Becoming Yourself

Developing a Better You

Tag: real self (Page 2 of 9)

The “4 H Formula” for Life Change: Humility + Help + Healing = Hope

October 10, 2020 / / 0 Comments

Lately, I’ve seen an uptick in the reading of posts on the topic of hope here at Becoming Yourself. Given everything going on in our world, it’s not surprising. We could all use a little more hope these days. With that in mind, I thought I’d share a post about finding hope that I wrote in March of 2019.

Being a pastor is a weird job. You do a lot of different things, and defining success can be tricky. Ultimately, the job of any pastor is to help people. As a former music pastor for twenty-five years, my primary job was to produce the weekend services, but over my career, I also did a lot of listening and counseling.

Through decades of trying to help people become better versions of themselves, I saw a pattern emerge. It was the framework for a process that led to real growth, one that was key to every successful life-change story I observed. I’ve used this technique many times in my own personal development journey as well.

I’m going to share that process here. Whatever pain or struggle you’re going through in your life – a relationship problem, depression, addiction, etc. – the “4 H Formula” may work for you. Here it is:

HUMILITY + HELP + HEALING = HOPE

1. HUMILITY – If the first step in solving a problem is acknowledging you have one, the second is recognizing that, in most cases, you’ve had a hand in it. That you’re not just a victim, but part of the cause. That kind of brutal honesty is difficult. But without it the likelihood of overcoming your issue is almost zero. Of course there are instances when horrible things happen to you through literally no fault of your own. That’s tragic. That said, to move forward you have to take responsibility for how you’ve chosen to respond to that suffering and what action, or lack of action, you’ve taken. That takes HUMILITY.

2. HELP – The second part of the formula is to admit you need help. There are some problems you can tackle on your own, but for serious ones you almost always need HELP. Making that admission, then taking the critical step of actually asking for HELP, really gets the change process moving. Whether it’s reaching out to a friend, doctor, pastor, or professional counselor, allowing others to HELP you is vital.

3. HEALING – So you’ve shown HUMILITY by admitting your part in your problem and have asked appropriate people for HELP. Now you’re ready for the third part of the equation – take the actions necessary for HEALING. Getting help is great, but no-one can “fix you.” You have to do that yourself. You can get all the best help and advice in the world, but if you don’t act on it, nothing will change. I’ve seen this time and time again, in my own life and in those I’ve counseled. Don’t let this be you! Be brave. Do the hard work. Take action. If you add HEALING to HUMILITY and HELP, that can result in…

4. HOPE – Humility + Help + Healing = HOPE. You’ve worked your way through the formula. You’ve tackled your problem with honesty and courage which has led to real growth and change. Now revel in the feeling of HOPE that you’ve earned!

Here are a couple of real-life stories of the 4 H Formula in action (for anonymity, I’ve changes the names and certain details):

John met with me at church and shared that he was in deep depression to the point of being suicidal. He showed HUMILITY in admitting the actions he’d taken that contributed to his problems. He reached out to me for HELP. I listened, asked questions, and prayed with him. Then I gave John the phone number of a professional therapist who could give him some tools to enable him to move forward. He made the call, went to his appointments, and took the action steps the therapist gave him for HEALING. Months later, John called me saying he felt like a new person. He’d found HOPE again.

I met Gail for coffee, and she confessed to an addiction that was wrecking her marriage. She showed HUMILITY by acknowledging that her own choices were a big part of her problems. She reached out to me for HELP and asked for accountability in taking steps to break her addiction. Gail enrolled in a recovery group, worked diligently at tasks that aided in her HEALING, and was transparent with her family about her journey. A year later, she told me how great her marriage was doing. Gail’s commitment to the 4 H Formula had brought her to a place of HOPE.

So how about you? Is there a problem you’re facing that makes you feel hopeless? Are you ready to take steps toward real change? Try the 4 H Formula: Show HUMILITY. Ask for HELP. Take action for HEALING. If you do, you’ll find HOPE and take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

Disclaimer: I am not a licensed professional counselor and all opinions expressed here are my own.

3 Gifts I Gave Myself on my 50th Birthday: Forgiveness, Gratitude, and Hope

June 20, 2020 / / 6 Comments

My recent birthday brought to mind this post I originally published in June of 2019. Given all that’s gone on in the first half of 2020, the three gifts I gave myself last year seemed helpful to revisit. I hope they are encouraging to you on your journey toward Becoming Yourself.

I turned fifty years old last week. My wife Lisa and I took a scenic train ride through the Napa Valley countryside and enjoyed a gourmet meal to mark the occasion. I’d always thought this particular birthday would be a momentous milestone, but honestly it didn’t feel like either a big celebration or a sad farewell to my younger days.

That said, hitting the fifty year mark did offer a poignant opportunity for introspection, and since I have a contemplative bent, I did some reflecting. I looked back over where I’ve been in my life. I looked around at where I am. I looked ahead to where I’m going. After all that looking, I decided to give myself three gifts for my fiftieth birthday:

GIFT #1: FORGIVENESS

I gave myself the gift of looking at my past with forgiveness. Forgiveness for my mistakes. For my failures. For the opportunities I’ve squandered. All that looking back brought plenty of those less pleasant memories to mind. I could surrender to shame and regret, but what good would that really do? It wouldn’t help me or anyone else. So, while remembering the lessons those stumbles have taught me, I’m choosing to admit that I’m imperfect and letting myself enjoy the gift of grace, both from God and myself.

GIFT #2: GRATITUDE

I gave myself the gift of looking at my present with gratitude. Gratitude for what I’ve been given. For what I’ve accomplished. For who I’ve become. Like all of us, I’ve had, and continue to have, my problems and struggles, but overall my life is amazing. I have a great family and friends. I’m healthy. I get to do work that I enjoy. I have an exciting and healing relationship with God. I live in a place I love. And while I still have a long way to go, I’ve made good progress on my personal development goals. I have so much to be grateful for. I’m giving myself the gift of gratitude because it makes my problems feel smaller and my life sweeter.

GIFT #3: HOPE

I gave myself the gift of looking at my future with hope. I have no idea what the rest of my life will bring. I may be dead tomorrow. Tragedy could strike in any number of ways in the coming months and years, and I’m sure I will face more hard times. That said, I believe there are exciting adventures ahead. Unexpected joys. Worthwhile endeavors to be attempted and completed. Relationships to be savored and experiences shared. I’m expectant, buoyed by my belief that whatever comes, God has my back and will carry me through (for more on finding hope, see my post here).

So how about you? You don’t need to wait for a special milestone to give yourself these gifts. Do it today. Take just ten minutes to reflect on your life. Start by looking honestly at your past mistakes, failures, and regrets. Then give yourself the gift of FORGIVENESS. Spend the next few minutes looking at the good things about your present, and give yourself the gift of GRATITUDE. Spend some moments looking at your future. Think of the possibilities, experiences, accomplishments, and relationships that await, and give yourself the gift of HOPE. Finish off your time in silence, clearing your thoughts and listening for anything that God, the universe, or your own mind might have to say. If you do, you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

How to Have Healthy Relationships (part 3): Yourself

February 22, 2020 / / 2 Comments

Let’s start with an exercise – open your phone camera and flip the image so you can see yourself. Got it? Now ask yourself these questions: How is my relationship with the person I’m looking at? How well do I get along with myself? How do I feel about me?

Dating friends recently asked me about the keys to a healthy, long-term relationship. Since then, I’ve been reflecting on what I’ve learned in twenty-seven years of marriage to my wife Lisa. Beyond that, what have I learned in forty-nine years of deep connections with family and friends? To help clarify my thinking, I’ve been doing a series of blog posts here at Becoming Yourself. The first key I talked about was intentionality (read that post here), and the second was about expectations (read that post here).

The phone exercise was an introduction to this week’s key:

To have healthy relationships with OTHERS, you need a healthy relationship with YOURSELF

We know this intuitively, right? Most of us have been in or observed enough relationships to know that without positive self-worth and a clear sense of identity from both people, relationships tend to go badly. Without these anchors, an unhealthy codependancy and “clingyness” sets in. When we aren’t comfortable in our own skin, we always want a friend or our partner around because we don’t like being alone or we expect a relationship to solve our problems. While someone else can help you, bring out the best in you, and make life more fulfilling, they can’t fix you. Only you, and I would add God, can do that.

Some of this is personality driven. I’m an introvert, and I love to be alone with my own thoughts. Extroverts naturally enjoy being around other people much of the time. But regardless of your personality type, I think there’s a core issue of relationship to self that we all need to face. If we’re not okay with the person in the mirror, we’re going to have a really hard time being in healthy, long-term relationships. Why? Because the best thing you can bring to a relationship is a healthy you.

So how do you have a healthy relationship with yourself? I could recommend positive self-talk, concentrating on what you’re good at and the nice things people say about you, helping others and doing good in the world, etc.. Those are all wonderful things that will help you feel better about yourself, but I don’t think they address the core issue. When it comes to a positive relationship with yourself, I believe the most important thing is this:

IDENTITY

Who do you really think you are? If in your heart you believe you’re bad, spoiled, broken, a mistake, unworthy, stupid, or unlovable, then no amount of pep talking in the mirror is going to change that. But if deep down, you believe you’re wonderful, worthwhile, beautiful, wanted, cherished, prized, and loved, that’s going to radically impact your sense of self.

So how do you have the later view instead of the former? My best advice is to anchor your identity in something bigger than yourself that won’t move or shift or fail. For me, that’s God. I believe I was created to be in relationship with Her/Him (God is beyond gender binaries). That God desires to know me. That I’m more than a cosmic accident of time + matter + energy + chance. I build my sense of identity on a foundation that says no matter what I do or what happens in this life, I’m God’s child and always will be. That makes me feel really good about who I am, which enables me to give myself fully to others.

I know that for some of you, the God thing is a non-starter. I get it. We’ve all had different experiences and have different views on God and spirituality. That said, I think we all have the same core questions and issues to face, and one of the biggest is “Who am I?” You don’t have to base your identity on God, but you do have to base it on something. Make sure whatever you choose is big enough, strong enough, and unshakable enough to survive the storms of life. Careers, money, abilities, goals, activities, and other people are all great, but they’re also impermanent. Who will you be when they’re gone? How you choose to answer the question of identity will have a major impact on your relationship with yourself and in turn, your ability to have healthy, long-term relationships with others (for more on finding your identity, see my post here).

So how are you getting along with that person in the mirror? What do you ultimately believe about yourself? What will you choose as the foundation of your identity? Answer those questions well, and you’ll hold another key to deep, lasting relationships. And you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

This post was originally published February 23, 2019.

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