It stirred a longing, a wistful feeling, a thinly veiled desire. It rang true. But what does it mean?
One of the strengths of this quote is that it’s open to interpretation. Different people can find different meanings. For me, I realized it outlines a peaceful life, free from the fear of what may come, of what I’ll experience, and of what I might lose. I long for a life like that, to know that kind of relief and freedom on a daily basis.
So how can I become a peaceful, mature, content person who lets things come, be and go? How can I live with open hands?
I need to embrace new ideas, new people, and new experiences. I must let them come, even when they challenge my comfort zone and my established thinking. And once they are there, I must let them be, appreciating and enjoying them for who and what they are without feeling the need to change them. I need to be open to what they have to teach. At the same time, I must be willing to let them go when they have run their course, served their purpose, finished their season (you can read my post on when to let go of a relationship here).
Most of us naturally struggle with some of these traits while gravitating toward others. As a routine-loving person with a slightly timid nature, I struggle to let them come. Diving into new experiences is scary for me. I’d also put let them go in the growth edge column. I tend to take too long to realize a once-cherished routine, activity or relationship has run its course. On the plus side, I’m usually comfortable with let them be.
Which of these three ways of living comes easiest to you? Which is your biggest struggle? What are you resisting allowing to come into your life? What’s already in your life that you feel the unnecessary need to “fix”? What are you struggling to let go of? Breath deep. Be honest. Open your metaphorical hands to people, ideas and experiences. Let them come. Let them be. Let them go. If you do, you’ll find greater peace and contentment, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.
A global pandemic. Financial insecurity. Social isolation. A tattered economy. Racial injustice. Broken social systems. Loved ones suffering. And it’s only July. We still have six more months before 2020 releases us from its tumultuous grip, and – spoiler alert – 2021 is making no promises. It’s no wonder so many of us feel pummeled by the onslaught of stress and bad news, overwhelmed to the point of drowning.
I want to offer you a lifeline. A practice I discovered about a year ago has been an incredible gift, helping me to survive, and even thrive, in these trying times. It’s called benevolent detachment. This is about letting go. It involves caring and engaging with the suffering of the world to a certain point, then releasing that burden.
Benevolent detachment is NOT:
1. Ignoring other people’s pain
2. Closing yourself off emotionally
3. Being selfish or narcissistic
Benevolent detachment IS:
1. Recognizing that you have mental and emotional limits
2. Doing your part to alleviate suffering within those limits
3. Letting go of your worry about people and situations, trusting others and a higher power to do what you cannot
This practice allows me to care about and help others in a manageable, sustainable way. It helps me sleep at night. It helps me get other things done. It helps me still feel joy, even in difficult seasons.
I learned about benevolent detachment from author John Eldredge. He writes this:
Mature adults have learned how to create healthy distance between themselves and the thing they have become entangled with. Thus the word ‘detachment.’ It means getting untangled, stepping out of the quagmire; it means peeling apart the Velcro by which this person, relationship, crisis, or global issue has attached itself to you. Or you to it. Detachment means getting some healthy distance. Social media overloads our empathy. So I use the word ‘benevolent’ in referring to this necessary kind of detachment because we’re not talking about cynicism or resignation. Benevolent means kindness. It means something done in love. Jesus invites us into a way of living where we are genuinely comfortable turning things over to him.
John eldredge, Get Your Life Back – Everyday Practices for a World Gone Mad
You may be suspect of this approach, feeling it’s an abdication of our responsibility to help others. I assure you it is not. Each of us should do our part to alleviate pain in this world. But bearing one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2 in the Bible) does not mean being buried by them.Being demoralized is not a virtue. Neither is being traumatized, so affected by the world’s suffering that it hinders us from really living. From fulfilling our other responsibilities. From experiencing joy. Even Jesus did not heal everyone and often turned away from the needy, clamoring crowds to rest (Mark 1:29-39 in the Bible).
So how do you practice benevolent detachment? To avoid the danger of using this tool to ignore our shared responsibility to help others, first find and commit to doing your part to ease suffering. I wrote about how to do that here and here. Once that’s in place, here are a few simple steps to benevolent detachment:
Close your eyes and take several deep breaths
Ask yourself what specific person or situation is causing your worry or stress. Is it a sick friend? Your finances? Racial injustice? Your child? Contracting coronavirus? Your job?
Visualize yourself holding the object of your anxiety in your hands, feel the weight of it
Gently, lovingly, open your hands and let it go. Try picturing yourself setting it down, or dropping it, or placing it in the lap of your higher power.
Benevolent detachment is really simple in concept, but it’s a skill to be learned through repetition. The stress of the world latches on to us like Velcro and doesn’t release easily. If you’re intrigued by the possibilities, if you see in this a glimmer of hope for long-sought relief, I highly encourage you to check out some of these resources from John Eldredge. He approaches this practice from a Christian perspective, but people from all faiths or no faith can benefit from applying it in their own context:
FREE PHONE APP: One Minute Pause (Ransomed Heart) – Accompanied by calming music and beautiful images, John guides you through benevolent detachment, allowing you to choose 1, 3, 5, or 10 minute exercises. There’s also an excerpt on benevolent detachment from his book Get Your Life Back. I’ve found this app very helpful when I’m struggling to apply this practice (available in the wherever you get apps).
PODCAST: Benevolent Detachment (John Eldredge and Wild at Heart) – John and his wife Stasi discuss this practice in detail with practical examples of how to apply it to your life (available wherever you listen to podcasts).
BOOK:Get Your Life Back – John lays out a number of clear, manageable spiritual practices to deal with the stress of life, including benevolent detachment (available wherever you buy books).
So how about you? Could you use some relief? Are you struggling beneath emotional weight you were never meant to carry? Would you like some help setting that boulder down? Then explore benevolent detachment. It will help you care for yourself as you care for the world. And you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.
WATCH ME INTERVIEW MY AUTHOR WIFE BELOW! TO BROWSE MY OTHER YOUTUBE VIDEOS, CLICK HERE.
Something about the ad caught my attention. Normally I fast-forward or mute TV commercials but not this one. It was for an app called LetGo. Its purpose isn’t unique – to help me sell my stuff – but its focus set it apart.
The benefit of using LetGo highlighted by the ad was not making money or having more space in my house. It was about how good it feels to let go of something I’ve been holding onto for too long. That hit home.
I’m a sentimental pack rat. I attach a lot of emotional value to objects. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. It’s good to have some items that bring me back to a treasured memory of another person or a meaningful experience. Where I run into trouble is when I assign that perceived emotional benefit too liberally. I spread it too wide, diluting the positive effects, and risk becoming a hoarder-in-waiting.
Motivated by that clever marketing campaign, I started cleaning. First a downstairs closet. Then a game cupboard. Then our master closet. Finally the garage. Item after item, box after box, I sorted, using a tip I read in an article about home organizational guru Marie Kondo’s NYT Bestselling book The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up – if it brings you joy, keep it. If it doesn’t, let it go.
After a garage sale, an overloaded trip to Goodwill and lots of trash bags, I really do feel better! I find myself opening the closets and wandering into the garage for no other reason than to look at the organized, uncluttered spaces. It gives me a happy, satisfied sensation. I feel lighter, less tied down, and more in control. Like I own my stuff rather than my stuff owning me.
But the real breakthrough came when I realized that this lesson on the benefits of letting go doesn’t just apply to my stuff. It applies to my whole life. And that story, I’ll tell in my next post.
For now, take a look around your living space. Open closets. Look under the bed. Peruse your shelves. For each item that you don’t regularly use, ask yourself a simple question – does this bring me joy? If not, let it go. If you do, you’ll take another happy step toward Becoming Yourself.
Something about the ad caught my attention. Normally I fast-forward or mute TV commercials but not this one. It was for an app called LetGo. Its purpose isn’t unique – to help me sell my stuff – but its focus set it apart.
Motivated by that clever marketing campaign, I started cleaning. First a downstairs closet. Then a game cupboard. Then our master closet. Finally the garage. Item after item, box after box, I sorted, using a tip I read in an