Becoming Yourself

Developing a Better You

Tag: personal growth (Page 27 of 62)

Find Peace Through Simplicity (part 2): Your Time

February 19, 2022 / / 0 Comments

My wonderful readers – I am working hard on the revisions requested by my editor for my debut novel which will publish next summer with Penguin Random House (more details to come in future posts!). So for a few weeks, I’ll be mining some popular posts from previous years. This one was originally published October 24, 2020. Thank you so much for your support and understanding! I hope you find this helpful on your journey toward Becoming Yourself.

In my last post, I told the story of how simplifying my relationship with material possessions has led to greater peace and significant life change. You can read it here.

The story doesn’t end there. Just as I fell for the advertising lie that more stuff equals more happiness, I used to buy into the idea that a filled schedule is better than minimal one. “I’m squeezing the most out of life” and “Look how busy and important I am” became subconscious mantras I told myself to justify my overcommitted calendar.

I’ve been amazed at how well the lessons of simplicity I learned about my stuff have worked when applied to my time. Decluttering my possessions led to decluttering my schedule. Saying no to impulse purchases led to saying no to impulse commitments. Less stress and greater freedom with my finances led to less stress and greater freedom with my schedule.

Most of us love the idea of more free time and fewer commitments, just as most of us love the idea of an organized and decluttered house. But we don’t drift into either of those things. It takes intentionality. Without vigilance, our schedules can gradually fill up with commitments just like our homes can gradually fill up with possessions.

When my wife Lisa and I moved from a big house in Arizona with lots of stuff to an apartment in California with not much stuff, I chose to make a fresh start with my commitments. I started with a blank slate, then added things to my schedule thoughtfully, realizing the beauty of calendar space. I prioritized the things that really matter to me, like relationships, creativity, and serving, by using the same criteria for my commitments that I applied to my possessions – true utility or real joy. Lisa helped keep me honest. Now with margin in my schedule, I have time to deal with the unexpected things life throws my way and look forward to the few things I do agree to.

If there’s one positive thing that’s come from COVID-19, it may be that the canceling of so many of our regular events, commitments, and activities has forced us to reexamine our relationship with them. What is really most important to us? How do we actually want to spend our most precious resource – time?

What would your schedule look like if you could start over? Here’s an exercise to find out. Begin with a blank canvas, hypothetically eliminating everything. Due to coronavirus restrictions, that may even be close to your reality right now. Then carefully put back one commitment at a time. Leave nothing unquestioned, even your work schedule. You probably can’t quit your job, but is there a way to get the time requirements closer to where you want to be? Are you able to cut back or work more from home for greater flexibility and no commute? If not, ask the harder question of whether or not you’re in the right career long term.

For commitments you decide you want or need to keep, do they require their current frequency? Could you reduce some of your daily commitments to weekly, weekly to monthly, or monthly to quarterly? When COVID-19 restrictions lift, do your kids really need to be in soccer and band and karate? Is that actually good for them? For your family? When our kids were younger, my wife and I allowed them each one extra-curricular activity at a time. It truly saved our sanity.

Decluttering your schedule will provide many of the same benefits as decluttering your home. You’ll feel lighter, calmer, freer, and more peaceful. Saying no to “good but not best” things will open up time to say yes to things you really value. Sit down with your calendar today. Ask your significant others to help you and invite them to try it themselves. If you do, you’ll soon find more margin and peace, you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

How to Deal with Disappointment

January 15, 2022 / / 0 Comments

I read the text and burst into tears.

The day after Christmas, I’d woken up with a scratchy throat and a fever. I got progressively worse and went to a drive-through testing site. Later that day, I got the results. After being fully vaccinated, boosted and wearing a mask inside public places, I’d still somehow contracted Covid-19.

I didn’t cry because I’d finally caught the disease I’d been dodging for almost two years. And thanks to the vaccines, I wasn’t worried about landing in the hospital or dying. I was crushed because we were three days away from our family holiday gathering with our kids.

Both our son and daughter spent Christmas with their in-laws this year, with our family slated to spend New Year’s weekend together. The six of us all being in the same place is a rare occurrence, and each one is my favorite time of the year by a mile. Now, like so many other families this year, my Covid diagnosis had just blown that cherished occasion out of the water.

Here are some things I learned from that bitter disappointment:

1.  Let yourself feel it. 

Disappointments are painful. Pretending otherwise doesn’t help anyone. As my dear friend and accountability partner often reminds me in hard times, “You’ve gotta let yourself feel the feels.” And while it’s good perspective to remember that others have it far worse, that doesn’t negate your pain. Just because someone else has cancer doesn’t mean your broken leg doesn’t hurt. That’s why I let myself cry and express my sorrow to my wife and kids.

2.  Is this a dream destroyed or a dream delayed?

After letting myself absorb the crushing news and talking it through with my wife, I called my kids. They were not only supportive and understanding, but let me know we could reschedule for a couple of weeks later. While still disappointing, the sting was much less when I learned I just had to wait a little longer.

3. Are there any hidden benefits to the change? 

Often you’re unable to see any unexpected benefits to a disappointment, at least not until time has passed. But sometimes you can find them even in the short term. My wife pointed out that if we had done our family celebration on Christmas Day and my pre-gathering test came up negative, I would have unknowingly put everyone at risk. I felt a huge relief knowing that didn’t happen.

4. Let it go.

My wife used to be a realtor and often put in countless hours with a client only to have them decide not to buy or worse yet, purchase a for-sale-by-owner home. Both instances meant she didn’t get paid. When that happened, her real estate broker gave her sage advice that she’s lived by ever since: “Let yourself feel bad for five minutes, then say ‘What’s next?’” Clinging to bitter disappointment doesn’t change the reality of it—it only lengthens its negative impact.

Disappointment is inevitable. How you respond to it is up to you. Let yourself ‘feel the feels.’ See if it’s a defeat or a delay. Search out any hidden benefits or hard-won lessons. Then let it go and move on. If you do, you’ll soften life’s stings and take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

The Real Point of Celebrating New Year’s

January 1, 2022 / / 0 Comments

What’s the point of celebrating New Year’s anyway?

It’s a milestone, a way of marking time. A chance to look back over a segment of our lives with fondness or regret. An opportunity for reflection, to see how (or if) we’ve grown personally. A convenient bookend to Christmas which extends the holiday season. An excuse to celebrate and have a good time.

Those are all valid reasons. But I think there’s a deeper one, an underlying theme that ties them all together. One that all of us long for but most of us rarely talk about with any depth.

It’s hope. I believe we celebrate New Year’s because we’re longing for hope. Hope that the coming year will be better than the last. This typically manifests itself in three ways:

1. We hope THE WORLD will be better.

That Covid will fade. Political division will ease. Racial tensions will improve. Economic disparity will lesson.

2. We hope OUR LIVES will be better.

Less stressful. Less difficult. More enjoyable. More fulfilling. Healed relationships. An improved work situation.

3. We hope that WE will be better.

More confident. More loving. More patient. More passionate. More compassionate. More alive.

So here’s the real question:

How realistic are those hopes?

I’m an optimist by nature and choice, but if I’m honest about my hopes for THE WORLD, things are looking grim. Unless our vaccination rates increase, Covid is sticking around for awhile. While the U.S. political landscape feels calmer than in recent years, it appears as fractured as ever. A broader acceptance of the ongoing impact of racism is helpful, but we have a long road ahead toward deep cultural change. Until those at the top choose to invest in and share with those at the bottom, the wealth gap will continue to grow, to the detriment of us all.

There are things I can do to bring about my hopes for THE WORLD. I can get vaccinated, commit to civil discourse and open-mindedness on political issues, acknowledge my own racial privilege, support policies for a more just economy and give money to quality charities that work to end global poverty. But even with all that, my impact will be relatively small.

My odds of actualizing my hopes for MY LIFE are better. I can scale back on my commitments, adopt a greater work/life balance, spend more time on life-giving hobbies, pursue a more enjoyable career and invest in meaningful relationships. But many things remain outside of my control—layoffs, illnesses, accidents and the choices of others can all seriously impact my quality of life.

That leaves me with my hopes for becoming a better version of MYSELF. Physically. Spiritually. Mentally. Emotionally. These are largely within my control. Improvements in this arena are ones that no one can take away from me. But no one can make them for me either. I can choose to act more loving and my feelings will follow. I can choose moderate exercise and mindful eating and I’ll feel better physically. I can grow spiritually by committing to a regular time of positive reading, meditation and communicating with my higher power. I can become more passionate by discovering and investing time in life-giving activities. I can become more compassionate by volunteering and giving money away.

So as you celebrate the New Year, think about your hopes. Do your small but important part to bring about your hopes for THE WORLD. Make minor and major changes to actualize your hopes for YOUR LIFE. But invest the lion’s share of your energy and attention to breathe life into your hopes for YOURSELF. Into becoming a better you. Because when YOU are better, your LIFE will improve, and you’ll set an example for others that can quite literally change the WORLD. If you do, you’ll take another giant step toward Becoming Yourself.

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