I was a scared kid.
I was afraid of the creepy storage room in our basement. The woods after dark. The freaky clown painting in the upstairs hall.
Then there were deeper fears. Rejection by my peers. Disappointing my parents. Failing God.
Some of those childhood fears have fallen away while others have stubbornly lingered. New ones have sprouted up to fill out my cityscape of dread. My wife getting sick. My kids struggling. Failing at my new author career.
These fears have too great a hold on my life, stealing my joy and peace. But they cling like cactus burrs. Eliminating them is easier said than done.
I don’t think I’m alone. That’s why I’m excited to share a wonderful resource on loosening fear’s grip on your life. It’s two episodes on the science of fear featured on the fascinating and wildly entertaining podcast Ologies.
Of the many mind blowing insights packed into these gems, the one that struck me the most is the idea that all fears are broken into two main categories:
1. I am not enough
2. I am not in control
That may seem too simple, but as I thought about all my fears, I found it rang true. The belief that “I am not enough” is the root of most relational fears, be it with friends, family, romantic partners, even strangers (fear of rejection, anyone?). The belief that “I am not in control” is the root of a whole host of fears, from flying, to elevators, to muggings, to cancer.
Why is this important? Because understanding your fears allows you apply a fear management technique called R.I.A.:
RECOGNIZE
The first step is to acknowledge that you’re afraid. Are you tense? Moody? Nervous? Stressed? Dreading something? Is your heart pounding? Are your palms sweaty? Learn to recognize the fear signals your mind and body send you. Fear often wears a mask, trying to convince you it’s exhaustion, stress or depression. Call it what it is—fear.
IDENTIFY
The next step is to assess your fear. Are you feeling you’re not enough or not in control? Is your fear factual or fictional? A factual fear has current, real-life data to back it up. A fictional fear does not. If your car stalls on railroad tracks with a train bearing down on you, your fear is factual. If you are afraid to walk into your dark bedroom after watching a scary movie, your fear is fictional. That doesn’t mean the feeling isn’t real, but identifying it as fictional can reduce its power. Remember, the vast majority of the things we fear never happen. Clarify your fear as specifically as you can. Give it a name.
ADDRESS
Now that you’ve recognized and identified your fear, it’s time to do something about it. What practical steps can you take to minimize its impact on you? Techniques such as slow deep breathing, extensive preparation, intentional laughter and facing the worst possible outcome in your mind are all relatively simple and effective. The military uses a type of exposure therapy to habituate soldiers to the fears they may encounter in the field. By repeatedly facing a slowly increasing amount of whatever you fear, it looses its grip on you.
So what do you fear? As you go through your day, keep your antennae up for fears sneaking in and stealing your joy. Recognize them. Identify them. Address them. Listen to the fear episodes on Ologies for deeper insight. If you do, you’ll discover a wonderful sense of freedom as you take another step toward Becoming Yourself.
