A global pandemic. Financial insecurity. Social isolation. A tattered economy. Racial injustice. Broken social systems. Loved ones suffering. And it’s only July. We still have six more months before 2020 releases us from its tumultuous grip, and – spoiler alert – 2021 is making no promises. It’s no wonder so many of us feel pummeled by the onslaught of stress and bad news, overwhelmed to the point of drowning.
I want to offer you a lifeline. A practice I discovered about a year ago has been an incredible gift, helping me to survive, and even thrive, in these trying times. It’s called benevolent detachment. This is about letting go. It involves caring and engaging with the suffering of the world to a certain point, then releasing that burden.
Benevolent detachment is NOT:
1. Ignoring other people’s pain
2. Closing yourself off emotionally
3. Being selfish or narcissistic
Benevolent detachment IS:
1. Recognizing that you have mental and emotional limits
2. Doing your part to alleviate suffering within those limits
3. Letting go of your worry about people and situations, trusting others and a higher power to do what you cannot
This practice allows me to care about and help others in a manageable, sustainable way. It helps me sleep at night. It helps me get other things done. It helps me still feel joy, even in difficult seasons.
I learned about benevolent detachment from author John Eldredge. He writes this:
Mature adults have learned how to create healthy distance between themselves and the thing they have become entangled with. Thus the word ‘detachment.’ It means getting untangled, stepping out of the quagmire; it means peeling apart the Velcro by which this person, relationship, crisis, or global issue has attached itself to you. Or you to it. Detachment means getting some healthy distance. Social media overloads our empathy. So I use the word ‘benevolent’ in referring to this necessary kind of detachment because we’re not talking about cynicism or resignation. Benevolent means kindness. It means something done in love. Jesus invites us into a way of living where we are genuinely comfortable turning things over to him.
John eldredge, Get Your Life Back – Everyday Practices for a World Gone Mad
You may be suspect of this approach, feeling it’s an abdication of our responsibility to help others. I assure you it is not. Each of us should do our part to alleviate pain in this world. But bearing one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2 in the Bible) does not mean being buried by them. Being demoralized is not a virtue. Neither is being traumatized, so affected by the world’s suffering that it hinders us from really living. From fulfilling our other responsibilities. From experiencing joy. Even Jesus did not heal everyone and often turned away from the needy, clamoring crowds to rest (Mark 1:29-39 in the Bible).
So how do you practice benevolent detachment? To avoid the danger of using this tool to ignore our shared responsibility to help others, first find and commit to doing your part to ease suffering. I wrote about how to do that here and here. Once that’s in place, here are a few simple steps to benevolent detachment:
- Close your eyes and take several deep breaths
- Ask yourself what specific person or situation is causing your worry or stress. Is it a sick friend? Your finances? Racial injustice? Your child? Contracting coronavirus? Your job?
- Visualize yourself holding the object of your anxiety in your hands, feel the weight of it
- Gently, lovingly, open your hands and let it go. Try picturing yourself setting it down, or dropping it, or placing it in the lap of your higher power.
Benevolent detachment is really simple in concept, but it’s a skill to be learned through repetition. The stress of the world latches on to us like Velcro and doesn’t release easily. If you’re intrigued by the possibilities, if you see in this a glimmer of hope for long-sought relief, I highly encourage you to check out some of these resources from John Eldredge. He approaches this practice from a Christian perspective, but people from all faiths or no faith can benefit from applying it in their own context:
FREE PHONE APP: One Minute Pause (Ransomed Heart) – Accompanied by calming music and beautiful images, John guides you through benevolent detachment, allowing you to choose 1, 3, 5, or 10 minute exercises. There’s also an excerpt on benevolent detachment from his book Get Your Life Back. I’ve found this app very helpful when I’m struggling to apply this practice (available in the wherever you get apps).
PODCAST: Benevolent Detachment (John Eldredge and Wild at Heart) – John and his wife Stasi discuss this practice in detail with practical examples of how to apply it to your life (available wherever you listen to podcasts).
BOOK: Get Your Life Back – John lays out a number of clear, manageable spiritual practices to deal with the stress of life, including benevolent detachment (available wherever you buy books).
So how about you? Could you use some relief? Are you struggling beneath emotional weight you were never meant to carry? Would you like some help setting that boulder down? Then explore benevolent detachment. It will help you care for yourself as you care for the world. And you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.
I’ve tried those first two options before. Many times. I’ve pretended that I didn’t see people suffering because it made me feel sad and guilty. At other times I’ve hardened my heart to the pain caused by injustice because I felt powerless to do anything of significance to stop it. But over time, I’ve learned that if I’m going to become the kind of person I really want to be, I have to choose the Servant Response. To go even further, I think if there’s any hope for the world to become what I believe it should be, most people have to choose option #3. I’m guessing many of you would agree.
2. What one practical step can I take to make a difference in that area?
As you enter into the battle against injustice, it’s easy to feel defeated at times and wonder if what you’re doing really makes a difference. Martin Luther King Jr. knew that feeling but kept himself and others going with this insight: “The moral arc of the universe is long but it bends towards justice.” Keep fighting. In the end, justice wins.
A boy was walking on the beach and saw that the tide had stranded thousands of starfish on the sand. The sun was coming up and the starfish were going to dry out and die. He began to pick them up, one by one, and throw them back into the ocean. A man came along and said, “What difference can you make? There are thousands of them and you’re just one boy. Who cares?” The boy bent to pick up one more. As he tossed the starfish back in the water, he said, “This one cares.”