I heard the panic in my son’s voice. Water from a burst pipe was rapidly flooding his bathroom and he didn’t know what to do. Trying to stay calm on the phone, I guided him to the shutoff valve behind the toilet. It was jammed. While my wife did an online speed search for a plumber, I directed him to stuff towels in the doorway then head outside in search of the main water shutoff to the house. After a few excruciating minutes, he managed to stop the gushing.
Once we all took a moment to recover, my son said he was really glad I answered his call and knew what to do. I told him that in twenty-five years of home ownership, I’ve had my share of plumbing crises and had learned from painful experience.
Unexpected calamity is a part of life. Things are going along smoothly, then WHAM! Life smacks us in the head. I recently got an email from a friend who learned her husband’s brain cancer had returned. Another friend with young kids has been diagnosed with COVID-19. Yet another is dealing with a wayward teenage child. I’m sure you could fill in your own story. In those moments, it’s really good to have someone to call for help, advice, and support.
That reminds me of three people from Christian history. Paul, author of much of the Bible’s New Testament and a principle founder of the Church, was considered a wise elder. Barnabas, whose name means “son of encouragement,” was known as a supportive friend. Timothy was trained by Paul and characterized as a promising young leader.
From those historical figures was derived the idea that we all need a Paul, a Barnabas, and a Timothy in our lives. Someone to mentor us, someone to support us, and someone we’re building into. My dad and my friend Susan are “Pauls” in my life. My wife Lisa and friend Ty are key members of my “Barnabas” group. And along with attempting to mentor my kids and a few others, the main reason I write this blog is to pass on some of my hard-won life lessons to any “Timothys” out there.
So how about you? Do you have aPaul in your life to call when unexpected crises hit? Do you have a Barnabas who can encourage you and walk with you during those seasons of struggle? And are you available for a Timothy when their life goes sideways? If you have these three people in place, be grateful. If not, be on the lookout. You’ll be glad you did, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.
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Have you ever met someone who’s life you wanted to imitate? For me, his name is Clare. I got to know him because our sons have been best friends since kindergarten. He’s about ten years older than me, and the more we spent time together, the more I was intrigued by him. By his perspective. By his attitude. By his approach to life. By the way he talked about deep things in a casual, approachable way. There was just something about about the freedom, spontaneity, and balance he seemed to have that struck a chord with me.
I started being more intentional during our interactions. I asked open ended questions about life, then listened closely to what he had to say, trying to absorb as much as I could. We talked about raising kids, marriage, careers, faith, money management, death, retirement, serving others, traveling, you name it. He often challenged my thinking without ever pressuring me to change. Clare just offered his perspective and was content to let me do with it what I would.
Some of his beliefs and habits I adopted right away, but there were others I wasn’t ready for. They were too far outside of my mental box. I wasn’t equipped yet to understand or embrace them. As the years have passed and I’ve been exposed to more experiences, ideas, and relationships, I’ve come to embrace more and more of his way of thinking in many areas.
My friendship with Clare gave me a model of what my life could be like. Of what I could be like. He’s been a resource, a sounding board, and a source of wisdom for me over the years. Almost without my realizing it, Clare became a mentor to me.
A younger friend recently reached out to me asking if I’d be a mentor to him. I was honestly very surprised and humbled. After taking some time to think and pray about it, I decided it was something I wanted to do. I shared with him that I certainly don’t have all the answers, but, like Clare did with me, I was willing to give what I have. I told him that my thoughts, feelings, and beliefs on various topics have changed since I was his age twenty years ago. I explained that we might disagree on things and that’s okay. I let him know I was grateful for the opportunity to pass on what I’ve learned and was looking forward to what he will teach me in return.
So how about you? Could you use a “general life” mentor? Is there someone whose life, attitude, and perspective seems different, intriguing, and appealing? If you’re already spending time with that person, be intentional about the questions you ask. Draw them out. Soak up what they have to offer. If they’re not in your regular relational circle, reach out. Make the ask. Be clear about what you’re looking for. If they agree, makes sure you understand and respect their boundaries. Set clear parameters and expectations for the mentorship. For example, my friend and I agreed that, since we live in different states, we would FaceTime over our lunch hour once a week. We gave each other permission to share what we discussed with our spouses unless one of us specifically asked to keep something between us. That kind of clarity saves confusion and hurt feelings.
On the other side of the coin, are you living a life that would prepare you for being a mentor? Are you becoming a person that people notice because, in a good way, you stand out from the crowd? Does your life have something to say? I’m not talking about being arrogant or advertising yourself as a mentor, though professional life coaches definitely have their place. I’m saying that if you’ve worked steadily at personal development over a long period of time, it’s natural that you’d have something to offer other people who are attempting to walk the same path. If you are living in an open and real way in day-to-day relationships with people who are in different seasons of life, you may be asked to be a mentor. You can’t control that of course, but you can control the person you’re becoming. In addition, you could volunteer at one of a wide variety of organizations looking for people to serve as mentors of different types (check volunteermatch.org for opportunities near you).
My mentor Clare
I believe one reason to work hard at personal development is to attain a better quality of life for yourself. I think a second is to help provide a better quality of life for others. That’s why I said yes to mentoring my friend. That’s why I write this blog. As Clare was generous in sharing his life with me, I want to do the same for others however I can.
So ask yourself these questions:
Is there someone who could be a mentor in your life?
Are you working steadily at becoming a person others would look to for mentoring? Are there ways you could mentor someone now?
Be honest with your answers. If you do, you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.
