Becoming Yourself

Developing a Better You

Tag: personal growth (Page 17 of 65)

3 Things I Learned About “Real Life” on a Writing Retreat

June 24, 2023 / / 2 Comments

“Is this the real life?”

Queen started one of the greatest rock songs of all time, Bohemian Rhapsody, with this surprisingly deep question, one I’ve been pondering lately. 

My wife and I are on a two-week writing retreat. In a stark change from our small urban condo, we’re in a house in a pine forest with rolling hills. We take long walks in the beautiful neighborhood each morning before settling down to write.

Life feels much simpler here. A big day is having to drive to the local village for groceries. I’m still working a lot, but I feel more relaxed, more focused. I’m tempted to call this an escape, a wonderful pause before returning to “real life.”

But what is “real life”? Is it the harried pace, full calendar, loud, busy thing I often create for myself? While that may be the norm, is it the goal? Is that how I’m meant to live? Is that who I’m meant to be? Or is this time in the forest much closer to the “real life” I was designed for? 

Hear me clearly. I temper my optimistic bent with a strong dose of realism. Life has different seasons with different responsibilities. Raising kids and demanding jobs dominate the first half of life for many of us. Things like household projects, paying bills, doctor visits, car maintenance, helping family and friends never really go away.

Lisa and I are in our mid-fifties. Running our author business is still challenging and demanding, but we’re empty nesters with flexible schedules. We’ve made it through the busier first half of life. Your season and situation may be very different. 

That said, I think the forest has something to teach us all, regardless of what season we’re in. Here are some lessons I hear whispered by the pines:

1. Do less

Does your child really need to be in one more activity? Do you need to take on yet another obligation? Is accepting that more demanding promotion at work going to lead to more fulfillment? Is it worth the impact on your family? On your peace of mind? Say no more often. Guard your schedule. Build in margin. 

2. Move slower

I’ve spent more than three decades learning how to move faster, get more done, be more efficient, multitask. Now I’m learning the counterintuitive power of a slower pace, one that is not only more enjoyable, but more productive. Try a more measured, focused pace for a few days. You may be amazed at the results. (For some practical tips, click here).

3. Think deeper

It’s easy to stay on the surface of our minds—our daily tasks, dinner plans, watching TV, skimming social media. While those are good and important things, it’s like only talking with your friends about sports and the weather. They’re fine conversations, but relationships are much more fulfilling when you also share deeply, are honest about your struggles, talk vulnerably about your dreams. It’s the same with our thoughts. You’ll have a richer and more satisfying life if you also ponder who you are, who you want to become, what life is really about. Doing less and moving slower provide the time and space for those kinds of nourishing thoughts. 

So how’s your schedule? Your pace of life? The depth of your thoughts? Do less. Move slower. Think deeper. If you do, you’ll move closer to the real life you crave, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

Feeling Jumbled? Try Organizing Something

June 3, 2023 / / 2 Comments

It had bugged me for months.

My wife and I have limited space in our small condo. We’re both book lovers, so our bookshelf was overflowing, and our novel floor stacks were a disorganized mess. We only have one closet for all our clothes, luggage, personal items, and supplies to run our author business. Over time, things had become jumbled and hard to find.

I’d finally had enough. I emptied our supply cupboards, tossed unneeded items, added a shelf, and put things back in a more logical way. We went through our clothes and culled our book collection. I arranged the remaining books by category, then hauled five full garbage bags to Goodwill.

With our reorganized closet and book collection, not only are things easier to find and more visually pleasing, but I feel lighter, more relaxed. My mind seems clearer, and my thoughts more organized. I’m reminded how much my inner state is affected by my outer one. When my surroundings are cluttered and chaotic, my mind and heart often follow suit.

The correlation is even greater with my schedule. When my days and nights are packed with events, meetings, and obligations, my inner world is muddled, like silt stirred in a pond. My recent sixteen-day book tour was an endless stream of people, places, and presentations, leaving me emotionally and mentally exhausted. Now, after some days off and clearing my schedule, my equilibrium has returned.

Are you feeling jumbled these days? Are the waters of your mind and heart muddied? Try organizing something. A drawer. A closet. Your digital or physical desktop. A shelf. A room. Prioritize your schedule. Build in margin. Say no to things. If you do, the clear waters will soon return, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

How to Feel More Alive: Embrace Your Feelings and Push Through

May 13, 2023 / / 4 Comments

While I’m away on book tour promoting my debut novels for a few weeks (you can read about them here), I decided to share some popular previously published content. The following post was originally published February 6, 2021.

I didn’t want to go.

My wife and I don’t own a car. We work from home and live in a highly walkable area. Recently we rented a car for the weekend to run some long distance errands. Wanting to take full advantage of it, I planned to drive to a favorite hiking destination that Sunday. But after a full day of running around on Saturday, sitting in my chair Sunday afternoon sounded a lot better than navigating rocky trails. It was also gloomy with a forecast of rain.

But knowing how life-giving hiking is for me, and how rare it was to have a car, I decided to press on. I made the drive and hit the trail, proud of myself and looking forward to the emotional lift that exercising in nature always brings me.

It didn’t come. Midway through the hike, I realized that I felt completely flat. No buzz. It was the emotional equivalent of walking a grocery aisle. Minus the food. Alone on the empty trail, I stopped and said aloud to God, “What am I doing here? I normally love this. Why am I not feeling anything? Why am I wasting my time?” What came to my mind and heart in response was this:

It’s okay to feel what you’re feeling. Just keep going.

So I did. Something about simply embracing my feelings made me feel better. Though it wasn’t the emotional high I expected, the weight of disappointment and frustration were gone.

I paused to catch my breath after a long ascent and looked back. In the distance, I saw a solid sheet of rain steadily approaching. Instead of inspiring dread, it made me smile. For this hike, it seemed somehow fitting. I pressed on, seeing if I could out hike the rain.

The gusts increased, sending gray clouds sailing by overhead. I reached a rocky outcropping with a panoramic view of the foothills below me. I breathed in the scene, and as the rain began to fall, it felt like I was alone on a windswept moor in England. 

Fortunately, the real downpour drifted to the backside of the mountain, and I was spared a drenching. I made it back to my rental car with a deep sense of accomplishment. When I arrived home, I was surprised by the realization that I felt more alive than I had in a long time.

We all know that things that are good for us often aren’t enjoyable in the moment, like doing pushups or eating raw broccoli or swallowing bitter medicine. We do them for the benefit that comes later. But sometimes things that normally give us pleasure fail to do so. Yet they can still bear good fruit. Often when I feel lost or confused or gloomy or beaten down or unmotivated, I make myself do something that I know is good. That I’ll be glad I did when the storm clouds pass. The sense of accomplishment I gain doesn’t always pull me out of my funk, but it usually helps.

So when a normally life-giving activity disappoints you, try pressing on. If it continues to taste like stale bread, then maybe your interests have changed, and it’s time to move on. But in the meantime, stick it out. Do the good you know to do. Remember that it’s okay to feel what you’re feeling. Just keep going. If you do, you might feel yourself coming alive, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

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