Developing a Better You

Tag: personal growth (Page 39 of 62)

3 Gifts I Gave Myself on my 50th Birthday: Forgiveness, Gratitude, and Hope

My recent birthday brought to mind this post I originally published in June of 2019. Given all that’s gone on in the first half of 2020, the three gifts I gave myself last year seemed helpful to revisit. I hope they are encouraging to you on your journey toward Becoming Yourself.

I turned fifty years old last week. My wife Lisa and I took a scenic train ride through the Napa Valley countryside and enjoyed a gourmet meal to mark the occasion. I’d always thought this particular birthday would be a momentous milestone, but honestly it didn’t feel like either a big celebration or a sad farewell to my younger days.

That said, hitting the fifty year mark did offer a poignant opportunity for introspection, and since I have a contemplative bent, I did some reflecting. I looked back over where I’ve been in my life. I looked around at where I am. I looked ahead to where I’m going. After all that looking, I decided to give myself three gifts for my fiftieth birthday:

GIFT #1: FORGIVENESS

I gave myself the gift of looking at my past with forgiveness. Forgiveness for my mistakes. For my failures. For the opportunities I’ve squandered. All that looking back brought plenty of those less pleasant memories to mind. I could surrender to shame and regret, but what good would that really do? It wouldn’t help me or anyone else. So, while remembering the lessons those stumbles have taught me, I’m choosing to admit that I’m imperfect and letting myself enjoy the gift of grace, both from God and myself.

GIFT #2: GRATITUDE

I gave myself the gift of looking at my present with gratitude. Gratitude for what I’ve been given. For what I’ve accomplished. For who I’ve become. Like all of us, I’ve had, and continue to have, my problems and struggles, but overall my life is amazing. I have a great family and friends. I’m healthy. I get to do work that I enjoy. I have an exciting and healing relationship with God. I live in a place I love. And while I still have a long way to go, I’ve made good progress on my personal development goals. I have so much to be grateful for. I’m giving myself the gift of gratitude because it makes my problems feel smaller and my life sweeter.

GIFT #3: HOPE

I gave myself the gift of looking at my future with hope. I have no idea what the rest of my life will bring. I may be dead tomorrow. Tragedy could strike in any number of ways in the coming months and years, and I’m sure I will face more hard times. That said, I believe there are exciting adventures ahead. Unexpected joys. Worthwhile endeavors to be attempted and completed. Relationships to be savored and experiences shared. I’m expectant, buoyed by my belief that whatever comes, God has my back and will carry me through (for more on finding hope, see my post here).

So how about you? You don’t need to wait for a special milestone to give yourself these gifts. Do it today. Take just ten minutes to reflect on your life. Start by looking honestly at your past mistakes, failures, and regrets. Then give yourself the gift of FORGIVENESS. Spend the next few minutes looking at the good things about your present, and give yourself the gift of GRATITUDE. Spend some moments looking at your future. Think of the possibilities, experiences, accomplishments, and relationships that await, and give yourself the gift of HOPE. Finish off your time in silence, clearing your thoughts and listening for anything that God, the universe, or your own mind might have to say. If you do, you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

3 Simple Questions to Help You Fight Injustice

Fight Injustice: Justice Statue

I noticed this post from February of 2018 was trending lately here at Becoming Yourself. Given the current social justice issue raging across the globe, I decided to share it again in hopes that it’s helpful for you in processing your own response to these troubled times.

I just found out a friend has cancer. She’s a great person. Young, married with a couple of kids, very talented, and giving. One thought that keeps running through my mind is, “This is not fair.” And you know what? It isn’t fair. But as we’ve all learned, “fairness” does not seem to be at the heart of this world’s operating system. Injustice appears to be everywhere. Sometimes it’s seemingly random, like cancer. Sometimes it’s caused by the actions of others. We hear stories of it everyday.

So what do we do with that? I’m not talking about a philosophical debate on the reasons for the Problem of Pain or the Existence of Evil. That’s a discussion for another time. My question is this: how do we respond to the reality of injustice in our world? There are basically three options:

1. The Ostrich Response – we bury our heads in the sand and pretend we don’t see injustice.
2. The Stone Response – we acknowledge the pain caused by injustice but harden our hearts to it.
3. The Servant Response – we open our eyes to the injustice in the world and try to do something about it.

Fight Injustice: WordsI’ve tried those first two options before. Many times. I’ve pretended that I didn’t see people suffering because it made me feel sad and guilty. At other times I’ve hardened my heart to the pain caused by injustice because I felt powerless to do anything of significance to stop it. But over time, I’ve learned that if I’m going to become the kind of person I really want to be, I have to choose the Servant Response. To go even further, I think if there’s any hope for the world to become what I believe it should be, most people have to choose option #3. I’m guessing many of you would agree.

So, if you want to be a Servant to others, if you desire to be a part of the solution to the problem of injustice, how do you do it? There’s a thousand ways to answer that question. No one response fits everyone, but here are a few questions you can ask yourself to get started:

1. What cause moves my heart?
We’re all wired differently. We’ve all had unique experiences and have particular passions. Find the one area of injustice that most speaks to you. Is it people who are hungry? Those lacking clean water? Kids that don’t have access to education? Young women trapped in sex trafficking? People suffering from homelessness? Those impacted by natural disasters? Groups dealing with racial, gender, or orientation prejudice? Whatever it is, zero in and choose just one.

Fight Injustice: Batman and Superman2. What one practical step can I take to make a difference in that area?
No one can do everything but everyone can do something. Don’t start out with a goal that’s too lofty or nebulous like “end world hunger.” Make it clear and achievable. Start with something like “I will volunteer once at my local food bank” or “I will sign up to sponsor a needy child in another country.” The answer might be obvious to you or it might take a little research. A simple internet search on your area of interest can yield a lot of options. Try volunteermatch.org, a website that lists volunteer opportunities by category in your area or one of my wife Lisa’s favorite sites, donorschoose.org, where you can contribute to very targeted educational projects. Write down your goal and put it where you’ll see it, like a sticky note on your mirror. Share your action step with another person and ask them to hold you accountable. Set a time limit for yourself to actually complete the task.

3. What can I do to continue my impact?
After you’ve done your one practical step, take a moment to pat yourself on the back. Well done! You made a difference. You took a step. Now ask yourself what second step you can take. If your one-time volunteer experience seemed a good fit, sign up to go once a month. If it wasn’t for you, try another one. I volunteered with about five different organizations before I found one that really clicked with me. Now I volunteer there once or twice a month. The hard part is getting going. You’ve already done that. Now keep up the momentum until it becomes a habit. Before you know it, you’ll be regularly making a difference in the lives of people suffering from injustice!

Here’s a personal benefit for you. In his most famous teaching, the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus said, “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for justice: they shall have their fill.” (Matthew 5:6). I believe he was saying that when you allow yourself to see the pain caused by injustice and take a stand against it, you will find a deep sense of satisfaction with your life. Who doesn’t want that?

Fight Injustice: Martin Luther King Jr.As you enter into the battle against injustice, it’s easy to feel defeated at times and wonder if what you’re doing really makes a difference. Martin Luther King Jr. knew that feeling but kept himself and others going with this insight: “The moral arc of the universe is long but it bends towards justice.” Keep fighting. In the end, justice wins.

A final story that I heard many years ago that still motivates me:

Fight Injustice: StarfishA boy was walking on the beach and saw that the tide had stranded thousands of starfish on the sand. The sun was coming up and the starfish were going to dry out and die. He began to pick them up, one by one, and throw them back into the ocean. A man came along and said, “What difference can you make? There are thousands of them and you’re just one boy. Who cares?” The boy bent to pick up one more. As he tossed the starfish back in the water, he said, “This one cares.”

For every small step you take to stand against injustice, there will be someone impacted by it who cares. Take that first small step today. If you do, it will be another step toward Becoming Yourself.
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This post was inspired by this reflection from Franciscan priest Richard Rohr. You can get his daily emails here.

Other related Becoming Yourself posts:

The Santa Effect: 3 Simple Ways to Give Where You Get

3 Simple Steps to New Year’s Resolution Success

How to Hold Back an Ocean – Be a Brick in the Wall

I did not want to write this post.

I have readers of differing backgrounds, orientations, spiritual beliefs, political affiliations, etc. The thing that unites us is a desire to grow into better versions of ourselves. That reality makes writing about social issues difficult, especially in our current climate where virtually anything you say about a controversial topic is likely to be used as a political cudgel to beat you with.

I decided to proceed because I think most of us, despite our differences, believe in truth, freedom, dignity, inclusion, equality, love, respect, and compassion. We should be able to talk about how well we’re doing at living out these shared values, both as individuals and a society, without it devolving into a political shouting match. This type of analysis is an issue of personal development. We have to start by being honest about who we are before we can focus on who we want to become.

As I thought about the applicability of this topic to my diverse readership, I realized that it really applies to everyone. Saying a social issue doesn’t impact me if it’s not about my particular group is like finding out I have liver cancer and saying, “That’s the liver’s problem.” It’s impacting me whether I acknowledge it or not. We are all part of the body of humanity.

Albeit poorly, I attempt to follow the example of Jesus. That puts me in a certain group. Some people who claim membership in that same group hold positions that I vehemently disagree with. While I don’t want to be lumped in with them, I recognize the necessity and importance of my group being critiqued for its shortcomings, both from within and without, as uncomfortable as that might be for me. It’s also worth mentioning that while Jesus was kind, gentle, and loving, He was also fiercely confrontational in challenging injustice and hypocrisy, especially among religious leaders and systems.

So I’m about to critique a group. I hope that you’ll clearly hear what I AM saying and, just as importantly, what I’m NOT saying. Here we go.

Police officers willingly sign up to do things I would never want to do. They risk their lives and see the worst of humanity on a daily basis. They have my deep respect, admiration, and gratitude.

I have friends who are police officers. One told me how terrifying it was to run into the darkness toward gunfire. Another shared that he became an officer to help people but feels like all he does is put proverbial Band-Aids on society’s bullet holes. I honor anyone who dons the uniform and believe the large majority of them are good, sincere people who make the world a better, safer place.

That said, for a minority of America’s police force, all lives are not created equal. People with black or brown skin are routinely treated with far less dignity than people with white skin. I used to persuade myself that it was just a few bad apples, but I haven’t been able to accept that lie for a long time now. The repeated killing of unarmed black people by police, and the justice system’s failure to convict the vast majority of those cases, both reveal deep structural and cultural failings in our country.

The killing of George Floyd, a black man under suspicion of forgery, by a white police officer has released an explosion of rage and protests around the world. As I watched the video, my horror was not just that the officer pressed his knee into George’s neck for almost nine minutes as George lay on the ground, subdued and passive, pleading for his life. It wasn’t just that he repeatedly said he couldn’t breathe while calling the officer “sir.” It wasn’t even that bystanders were begging the officer to stop, saying he was killing George.

My true horror came from the calm, detached look on the officer’s face, appearing oblivious to the pleas of the crowd and the weeping of the man under his knee. It came from the three other officers who, by all appearances, did nothing to stop their peer from killing a man as he begged for his life. It came from the fact that they did this in broad daylight, in front of a crowd, with video cameras rolling, as if they believed that nothing would happen to them. That it simply didn’t matter. That George didn’t matter.

I have a good friend who works at a major bank. He is a talented musician who plays faithfully at his church. A loving father and husband. A regular blood donor. He’s generous, smart, and funny. And he doesn’t feel safe taking a stroll in his upper-middle class neighborhood because he’s black.

Some of his white neighbors recently posted on their community’s message board that they are patrolling the streets “locked and loaded” looking for thugs and looters. My friend doesn’t use his own sidewalk because he knows from long experience that people see him not for who he is but for who they fear him to be – a criminal.

Some have made the argument that the Black Lives Matter movement is faulty because all lives matter. I believe this is a misunderstanding of the message. As I heard a black commentator recently explain, the point of Black Lives Matter is not that black people matter more, but that they matter as much. They simply want the same rights, respect, and treatment as white people. Shouldn’t that be the goal? To live in a society that values all of its citizens equally?

Jane Elliott, a white school teacher and anti-racism educator, stood before a largely white audience in a packed auditorium. She asked for any white person who would be happy to be treated like our society generally treats our black citizens to please stand. Unsurprisingly, no one stood. She said this plainly reveals that “you know what’s happening, you know you don’t want it for you. I want to know why you’re so willing to accept it or to allow it to happen for others?” 

As a privileged, white, straight, cisgender male, I’ve never had to face any significant marginalization or oppression. I don’t claim to speak for people of color or their experience. I only seek to stand beside them. For change. For justice. For respect. For dignity. For equality.

If you share my feelings, what can you do? Addressing a huge, systemic injustice issue feels like trying to hold back the ocean with a single brick. You can’t. But you can add your brick to the wall. And a strong enough wall can hold back a raging sea.

So thank police officers who faithfully live out their oath to protect and serve, but also raise your voice when you see injustice. Stand in solidarity with people of color. When they tell you that racism is still a huge problem in America, believe them. Contact your local and state representatives expressing your support for police and judicial reform (here’s a guide, then simply search “how to contact my mayor / governor / representative / senator…”). Donate to organizations that fight for racial justice like the Equal Justice Initiative (EJI). Step back from any unquestioned political party allegiance you may have, and vote for those who back policies supporting equality, inclusion, justice, accountability, truth, love, and compassion. If you do, you’ll help heal our society and take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

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