When the COVID-19 pandemic hit in March of 2020, my wife and I helped our son and his fiancee make the gut wrenching decision to postpone their long-planned wedding just three weeks before the event. They rescheduled it for fall of 2020. Then again for spring of 2021. Then again for October of 2021.
A week ago, they finally held the long-awaited celebration. The atmosphere was joyous, buoyant, jubilant. Not just because it was a wedding. Not even because it was outdoors, Lord of the Rings themed, and at a castle (though all that certainly helped). It was because of the journey they travelled to get there.
As I performed the ceremony, I was overcome with emotion. Not entirely surprising, especially for me, a card-carrying sentimentalist. But in addition to the normal emotions most parents feel at their child’s wedding, I was overflowing with pride for how both my son and daughter-in-law had handled the blow life had dealt them. They faced the hard reality. Grieved well. Remembered those who were hit far worse by this disease. Let it go. Made a new plan. Looked forward in hope.
Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning.
Psalm 30:5 (the Bible, nlt version)
Life will inevitably present you with obstacles. You will have heartache. Sometimes your dreams will be postponed, broken, or even shattered. Follow the roadmap my son and daughter-in-law chose. Take the hit. Let yourself grieve. Then get back up. Choose gratitude. Persevere. Carve out a new dream. Dare to try. Dare to risk your heart again. Dare to hope. If you do, you’ll eventually see the sunrise cresting the mountain, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.
You probably heard it as a kid and rolled your eyes.
As you listlessly pushed your broccoli around your plate, one of your parents said, “You should be grateful. A starving child in (fill in the blank country) would be thrilled to eat that.” Your response of “Well, give it to them then,” probably didn’t help your case.
Obviously, what your well-meaning parent was attempting to teach you was perspective. But did the lesson stick?
I recently went through a busy season and found myself getting cranky. I was frustrated by a number of “important” tasks I needed to deal with. None of them were overwhelming alone, but collectively they were weighing me down.
Then my dad called to tell me he needed heart surgery. The procedure was supposedly low risk, but at age eighty with three previous heart surgeries, it was still spooky. I flew to Michigan to be with him and my mom.
During the trip, I learned that someone I knew had just died of COVID-19. He was forty-one. Left in the devastating wake of this tragedy are his wife and two young children.
In the long hours of waiting during the surgery, I reflected on what my dad’s potential death would mean for my mom, my sisters, my aunts, me. I couldn’t fathom it. It would deeply change all of our lives. I thought of the man who had just died and couldn’t even imagine the ongoing destruction that event will have on his family.
Then we heard the news. The surgery went wonderfully. My dad was fine. I hugged my mom, whispered a prayer of thanks and breathed a huge sigh of relief.
On my flight home, it occurred to me that I had completely forgotten about those “important” tasks that had been frustrating me before I left. When compared with my dad’s surgery and the other man’s death, they seemed rightly insignificant. I had regained a truer, healthier perspective.
So when you find yourself feeling frustrated and overwhelmed, pause. Take a deep breath. Think of the things others whom you know, and those you don’t, are dealing with. Send them a positive thought, a prayer, an encouraging note, some money, an offer to help. Be grateful for all the burdens you don’t have to carry. If you do, you’ll find a fresh perspective, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.
They’re cheesy. Totally predictable. Usually unrealistic. And sometimes surprisingly wise.
During a recent visit with my parents, we watched a Hallmark movie. For those unfamiliar, these are family friendly, made for TV, romantic movies shown on the Hallmark channel. Classic “boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets girl back” plot lines. Always a happy ending.
In Roadhouse Romance, our heroine, who recently returned to her quaint hometown, was caught in a love triangle with two suitors—the enigmatic big-city stranger and her former long-time sweetheart. In describing her recent date with her old boyfriend, she said, “I’m trying to decide if he’s ballast or baggage. One keeps you grounded, the other holds you back.”
All relationships change over time. Be they romantic, friendship, family, work-related or something else, relationships move like ships on the ocean. Sometimes they plow ahead full throttle, sometimes they drift aimlessly, sometimes they drag their anchors.
When a relationship hits the proverbial rocks, ask yourself this question: is the relationship ballast or baggage? Does it provide you with mental or emotional stability, grounding you deeper into the kind of person you want to be? Does it help you move in the direction of your dreams and goals? Or does the relationship weigh you down? Has it become an anchor that needs to be released in order for you to move on?
Two important things to remember as you wrestle with those questions:
1. People are not objects to be used for personal gain.
We’ve all seen or been victims of people who used a relationship purely for their own temporary advantage. Once they got what they wanted, be it career advancement, sex, a favor, information, etc., they discarded the other person. That is horribly manipulative and damaging and not what I’m talking about here. Nor am I advocating selfishly discarding one’s marriage or family to “find yourself” or because you believe they are “holding you back.” Being honest with yourself and others about your true motivations is key.
2. Many relationships have seasons.
While healthy connections with family members are examples of relationships that act as life-long ballast, others are only meant for a season. They act as ballast in one period of your life but become baggage in another. Many romantic relationships, high school and college friendships, and work-specific connections are of this type. You enter into them with hope and good intentions. For awhile, they are mutually life-giving as you help each other learn and grow.
Then change comes. You discover that you have different values or grow in different directions or you graduate or change jobs or move away. Some of these relationships may survive significant change and continue as wonderful ballast, but those will likely be the exceptions. There is a temptation to cling to a relationship whose season has ended out familiarity, codependency, a desire to avoid conflict, or the fear of being alone. Such a relationship then becomes baggage, hindering you from moving on. Far better to acknowledge that the relationship has run its course, be grateful for the gift it has been to you, and respectfully let it go.
So when you have a relationship that is giving you pause, ask the hard question: is it ballast or baggage? Answer honestly. Seek trusted advice. Then dig in and do the work or graciously bid it farewell. If you do, you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.
