I’ve been looking in the proverbial mirror lately and asking:
Who am I, and what makes me, me?
I think there are four main elements that explain how I got where I am and provide a roadmap for who I want to become:
1. Nature
My personality. Temperament. Basic physical traits. Talents. Inclinations. Areas of giftedness. My hardwiring. Who I was from day one without my choice or ability to change.
2. Nurture
How I was raised. What I was taught. How I was treated. What was modeled for me. Who I was told I was. Again, this was not my choice and was beyond my control. Good or bad, I can’t change how I was nurtured.
3. Experiences
What has happened to me. Good and bad things that were thrust upon me. Things I willingly sought out. Unexpected opportunities I seized. People, places, situations and other perspectives I’ve encountered.
4. Responses
How I have chosen or am choosing to react to every experience I’ve had. When bad experiences are forced upon me, do I cling to a victim mentality or do I seek the help I need to grow, forgive and move on? When I’m exposed to another worldview, do I retreat to my comfortable preconceptions, or am I open to allowing my convictions to change? Healthy responses aren’t easy, but am I doing my best to choose them in every situation? Am I developing the skills and stamina I need to improve my reactions?
These four components have been major building blocks in forming who I am. They light the path to who I want to be. The only things that are truly in my control are the experiences I seek and how I choose to respond to ALL of my experiences, past, present and future.
So who are you really? Look back on your life. What is your nature? How were you nurtured? What experiences were forced upon you? Don’t beat yourself up over things beyond your control, but choose to address them in a healthy way. What experiences did you seek out? What unexpected opportunities have you seized? Acknowledge the impact of your choices, both positive and negative. Search for new experiences with growth potential. Choose mindfully how you respond to all your experiences. If you do, you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.
Dear God, I am so afraid to open my clenched fists! Who will I be when I have nothing left to hold on to? Who will I be when I stand before you with empty hands? Please help me to gradually open my hands and to discover that I am not what I own, but what you want to give me. And what you want to give me is love—unconditional, everlasting love. Amen.
Henri Nouwen (professor, author, theologian, 1932-1996)
Regardless of where we place ourselves on the spiritual spectrum, I believe this quote has something to teach us about identity.
There was a reason Henri Nouwen prayed those words so fervently. After nearly twenty years as a professor at Notre Dame, Yale and Harvard, Henri walked away from his lauded position in academia to work with mentally and developmentally challenged adults. His choice to step out of the spotlight forced him to wrestle with his true sense of identity.
I can relate to that struggle. I went through a similar, though far less noble, transition in my own life which led me to the same place (I wrote about that story here). With that in mind, three lessons stand out to me from Henri’s words:
1. We have a natural tendency to base our identity on things outside ourselves. A title. A position. A career. Money. A relationship. A talent. We clutch them in tight fists, fearful that if they slip away, as Henri asked, who will we be when we stand with empty hands? If I’m no longer a parent, a teacher, a musician, a business owner, a spouse, a ‘fill-in-the-blank’, then who am I?
2. This tendency is a barrier to our growth, hindering us from experiencing the life we truly desire. When we base our identity, consciously or unconsciously, on temporary, fragile things, we often live with a continual low-grade anxiety over losing them. It erodes our sense of peace, contentment, and security, and can lead to unhealthy levels of attachment. We’ve all seen examples of parents whose entire lives revolve around their child, to the detriment of both. Workaholics who live for climbing that next rung on the ladder of success. Even volunteers who, with false modesty, base their identity on the recognition they receive for their service to others. When we take what is meant to be a good segment of our lives and make it the foundation of our identity, we’re in trouble. We’re asking these things to carry a load they were never meant to bear.
3. When we courageously choose to open our hands and let go, we can find freedom, security and deep contentment. Naming and releasing things we’ve used to prop up our ego for years is not easy. But when replaced by something better, the process can yield amazing results. The source of those positive benefits depends on what you believe and where you choose to anchor yourself. Like Henri did, I find my deepest identity in being God’s child and in God’s unconditional love for me. For you, it may be in yourself or in a relationship or in the harmony of the Universe or in something else. Whatever your “it” is, make sure it’s something secure, unshakable, and worthy of being the foundation of your life.
So how about you? Have you gone through a crisis of identity? Are you in one now? Be honest about what you may be holding too tightly. Search sincerely for something you can truly believe in. Let go of life’s fragile things and trust that your secure foundation will catch you. If you do, you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.
It was a big change. After years of financial struggles, the church where I was working as music pastor merged with a giant church nearby. My heavy responsibilities of leading a small team to plan, produce, and perform at the weekend services morphed to light responsibilities of mainly singing and playing at the services as a member of a huge team. The performing side was what I enjoyed the most, so I was excited about my new role. The leadership of the church that enfolded us could not have been more gracious and welcoming, and I felt appreciated and valued. I was reveling in my significantly reduced stress level.
Over time however, I began to notice something happening inside of me. I felt a sense of discontentment and hurt, loss and confusion. I couldn’t figure out where these feelings were coming from. I wrestled with God, read widely, and talked with both my wife and my accountability partner, all in an attempt to understand what I going through.
As the months went by, I started to get greater clarity on the source of my feelings. In short, I was having an identity crisis. I realized that for the previous twenty years as a music pastor in multiple churches, I’d always been the right hand person for the lead pastor. I was consulted on every big decision the church was facing and led the organization’s most highly visible program. In my new role, I was just one of a long list of worship leaders, many layers away from the church leadership, and a full decade older than anyone else in our young music department staff. My influence, my role, and my importance rightly and necessarily diminished, not only in the overall church, but within the music team itself. While I welcomed the decrease in stress and responsibility, I was having a hard time letting go of my former status.
It was a humbling realization. I had always prided myself on not basing my identity or self-worth on my job, on what I did or accomplished. This role change, and the feelings that came from it, forced me to take a hard, honest look at myself. I had to face the reality that my job was a bigger part of my self-perception than I’d wanted to admit. I needed to work through the difficult process of reshaping my identity.
One Sunday morning during this season, I gathered with the other musicians and tech crew as usual before the services started. We had a tradition that one of us would take a few minutes to share something we were learning to help us get our minds and hearts in the right place before leading others. The person speaking that day talked about a prayer he’d found called The Litany of Humility written by Rafael Cardinal Merry del Val (1865-1930), who served as Secretary of State for Pope Saint Pius X. It goes like this:
O Jesus, meek and humble of heart, hear me.
From the desire of being esteemed, deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being loved…
From the desire of being extolled…
From the desire of being honored…
From the desire of being praised…
From the desire of being preferred to others…
From the desire of being consulted…
From the desire of being approved,deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being humiliated, deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being despised…
From the fear of suffering rebukes…
From the fear of being calumniated…
From the fear of being forgotten…
From the fear of being ridiculed…
From the fear of being wronged…
From the fear of being suspected, deliver me, Jesus.
That others may be loved more than I,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be esteemed more than I…
That, in the opinion of the world,
Others may increase and I may decrease…
That others may be chosen and I set aside…
That others may be praised and I unnoticed…
That others may be preferred to me in everything…
That others may become holier than I,
Provided that I become as holy as I should,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
There are moments when you discover something that you know is exactly what you needed. Hearing this prayer was one of those times for me. I’d been given a tool to help me reshape my perspective, my attitude, and my identity. I fervently prayed The Litany of Humility nearly every day for months. It became like a surgeon’s blade, cutting away the cancerous, infected parts of my identity.
It was a painful, yet wonderful process. As the old layers of False Self dropped away, I found a new clarity on who I was, a deeper sense of my True Self. I learned to rebuild on the most solid foundation I know by defining my ultimate identity as this: I am God’s child. That provides me with a sense of self that won’t be shaken no matter how my job titles, relationships, health, wealth, abilities, opportunities, circumstances, or the opinions of others may change over the course of my life. Working my way to that realization has given me a deep sense of freedom, peace, and joy.
That experience was one of the catalysts that led me to start this blog. So many writers have helped me on my personal development journey, serving as guides in my search for my true identity. I want you to find that help for your own journey. If anything I share here can somehow shine a little light on your path, give you some encouragement or a tool to find your True Self, then my efforts will be worthwhile.
So how about you? How do you answer what many call life’s biggest question – who am I? On what do you base your ultimate identity? What false identities do you need to let go of? Do the work. Peel back the layers of your heart. Use The Litany of Humility or something else that’s a better fit for you. Share your struggle with those you trust. Dig deep. If you do, you’ll take another huge step toward Becoming Yourself.
