I am a master of self-deception.

Time after time, season after season, year after year, I sought fulfillment in many things—relationships, praise, career, material possessions, experiences. Each time the long sought thing was finally in my grasp, I felt the same sense of disappointment. Apparently that wasn’t “it” either.

I wish everyone could get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they could see that it’s not the answer.

jim carrey, actor

I think that repeated lesson is sinking in. When I recently achieved my lifelong goal of becoming a published author and spoke to cheering crowds, had packed book signings, and traveled the country for events, I savored the moments as best I could. But when the lights were off and the crowds were gone, I wasn’t surprised to feel… normal. Like the same old me. I was greeted by that familiar sense of, “That was great, but not ultimately fulfilling.” I’m at peace with that now because I know that my career, like so many other things, will never provide that feeling. I’ve found it elsewhere.

I failed at this inner equilibrium for decades, and I’m sure I’ll fail at it again in the future. But for now, I’m good. There are two keys that helped me find my current sense of fulfillment:

1. HUMILITY

I need to continually be honest with myself about my failures, shortcomings, and growth edges, and embrace my shadow side; to love my humanness, in both its glory and frailty. This keeps me from narcissistic ego inflation when the wins are racking up and crushing despair at my inevitable failures. 

2. IDENTITY

I need to ground my sense of self in something stable, dependable, and external. For me, that’s God, and my identity as God’s child. That feels like an unshakable foundation that isn’t changed by money loss, illness, death, dissolving relationships, career shifts, what others think of me, or my own successes and failures.

Author and Harvard professor Henri Nouwen beautifully captured this common struggle for fulfillment:

Aren’t you, like me, hoping that some person, thing, or event will come along to give you that final feeling of inner well-being you desire? Don’t you often hope: ‘May this book, idea, course, trip, job, country, or relationship fulfill my deepest desire’? But as long as you are waiting for that mysterious moment, you will go on running helter-skelter, always anxious and restless, always lustful and angry, never fully satisfied. You know that this is the compulsiveness that keeps us going and busy, but at the same time makes us wonder whether we are getting anywhere in the long run. This is the way to spiritual exhaustion and burnout.

henri nouwen

How’s your sense of fulfillment these days? Could it use a boost? Accept that it will not be found ‘out there.’ Admit your growth edges. Embrace your shadow side. Anchor your identity in something worthy of it, whatever that means for you. If you do, the fulfillment you seek will not be far behind, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

Text excerpts taken from “You are the Beloved” by Henri J.M. Nouwen © 2017 by The Henri Nouwen Legacy Trust. Published by Convergent Books.