of the layers of my own proverbial onion is necessary for personal development. Since this is key to a rich, satisfying life, it comes in at #2 on my list. Here’s a few of my favorite quotes on this topic:

“All spiritual growth is no more than a matter of becoming who we already are.”  Richard Rohr

“The early Buddhist view is that much or most of the misery of human life resulted from the false view of self.”  Parfit

“To that which Thou hast made me, I aspire.”  George MacDonald

3. HELP OTHERS – Most of us would probably agree with this one, but have you ever wondered why? First off, I believe that if some objective standard of Right and Wrong exists, helping other people falls on the “Right” side of things. Second, the Golden Rule I learned as a kid still applies (“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Jesus in Luke 6:31) I definitely need and want people to help me, so it makes sense to reciprocate. Third, it makes me feel good. Giving some of my time, talents, effort, and money to lighten someone else’s load gives me good vibes in return.

Photo by Matt Collamer on Unsplash

I’m reminded of another reason for helping others – it has a positive ripple effect. My wife Lisa and I were returning from our walk one morning when we passed a disheveled elderly man yelling something at people in the park. Unfortunately, homelessness is a common problem for many in Sacramento, so he was being ignored. As I listened, I realized he wasn’t being belligerent but asking for help. I said good morning and asked him what he needed. He explained he’d just been released from the hospital and was trying to get back to his house, about a ten minute drive away. We don’t have a car in Sacramento so we called him a Lyft and explained the situation to the driver. Once we were sure she was comfortable taking the man home for us, we got him buckled into her car, paid for the ride and gave the driver a good tip.

As the Lyft was pulling away, a man walking his dog asked us if everything was all right. After we told him what had happened, he thanked us for what we’d done. He said if we all took the time to do small things like that to help each other, then we wouldn’t need as many government social programs. I was reminded that when I help people, I motivate others to do the same.

Photo by Artem Bali on Unsplash

4. ENJOY LIFE – I think that enjoying life is not just fun and relaxing but one of my key reasons for being. It makes me much more pleasant to be around and fills my emotional tank, which helps me live out the other three reasons listed above. Spending time doing things I enjoy reminds me that I’m a human being not a human doing. I could be wrong, but I think I’m more than a cosmic accident of time + matter + energy + chance. I believe I was made for joy and a relationship with God (“I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy would be complete.” Jesus in John 15:11). Lisa and I had our kids not so they could produce work but so that we could enjoy them and they could enjoy life. I think God did the same in creating me.

Photo by John Baker on Unsplash

So how about you? Why are you here? Why do you think you exist? What reasons would make your list? Take a few minutes today to think it through. Keep your answer short. Make it simple. Easy to remember. Enjoy the freedom and focus that having an answer brings. Use it as a framework to build your life around. Let it guide your future plans and daily decisions. If you do, you’ll take another giant step toward Becoming Yourself.

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