Becoming Yourself

Developing a Better You

Tag: New Years resolutions

Goal Setting for the New Year? Do a Few Things Well

December 30, 2023 / / 2 Comments

I hate New Year’s resolutions.

Given that I write a personal development blog, that may sound odd. In my experience, goals forced by a date on the calendar have not worked well. I set too many, in too many areas, and usually flame out by February.

If New Year’s resolutions work for you, fantastic. You have my respect. For me, they feel overwhelming, and my failure to meet them kills my motivation to pursue personal development. This is especially true when it comes to goals based on helping others. 

I think that’s why I responded so strongly to this quote from author and Harvard professor Henri Nouwen:

The more I think about the human suffering in our world and my desire to offer a healing response, the more I realize how crucial it is not to allow myself to become paralyzed by feelings of impotence and guilt. More important than ever is to be very faithful to my vocation to do well the few things I am called to do and hold on to the joy and peace they bring me.

henri nouwen

Here are three things I take from this:

1. Guilt is not a helpful motivator.

It may get me to do something “good” in the short term, but it won’t set me up for long-term positive impact. I’ve started and abandoned many serving efforts based on guilt.

2. Doing a few things well is better than doing many things poorly.

The list of worthy causes and suffering people is endless. It’s easy to get sucked into spreading small bits of my limited time, energy, talents, and money in many places, making little real difference. Being honest about my passions, gifts, and interests, then finding one or two areas of need to focus them on will have far greater impact. Writing this blog and giving to Heifer International are two of my focus areas in this season.

3. Enjoy the personal benefits of helping others.

While it’s hopeful not my primary reason for serving, feeling joyful and peaceful is a great perk. Those highs keep me motivated when serving gets tough. 

What are you passionate about? What are you good at? What do you enjoy doing? What are some areas of need that intersect with those things? Pick one or two projects and focus your efforts there. You’ll make a greater impact while having more fun, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

As shared in the Dec 21, 2023 Daily Meditation by the Henri Nouwen Society. Text excerpts taken from “You are the Beloved” by Henri J.M. Nouwen © 2017 by The Henri Nouwen Legacy Trust. Published by Convergent Books

Why I Hate New Year’s Resolutions (and What I Do Instead)

December 31, 2022 / / 0 Comments

I hate New Year’s resolutions. 

As someone who has been dedicated to personal development for decades, that may sound surprising. If they are helpful for you, wonderful. Embrace them. For me, an external date on the calendar has never provided enough motivation for me to stick to my goals. The annual cycle of failure only succeeded in making me feel bad about myself.

In order to change something meaningful about my life, the motivation has to come from within. I have to want it badly enough to go through the inevitable pain of change. The problem for me is summed up in this quote:

The reinvention of daily life means marching off the edge of our maps.

Bob black

My love of routine and timid nature make reinventing myself a struggle. I like my map. I’m comfortable with my map. It’s neat and predictable and familiar. I have a sense of control, however illusionary that actually is.

Venturing beyond the edges of my map means traveling to frightening places, filled with strange and wild things. It’s messy, unpredictable, unfamiliar, and potentially dangerous. As Bilbo Baggins once said of such adventures, “Nasty, disturbing, uncomfortable things. Make you late for dinner!”

So my desire for comfortable routine is at odds with my desire for personal development. Becoming the best mental, emotional, and spiritual version of myself requires that I take up my walking stick and step boldly over my familiar borders.

To find my courage, I must remember that the best things in my life came to me when I dared to enter the unknown—my marriage. My kids. My career as a musician and now as a writer. My relationship with God. My travels and life-giving friendships. I enjoy these most precious things at their current health and depth only because of the times I chose to march off the edge of my map.

There have been many failures along the way. Countless times, I’ve been too fearful or too comfortable to risk the journey. Sometimes I’ve taken the risk only to wander into swamps, lose my way in a misty forest, or wind up adrift on a stormy sea. Marching off the edge of our maps is not for the faint of heart. But that is where True Life lies. Energy. Adventure. Meaning. Wonder. A sense of being alive that’s found nowhere else.

What are your growth goals for the new year? Are they mental, physical, emotional, spiritual, relational, or something else? Whatever they may be, if you truly want to reinvent your life, you must be willing to march of the edge of your map. Read new things. Talk with different people. Visit untried places. Start unfamiliar ventures. If you do, an incredible adventure awaits, and you’ll take a giant leap toward Becoming Yourself.

The Real Point of Celebrating New Year’s

January 1, 2022 / / 0 Comments

What’s the point of celebrating New Year’s anyway?

It’s a milestone, a way of marking time. A chance to look back over a segment of our lives with fondness or regret. An opportunity for reflection, to see how (or if) we’ve grown personally. A convenient bookend to Christmas which extends the holiday season. An excuse to celebrate and have a good time.

Those are all valid reasons. But I think there’s a deeper one, an underlying theme that ties them all together. One that all of us long for but most of us rarely talk about with any depth.

It’s hope. I believe we celebrate New Year’s because we’re longing for hope. Hope that the coming year will be better than the last. This typically manifests itself in three ways:

1. We hope THE WORLD will be better.

That Covid will fade. Political division will ease. Racial tensions will improve. Economic disparity will lesson.

2. We hope OUR LIVES will be better.

Less stressful. Less difficult. More enjoyable. More fulfilling. Healed relationships. An improved work situation.

3. We hope that WE will be better.

More confident. More loving. More patient. More passionate. More compassionate. More alive.

So here’s the real question:

How realistic are those hopes?

I’m an optimist by nature and choice, but if I’m honest about my hopes for THE WORLD, things are looking grim. Unless our vaccination rates increase, Covid is sticking around for awhile. While the U.S. political landscape feels calmer than in recent years, it appears as fractured as ever. A broader acceptance of the ongoing impact of racism is helpful, but we have a long road ahead toward deep cultural change. Until those at the top choose to invest in and share with those at the bottom, the wealth gap will continue to grow, to the detriment of us all.

There are things I can do to bring about my hopes for THE WORLD. I can get vaccinated, commit to civil discourse and open-mindedness on political issues, acknowledge my own racial privilege, support policies for a more just economy and give money to quality charities that work to end global poverty. But even with all that, my impact will be relatively small.

My odds of actualizing my hopes for MY LIFE are better. I can scale back on my commitments, adopt a greater work/life balance, spend more time on life-giving hobbies, pursue a more enjoyable career and invest in meaningful relationships. But many things remain outside of my control—layoffs, illnesses, accidents and the choices of others can all seriously impact my quality of life.

That leaves me with my hopes for becoming a better version of MYSELF. Physically. Spiritually. Mentally. Emotionally. These are largely within my control. Improvements in this arena are ones that no one can take away from me. But no one can make them for me either. I can choose to act more loving and my feelings will follow. I can choose moderate exercise and mindful eating and I’ll feel better physically. I can grow spiritually by committing to a regular time of positive reading, meditation and communicating with my higher power. I can become more passionate by discovering and investing time in life-giving activities. I can become more compassionate by volunteering and giving money away.

So as you celebrate the New Year, think about your hopes. Do your small but important part to bring about your hopes for THE WORLD. Make minor and major changes to actualize your hopes for YOUR LIFE. But invest the lion’s share of your energy and attention to breathe life into your hopes for YOURSELF. Into becoming a better you. Because when YOU are better, your LIFE will improve, and you’ll set an example for others that can quite literally change the WORLD. If you do, you’ll take another giant step toward Becoming Yourself.

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