Developing a Better You

Tag: personal growth (Page 49 of 62)

What an Encounter with Goats Taught Me About Personal Development

It wasn’t what I expected to see in a major city like Sacramento. A few weeks ago, I was riding a Jump bike to meet my son for lunch. I crossed the Tower Bridge, then pedaled down the bike path along the Sacramento River, enjoying the view of downtown directly across the water.

Goats along the Sacramento River

And then I saw the goats. Lots of goats. About two hundred goats. I stopped my bike and just stared at them in confusion. Why was there a large herd of goats literally on the edge of bustling modern city? As I watched, they wandering the sloping riverbank, contentedly munching on clumps of tall weeds. A few dogs ran about, keeping the goats in line. A man lounged nearby in a portable chair under a shade tree, his hat pulled low over his eyes. It looked like a scene from the agricultural heartlands in the 1950s, not downtown Sacramento in 2019. I was utterly confused.

Then an article I read awhile ago came back to me. It was about cities using goats for landscaping in hard to reach areas. Suddenly, it all made sense. The city had hired this man to have his goats eat the weeds growing along the steep, rocky riverbank. It was a simple, old school, environmentally friendly way to trim an area not easily reached by modern landscaping equipment.

As I rode away, I realized how often I overlook simple solutions as I try to deal with the “weeds” in my life. The weeds of fear, anxiety, relational problems, exhaustion, stress, identity issues, career uncertainties – they all crop up at one point or another and need to be dealt with. I so easily gravitate toward the latest book, program, or fad that claims to address my problems. But sometimes, all that’s needed is a return to the simple habits I’ve learned but gotten away from. Getting enough sleep. Eating well. Moderate exercise. Maintaining work / life balance. Spending time with friends. Practicing gratitude. Being productive. Having a regular time of meditation / prayer / spiritual reflection. Helping others. Resting. Enjoying a hobby.

I’m not saying that all of the problems we face in our lives can be fixed with these kinds of simple practices. There are some issues that require deeper, more complex techniques to address effectively. But I think we often make the solutions to the “weed problems” in our lives out to be more complicated than necessary. We overthink them when sometimes all that’s needed is a back-to-basics approach. A focus on the fundamentals.

So as you look at pulling the weeds in your life, take a step back. Make sure the simple things are in place first. Go through a mental checklist of basic physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual practices that most of us learned when we were kids. As author Robert Fulghum reminded us, “All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten.” You may find that using these old-school goats will take care of a lot of your weeds, and you’ll be on your way to Becoming Yourself.

A Model for Personal Growth: Finding (and Being) a Mentor

Have you ever met someone who’s life you wanted to imitate? For me, his name is Clare. I got to know him because our sons have been best friends since kindergarten. He’s about ten years older than me, and the more we spent time together, the more I was intrigued by him. By his perspective. By his attitude. By his approach to life. By the way he talked about deep things in a casual, approachable way. There was just something about about the freedom, spontaneity, and balance he seemed to have that struck a chord with me.

I started being more intentional during our interactions. I asked open ended questions about life, then listened closely to what he had to say, trying to absorb as much as I could. We talked about raising kids, marriage, careers, faith, money management, death, retirement, serving others, traveling, you name it. He often challenged my thinking without ever pressuring me to change. Clare just offered his perspective and was content to let me do with it what I would.

Some of his beliefs and habits I adopted right away, but there were others I wasn’t ready for. They were too far outside of my mental box. I wasn’t equipped yet to understand or embrace them. As the years have passed and I’ve been exposed to more experiences, ideas, and relationships, I’ve come to embrace more and more of his way of thinking in many areas.

My friendship with Clare gave me a model of what my life could be like. Of what I could be like. He’s been a resource, a sounding board, and a source of wisdom for me over the years. Almost without my realizing it, Clare became a mentor to me.

A younger friend recently reached out to me asking if I’d be a mentor to him. I was honestly very surprised and humbled. After taking some time to think and pray about it, I decided it was something I wanted to do. I shared with him that I certainly don’t have all the answers, but, like Clare did with me, I was willing to give what I have. I told him that my thoughts, feelings, and beliefs on various topics have changed since I was his age twenty years ago. I explained that we might disagree on things and that’s okay. I let him know I was grateful for the opportunity to pass on what I’ve learned and was looking forward to what he will teach me in return.

So how about you? Could you use a “general life” mentor? Is there someone whose life, attitude, and perspective seems different, intriguing, and appealing? If you’re already spending time with that person, be intentional about the questions you ask. Draw them out. Soak up what they have to offer. If they’re not in your regular relational circle, reach out. Make the ask. Be clear about what you’re looking for. If they agree, makes sure you understand and respect their boundaries. Set clear parameters and expectations for the mentorship. For example, my friend and I agreed that, since we live in different states, we would FaceTime over our lunch hour once a week. We gave each other permission to share what we discussed with our spouses unless one of us specifically asked to keep something between us. That kind of clarity saves confusion and hurt feelings.

On the other side of the coin, are you living a life that would prepare you for being a mentor? Are you becoming a person that people notice because, in a good way, you stand out from the crowd? Does your life have something to say? I’m not talking about being arrogant or advertising yourself as a mentor, though professional life coaches definitely have their place. I’m saying that if you’ve worked steadily at personal development over a long period of time, it’s natural that you’d have something to offer other people who are attempting to walk the same path. If you are living in an open and real way in day-to-day relationships with people who are in different seasons of life, you may be asked to be a mentor. You can’t control that of course, but you can control the person you’re becoming. In addition, you could volunteer at one of a wide variety of organizations looking for people to serve as mentors of different types (check volunteermatch.org for opportunities near you).

My mentor Clare

I believe one reason to work hard at personal development is to attain a better quality of life for yourself. I think a second is to help provide a better quality of life for others. That’s why I said yes to mentoring my friend. That’s why I write this blog. As Clare was generous in sharing his life with me, I want to do the same for others however I can.

So ask yourself these questions:

  1. Is there someone who could be a mentor in your life?
  2. Are you working steadily at becoming a person others would look to for mentoring? Are there ways you could mentor someone now?

Be honest with your answers. If you do, you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

Redefine Your Personal Development Success by Looking Back

The massage was done, and I could barely get off the table. Not because I was so relaxed, but because I was in so much pain. I injured my lower back nine months ago, and the recovery has been a slow walk down a long road. Even after a massage, my back muscles were spasming, making it feel like I was being prodded none-too-gently with an electric knife.

It wasn’t a complete surprise. I had flown to Phoenix for a music gig over the weekend, and travel, along with being on stage, can aggravate the injury. When I got back home, I had to do some furniture repair work in our apartment which required a lot of bending, another trigger.

On my massage therapist’s recommendation, I iced my back that night which helped. The next morning, I walked to an errand with my wife while I waited for my chiropractor’s office to open. My back seized up on the return trip, requiring me to stop and stretch it out before I could continue. Still having this much trouble nine months after the injury was frustrating.

Later that morning, I told my chiropractor everything I’d been doing and the pain I’d been experiencing. His reply really helped my perspective. He reminded me that a few months ago, just flying alone was enough to cause me pain. This time, it took the cumulative effect of traveling, performing, and doing a home repair project to bring on the pain symptoms. He congratulated me on my progress. I realized that the ground I’d gained on dealing with this issue had been so gradual over such a long period of time that I wasn’t seeing it clearly. I was focusing on the fact that I’m still dealing with pain after nine months vs. what it takes to cause pain now compared to earlier in my recovery.

How often do I do the same thing with personal development? I look at a growth area I’ve been working on and am frustrated that I’m not where I want to be. But am I better than I was? Have I made improvements, however slow the process has been? Am I farther down the road than when I started?

My challenge to myself and encouragement to you in your personal development process is this:

Gauge success based on how far you’ve come, not how far you have to go.

Instead of asking yourself, “Am I in shape?”, ask “Am I in better shape than when I started working out?” Instead of “Do I still get angry?”, ask “Do I get angry less often than I used to?” Instead of “Am I still in debt?”, ask “Am I less in debt that I was a year ago?” Instead of “Are my prayers honest?”, ask “Are my prayers more honest than they used to be?”

I’m not talking about rationalizing bad behavior, making excuses, or taking our eyes off our growth goals. I’m talking about redefining success as forward progress. Moving in the right direction. Like life, personal development is a journey, not a destination. When I first started this blog, Becoming Yourself, I almost used the tag line “Develop Your Best Self.” But I realized that was misleading. It implies that your best self is something you can attain when it’s not. Not in this life anyway. I chose the phrase “Developing a Better You” because I believe it more accurately reflects the ongoing, life-long process of personal development.

So how about you? How do you define your personal development success? Give yourself a break. When you’re gauging how you’re doing, look back at how far you’ve come vs. just looking at how far you have to go. Be encouraged. Be proud of yourself. Choose the long view. Let that positive feeling motivate you to keep putting one foot in front of the other. If you do, you’ll take another great step toward Becoming Yourself.

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