I recently published a post about being more transparent with my weaknesses. When I came across the following excerpt from the writings of Henri Nouwen, I decided to share it as a follow up on this theme of vulnerability in hopes that it helps you take another step toward Becoming Yourself.
Over the last few years I have been increasingly aware that true healing mostly takes place through the sharing of weakness. Mostly we are so afraid of our weaknesses that we hide them at all cost and thus make them unavailable to others but also often to ourselves. And, in this way, we end up living double lives even against our own desires: one life in which we present ourselves to the world, to ourselves, and to God as a person who is in control and another life in which we feel insecure, doubtful, confused, and anxious and totally out of control. The split between these two lives causes us a lot of suffering. I have become increasingly aware of the importance of overcoming the great chasm between these two lives and am becoming more and more aware that facing, with others, the reality of our existence can be the beginning of a truly free life.
It is amazing in my own life that true friendship and community became possible to the degree that I was able to share my weaknesses with others. Often I became aware of the fact that in the sharing of my weaknesses with others, the real depths of my human brokenness and weakness and sinfulness started to reveal themselves to me, not as a source of despair but as a source of hope. As long as I try to convince myself or others of my independence, a lot of my energy is invested in building up my own false self. But once I am able to truly confess my most profound dependence on others and on God, I can come in touch with my true self and real community can develop.
I’ve been plagued by questions like, “What is it really?”, “What does it accomplish?” and “Why am I so bad at it?”
I completely understand if prayer is irrelevant to your life and worldview. Please feel free to stop reading and catch the next post. But if you’ve ever wrestled with these questions, I hope my story will help.
At a conference on prayer I attended many years ago, I learned two helpful concepts that have stuck with me:
1. I don’t pray for how it changes the world. I pray for how it changes me.
I don’t claim to know how God answers prayer. There are examples in the Bible and my own life where prayer seemed to have effected earthly outcomes and other times when it didn’t. I believe God answers prayers in the way a parent answers requests from their children—sometimes yes, sometimes no, sometimes not yet. Answers from a good parent, however painful, are always given with the child’s best interest in mind. That’s where I land—I trust that God knows what’s best for the world and for me. My final prayer is always “Let Your will be done on earth, as it is in heaven.” (The Bible, Matthew 6:10)
Regardless of the outward influence of my prayers, they change me in good ways. When I pray for others, I’m more motivated to help them, and I’m jolted out of my obsession with my own problems. As I meditate on the struggles of others, I’m reminded of the sweetness of my own life. When I pray for myself, I’m reminded that I need help from Someone bigger than me to become who I want to be, providing a healthy dose of humility.
2. Prayer isn’t something you do, it’s Someone you love.
Rather than ask “Why should I pray?”, try “In a relationship, why should I talk?” You talk to get to know each other. To share information, thoughts, feelings, fears and anxieties, hopes and dreams. To deepen your connection. Because you enjoy each other’s company. That’s how I feel about talking with God. At its core, my relationship with God is just that—a relationship. What better way to grow and maintain a relationship than through talking?
Obviously communicating with God is different than communicating with another human being. The conversation often feels very one-sided. I believe there are ways to learn to listen to God’s voice, but that’s beyond the scope of this post (You can read my post on how I connect with God here).Different though it may be, prayer is the most effective way I’ve found to deepen my relationship with God.
The following excerpt from the late author, professor and theologian Henri Nouwen beautifully addresses this topic. Read his words. Try prayer, in whatever way works for you. Pray for others. Pray for yourself. Be honest. Be vulnerable. Be specific. Be grateful. If you do, I believe you’ll find a deeper, more satisfying life, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.
Why Pray? by Henri Nouwen
Why should I spend an hour in prayer when I do nothing during that time but think about people I am angry with, people who are angry with me, books I should read, and books I should write, and thousands of other silly things that happen to grab my mind for a moment?
The answer is: because God is greater than my mind and my heart and what is really happening in the house of prayer is not measurable in terms of human success and failure.
What I must do first of all is to be faithful. If I believe that the first commandment is to love God with my whole heart, mind, and soul, then I should at least be able to spend one hour a day with nobody else but God. The question as to whether it is helpful, useful, practical, or fruitful is completely irrelevant, since the only reason to love is love itself. Everything else is secondary.
The remarkable thing, however, is that sitting in the presence of God for one hour each morning—day after day, week after week, month after month—in total confusion and with myriad distractions radically changes my life. God, who loves me so much that he sent his only son not to condemn me but to save me, does not leave me waiting in the dark too long. I might think that each hour is useless, but after thirty or sixty or ninety such useless hours, I gradually realize that I was not as alone as I thought; a very small, gentle voice has been speaking to me far beyond my noisy place.
So, be confident and trust in the Lord.
This post was originally published December 4, 2021.
Daily Meditation posted by the Henri Nouwen Society, Nov 20, 2021.Text excerpts taken from “You are the Beloved” by Henri J.M. Nouwen (c) 2017 by the Henri Nouwen Legacy Trust, published by Convergent Books.
Spoiler alert—the needs of the world are endless.
Poverty. Disease. Human trafficking. Food shortage. Climate change. Homelessness. Income inequality. Racism. Cancer. War. Political division. The list goes on.
For anyone who cares about the well-being of others, this deluge of suffering can be overwhelming. It certainly is for me at times. The problems of the world seem like a vast mountain peak, and in its looming shadow, I feel incredibly small.
In the past, I’ve fallen into three responses to the world’s pain:
1. DENY – I look away. Pretend the problems aren’t there. Focus on my own needs and desires. Cling to my distractions. Operate out of selfishness.
2. DESPAIR – Help a little here. Give a little there. Half-heartedly attempt a few good deeds without any plan or purpose because deep down it all feels hopeless. Operate out of guilt.
3. DESTROY – Become consumed with serving others. Act like it all depends on me. Drive myself to exhaustion. Operate out of duty.
None of these responses proved healthy or effective long term. But is there a better way? I think some keys can be found in this quote by the late Henri Nouwen, a highly regarded author, lecturer, and Harvard professor who left his enviable position to work with mentally challenged adults:
The more I think about the human suffering in our world and my desire to offer a healing response, the more I realize how crucial it is not to allow myself to become paralyzed by feelings of impotence and guilt. More important than ever is to be very faithful to my vocation to do well the few things I am called to do and hold on to the joy and peace they bring me.
henri nouwen
The healthy response to suffering that Henri describes is:
4. DEVOTION – Acknowledge the world’s pain without being consumed by it. Find one or two areas of suffering that resonate with your heart. Use your gifts to address them well. Let other areas go. Embrace the joy and peace you find along the way. Operate out of love.
We cannot do everything, and there is a sense of liberation in realizing that. This enables us to do something, and to do it very well.
Kenneth Untener in honor of Bishop Oscar Romero
Finding and maintaining a healthy response to suffering isn’t easy, but it is possible. Find where your passions meet the world’s needs. Use your gifts to meet them in sustainable ways. Rest. Let go. Trust that others will shoulder the burdens you were never meant to carry. Be joyful. Remember that you are loved. Love yourself. Operate out of that love. If you do, you’ll do your small part to ease the sufferings of the world, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.
Prayer written by Kenneth Untener (bishop of Saginaw, Michigan, 1980–2004) in 1979 to honor Bishop Romero. See Scott Wright, Oscar Romero and the Communion of Saints: A Biography (Maryknoll, NY: Orbis Books, 2009), 153–154.
