Developing a Better You

Tag: how to overcome anxiety

How to Find Relief from Negative Emotions

If you’re anything like me, sometimes you just feel down. A general sense of malaise, a nebulous depression, an insubstantial gloom. In those moments, I’ve found significant help in trying to identify and name the source of my feelings. Finding understanding and clarity doesn’t fix my problem, but it helps me get a hold of it, makes it tangible, and gives something I can work on.

I recently read a quote that provided a new tool to do just that:

If anxieties focus on what might happen, and hurts focus on what has happened, disappointments focus on what has not happened.

Brian McLaren, Naked Spirituality

I find these three categories extremely helpful. Am I feeling low because I’m:

ANXIOUS about something that might happen?

HURT by something that has happened?

DISAPPOINTED by something that has not happened?

After asking these questions, if I’m still struggling to pinpoint the source of my feelings, I go through the categories of my life to see which one triggers a spike in my negative emotion. I get alone somewhere quiet and think about my career, my health, my finances, my wife, my kids, my friends, my parents, God, etc. I consider them one at a time, as if I’m holding that aspect of my life in front of me like a jewel and examining it from different angles. Usually, if I’m honest with myself, something clicks. I feel a “no, no, no, no, yesthat’s what I’m anxious about (or hurt by or disappointed in).”

Anxiety, hurt, and disappointment are natural, understandable human emotions. We all experience them at different levels throughout our lives, sometimes as minor inconveniences, sometimes as near death blows. It’s normal and healthy to allow ourselves to feel and process these emotions in a balanced way, neither ignoring nor wallowing in them. They often have positive things to teach us, important lessons that can help us grow into a better, happier version of ourselves.

That said, once you’ve identified WHY you’re feeling badly – because you’re anxious, you’re hurt, or you’re disappointed – here are some questions to ask yourself that may help you learn the helpful lessons and clear away the storm clouds:

ANXIETY

Is there a reasonable, fact-based probability that what I’m dreading will come to pass? What percentage of things I’ve worried about in the past have actually come true? Of those that did happen, how many were as bad as I had imagined? Is it worth allowing this potential event in the future to steal my joy and peace in the present?

HURT

Am I sure of the facts regarding the situation that hurt me? For example, was the person’s motive truly to wound me or was it unintentional? Even unintended actions can be painful, but not as much as deliberate ones. What do I wish would happen now that might help me heal? What actions do I wish others would do? Can I ask them? What actions can I take to ease my pain? Have I subconsciously participated in my own wounding?

DISAPPOINTMENT

Am I confident what I wished for would really bring me the joy I imagined? What other hope in my life has come to pass that I can be thankful for? Is there another positive future thing that I can shift my focus toward?

The next time you feel the storm clouds gather, take a moment to ask yourself – “Am I ANXIOUS about what may happen, HURT by what did happen, or DISAPPOINTED by what has not happened? What specific aspect of my life has me feeling that way?” When you’ve gotten clarity on the cause of your feelings, ask yourself the appropriate questions above. Answer honestly. If you do, you’ll feel a healing breeze begin to blow, and you’ll take another important step toward Becoming Yourself.

The quote above that served as the catalyst for this post is actually from a longer passage on prayer shared by Richard Rohr in one of his daily email meditations. If you have a more spiritual bent or are interested in how prayer helps us find God in difficult times, I highly recommend reading that post here.

This post was originally published March 28, 2020.

Feeling Anxious? Believe in Something Bigger Than Yourself

I recently felt anxious for a few days. 

Anxious about money. About my career. About my future. During my morning time of meditation and prayer on one of those days, I talked about those feelings with God. As I did, some lyrics to an unfinished song I’d written years ago came back to me:

If You carved the mountains

If You formed the valleys 

If You filled the oceans

You can care for me

If You call the sunrise

If You paint the starlight

If You hold the whole world

You can care for me

As I reflected on those words, I felt myself grow calmer. If God is who I think God is, then I’m going to be okay. My financial needs, my career, my future will work out. Do I need to plan wisely? Yes. Do I need to work diligently? Yes. Do I need to be anxious? If my beliefs are well placed, no. 

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

the Bible, philippians 4:6,7 (New living translation)

I found relief from my anxiety by believing in something bigger than myself. For me, that’s God. For you God may be a non-starter. I completely understand and respect that position. The “bigger than yourself” principle can still apply. Consider a group, an organization, a philosophy, or what twelve-step programs call your “higher power,” whatever you choose that to be. Find something bigger than yourself to believe in, to hold onto, to lean on when the anxious times come. Make it something worthy of your trust. If you do, you’ll find relief and take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

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