Growing up, I was convinced I had to be perfect. Impeccable grades. Never get in trouble. Don’t cause drama. Help everyone. The reasons I felt this way were a complicated mix of my personality, a misunderstanding of religious teaching, and our unique family dynamics.
Over the years, I’ve slowly unlearned that lie. Established healthier expectations. Given myself grace. Let myself be human. I still wrestle with perfectionism from time to time—I helped this person, but why didn’t I help that one too? I sold this many books, but why didn’t I sell more? I achieved this career goal, but why didn’t I achieve that one? I said something hurtful again—when will I learn?
Maybe that’s why the “You Are Amazing” message painted on the side of a building in our neighborhood jumped out at me. It has served as a healthy reminder, one that realigns my perspective and self-perception. I’m amazing? Really? Yes. I actually am.
Wherever you’re at right now, however you feel, whatever season you’re going through, remember this—you are amazing. You are incredibly valuable. You have great worth. Are you perfect? No. You’re human. But you are amazing, and with a little bit of intentionality and effort, you’ll become more amazing every day as you take another step toward Becoming Yourself.
What is the difference between a talent and a gift?
I’d never clearly thought about the distinction, but the following excerpt from author and speaker Henri Nouwen resonates with me. It’s also incredibly encouraging. So often, I feel like my talents fail me or aren’t enough to meet a need or accomplish a goal. Knowing in those moments that I still have gifts to bring is gratifying.
This concept also opens my eyes to the value and contributions of others that I often overlook. I hope this simple yet profound idea helps you take another step toward Becoming Yourself.
More important than our talents are our gifts. We may have only a few talents, but we have many gifts. Our gifts are the many ways in which we express our humanity. They are part of who we are: friendship, kindness, patience, joy, peace, forgiveness, gentleness, love, hope, trust, and many others. These are the true gifts we have to offer to each other.
Somehow I have known this for a long time, especially through my personal experience of the enormous healing power of these gifts. But since my coming to live in a community with mentally handicapped people, I have rediscovered this simple truth. Few, if any, of those people have talents they can boast of. Few are able to make contributions to our society that allow them to earn money, compete on the open market, or win awards. But how splendid are their gifts!
In last week’s post, I shared the writings of Richard Rohr on how recognizing our false selves can bring peace. This week, I wanted to share a follow up post in which he explains the benefits of taking the next step—releasing our false selves. This concept has been so helpful to me that I wanted to share it with you. I hope it aids you on your journey to Becoming Yourself.
Father Richard further clarifies what he means by the false self:
Our false self is not our bad self, our inherently deceitful self, the self that God does not like, or we should not like. Actually, our false self is good and necessary as far as it goes. It just doesn’t go far enough, and it often poses and thus substitutes for the real thing. That is its only problem, and that is why it’s called “false.”
Various false selves (temporary costumes) are necessary to get us all started, and they show their limitations when they stay around too long. If a person keeps growing, their various false selves usually die in exposure to greater light.
Our false self, which we might also call our “small self” or “separate self,” is our launching pad: our body image, our job, our education, our clothes, our money, our car, our success, and so on. These are the functional trappings of ego that we all use to get through an ordinary day. They are largely projections of our self-image and our attachment to it. [1]
Contemplation teaches us how to detach from this self-image. For example, I’m happy to dress as a priest at the appropriate time and place, but I don’t do it all the time, because then I get too attached to that image. Any self-image, positive or negative, held too tightly, reinforces our attachment to the false self. We don’t need to think of ourselves as better or worse than each other. I am who I am as the image of God and that levels the playing field. [2]
When we are able to move beyond our separate or false self—as we are invited to do over the course of our lives—it will eventually feel as if we have lost nothing.In fact, it will feel like freedom and liberation. When we are connected to the Whole, we no longer need to protect or defend the mere part. We no longer need to compare and compete. We are now connected to something inexhaustible.
To not let go of our false self at the right time and in the right way is precisely what it means to be stuck, trapped, and addicted to our self. (The traditional word for that was sin, the result of feeling separate from the Whole.) Discovering our True Self is not just a matter of chronological age. Some spiritually precocious children see through the false self rather early. Some old men and old women are still dressing it up. If all we have at the end of our life is our separate or false self, there will not be much to eternalize. It is transitory and impermanent. These costumes are largely created by the mental ego. They were useful to us in our development. Our false self is what changes, passes, and dies when we die. Only our True Self lives forever. [3]
