It stirred a longing, a wistful feeling, a thinly veiled desire. It rang true. But what does it mean?
One of the strengths of this quote is that it’s open to interpretation. Different people can find different meanings. For me, I realized it outlines a peaceful life, free from the fear of what may come, of what I’ll experience, and of what I might lose. I long for a life like that, to know that kind of relief and freedom on a daily basis.
So how can I become a peaceful, mature, content person who lets things come, be and go? How can I live with open hands?
I need to embrace new ideas, new people, and new experiences. I must let them come, even when they challenge my comfort zone and my established thinking. And once they are there, I must let them be, appreciating and enjoying them for who and what they are without feeling the need to change them. I need to be open to what they have to teach. At the same time, I must be willing to let them go when they have run their course, served their purpose, finished their season (you can read my post on when to let go of a relationship here).
Most of us naturally struggle with some of these traits while gravitating toward others. As a routine-loving person with a slightly timid nature, I struggle to let them come. Diving into new experiences is scary for me. I’d also put let them go in the growth edge column. I tend to take too long to realize a once-cherished routine, activity or relationship has run its course. On the plus side, I’m usually comfortable with let them be.
Which of these three ways of living comes easiest to you? Which is your biggest struggle? What are you resisting allowing to come into your life? What’s already in your life that you feel the unnecessary need to “fix”? What are you struggling to let go of? Breath deep. Be honest. Open your metaphorical hands to people, ideas and experiences. Let them come. Let them be. Let them go. If you do, you’ll find greater peace and contentment, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.
I was reading yet another rights report in a prominent book publishing industry newsletter. Every week, the latest book deals were listed, along with a photo of the author’s smiling face and details of their deal. I felt sick as I thought about my prospects. So many people want to be published. There are so many books. I’ll never break through. I’ll never see my face listed there.
The low point passed, and I refocused. I kept working at my writing craft and learning about the industry.
Months later, I caught a break. I got the chance to pitch my first book to a literary agent. He agreed to read it, then eventually signed me as a client. He sent it to an editor at one of the “big five” publishing houses in New York. She liked my book and asked if I would do some preliminary edits. I did, and she took it to her team. I was floored. I was thrilled. This was actually going to happen!
And then it didn’t. The team wasn’t enthused, so she passed on my book. My agent sent it to a host of other editors, then still more. Over the course of a year, they all said no. Then he sent my second book to another swath of editors, only to receive another long list of rejections. All the while, I kept writing, kept learning, kept growing. I wrote a third book that was never submitted, then a fourth book which my agent sent as an exclusive submission to another “big five” editor.
And then I got the call. The one I’d dreamed about since I was a kid. The editor made an offer. I had a book deal. I was going to be a published author. After another twelve months of negotiations, contracts, edit letters, and revisions, I recently opened the industry newsletter I’ve been reading for years and saw this:
It was a surreal moment. A dream-come-true moment.
Writing is a dream of my heart. I love it. The creative expression. Giving voice to the stories, feelings, and thoughts inside me. Sharing them with others. Giving them away in formats like this blog. That’s why, despite the overwhelming odds, I kept going through years of struggle. I had decided that even if my dream of a becoming a traditionally published author never came true, the journey would still be worth it.
What dream are you pursuing? What obstacles, struggles, and frustrations have you encountered along the way? Does working toward that dream make you come alive or continually drag you down? Are you seeing progress and improvement or stagnation and mediocrity? Is this a dream to set aside or one to doggedly pursue? Is it a dream of your head or your heart?
A dream of your head is something you could do, while a dream of your heart is something you must do. How can you tell the difference? Ask yourself this question—if at the end of your life your dream never came true, would you still be glad you’d tried? Would the joy of the journey and what it taught you be enough? If yes, that’s a dream of your heart.
If you feel you’d regret the blood, sweat and tears, that only achieving your goal would make the effort worth it, or if the journey is primarily a grind, you may be pursuing a dream of your head. It might be a worthwhile goal, something you’d like, but it’s not a dream of your heart. It’s not something you’d do for free for the rest of your life. It’s not what you were made for. It’s not what you were put on this earth to do.
Quiet your mind. Ask yourself the hard question—am I pursuing a dream of my head or my heart? Be brutally honest. If you believe you’re on the right path, keep going. Don’t let anything stop you. If you realize you’re chasing a dream of your head, pause. Is that dream worth your time, energy and effort? Is it worthy of your one and only life? Find the dream of your heart. Pursue it with everything you have. If you do, you’ll have a richer, more satisfying life, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.
When presented with an idea, a suggestion or an opportunity, my mind can almost instantly think of a myriad of problems or obstacles that could arise from pursuing it. Over my life and careers, that ability has saved both me and my employers a lot of unnecessary headaches.
It has also robbed me of a lot of growth and joy.
Having a default position of “No, here’s why that won’t work…” is not a healthy way to live. And it hardly makes me the life of the party. So when I read my good friend Susan Stocker’s recent blog “Begin With Yes,” I knew I’d been gifted with tools to develop this particular growth edge. I’m sharing it here in hopes that it will help you take another step toward Becoming Yourself.
SUSAN:
One of the most helpful parenting techniques I ever learned was: “Begin with yes.”
No matter what that child asks, answer with yes, and then qualify the yes. “Daddy, can I go jump off a ledge?” Hell, no, is the response that leaps to mind. However, “Yes. When you’re older, you and I will go look for a nice, low ledge and I’ll help you practice jumping off it. That’ll be a fun little adventure for us.”
“Mommy, can I have some ice cream?” Don’t say, “It’s 9 o’clock in the morning!” Instead, “Yes, tonight after you’ve eaten your supper you can have some of the chocolate ice cream you picked out at the store!”
And there is only one answer to the most frequently asked question in childhood: “Mommy, can I help?”
Each of us knows people who begin with yes, and each of us is undoubtedly related to people who begin with NO. Boy, are they annoying. No matter what you say, a fact, an opinion, a compliment, even — they’ll respond, “No.” Then they’ll explain why you’re wrong. I gave someone a compliment recently, and she told me I had misinterpreted what she had meant when she did what I thought was clearly a kind deed.
Starting with yes, or something positive, is always possible and keeps dialogue flowing. I don’t know about you, but when someone tells me I’m wrong, I shut up and shut down. If things are going to be absolutes — like NO — the person stating the absolute leaves no room for conversation or compromise. There’s no where to go and nothing about which to talk.
There are a million ways to say YES. And yes doesn’t necessarily mean YOU ARE RIGHT. To me, yes means, let’s talk about it. Yes, I can see that there are multiple ways to look at things. Yes might also mean, “Yes, I’m listening.” It might mean, “Yes, I’m engaged in what we’re discussing.”
I remember having quite a conversation with a man who worked at Liberty University. We were in an airport. He almost missed his plane. I just kept asking him to explain to me how the policies and beliefs of Jerry Falwell, who took a yearly salary of 1.25 million from the “non-profit” Liberty University, squared with what Jesus taught us.
No one’s mind has ever been changed by being told he or she is wrong. All that does is close a mind and a heart. And, as my grandkids will tell you, I say frequently, “Nothing is harder to open than a closed mind.” Nothing is sadder to see than a person with a closed heart. (Closed minds and hearts tend to show up together. They are evident in people’s faces — the scowls and sneers — in people’s posture, and, scientifically, verifiably evident in people’s predispositions to illness, disease and accidents.)
We can do our small part by starting with “yes” or some version of positive response. My heart always sinks when I hear that the peace talks have stalled or been discontinued. Yet many times a day we stall and discontinue possible avenues toward interpersonal peace and understanding by responding negatively, assuming nothing is to be gained by extending the olive branch of “yes.”
One quick and dirty little suggestion. Even if you can’t make it all the way from NO to YES try to at least get as far as the most useful word in the English language: “OH.” When all else fails, say OH while nodding yes. Oh, that’s interesting. Oh, I’ll have to think about that. Oh, I never thought of it that way before. Oh, well, I wish I had more time, but gotta go.
Peace, the icing on the cake of positivity! YES. Love, Susan
Susan Stocker is a blogger, novelist, and Marriage and Family Therapist with Masters degrees in Communication and Counseling. She served as a mental health ambassador to China in 1998 and has volunteered with the Alzheimer’s Association, American Cancer Society, and many other organizations. Her published works include Only Her Naked Courage (2013), Heart 1.5 (2013), The Many Faces of Anxiety (2013), The Many Faces of PTSD (2010), and Heart (1981), as well as her blog The Many Faces of PTSD (manyfacesofptsd.wordpress.com). She is on a lifelong journey toward Becoming Herself. You can contact her at sraustocker@yahoo.com.
