Tag: real self (Page 3 of 9)

How to Have Healthy Relationships (part 2): Expectations

February 15, 2020 / Matt McMann / 0 Comments

I recently had some dating friends ask me what the “secret” was to my twenty-seven year marriage with my wife Lisa. Rather than give an off the cuff answer, we decided to get the four of us together to discuss it. Since then, I’ve been thinking about how I would answer that question. What are some of the keys to developing and maintaining not just a marriage, but any healthy, long-term relationship? As I shared in my last post, one key is intentionality, taking specific actions toward the goal of building the relationship.

The second relationship key I want to share is a little slipperier. Harder to pin down. Constantly moving and adjusting. Often unspoken and unrealized, even to ourselves. What is it?

EXPECTATIONS

What are expectations? They’re the assumptions we have about the way things will be. What’s going to happen. How life is going to work out. They can be good or bad, realistic or crazy. Our brains are loaded with expectations about everything from the weather, to how our career is going to develop, to how good a movie will be.

Relationships are no exception. We all have relational expectations whether we’re aware of them or not. They’re influenced by a lot of things – how we were raised, the relational experiences we’ve had, the relationships we’ve observed first hand, even what we’ve read about or seen on TV and in movies. We have built in, usually subconscious expectations of what our relationships will be or should be like.

So here’s the big problem:

UNMET EXPECTATIONS ARE THE GREATEST SOURCE OF RELATIONAL CONFLICT

Think of any problem in a relationship, and you can usually trace it back to an unmet expectation. It might be about sex, handling money, punctuality, cleanliness, work ethic, religion, child raising, communication, how you spend the weekends, you name it. We all have expectations about how those things will or should go in a marriage / dating / friendship / family / fill in the blank type of relationship. When our expectations are the same as those of our partner, things are usually smooth. When they’re not, we have problems.

So what’s the solution?

EXPECTATION MANAGEMENT

What do I mean by that? Let’s start with three ways you might be managing your relational expectations poorly:

You have UNCLEAR expectations – when you don’t even realize or acknowledge your own assumptions, biases, and desires for your relationships, you’re destined for trouble. If you’re feeling upset, frustrated, or angry about your relationship but don’t know why, try to pinpoint exactly which aspect(s) of your relationship is causing the disconnect. Think specifically about each area of your relationship (money, work, sex, time, communication, etc.) and see which ones cause a negative emotional reaction. A hidden unmet expectation is probably the source of your feelings.
You have UNREALISTIC expectations – when the expectations you have for your partner or relationship are too low or too high, you’re going to have problems. For example, if you don’t have a good sense of self-worth, you could have too low an exception of being treated with respect. Conversely, if you base your expectation of what your romance will be like based on what you see in movies, you’re probably setting a bar no relationship can reach over the long term.
You have UNSPOKEN expectations – when you don’t voice your relational expectations to your partner, they’re bound to cause trouble. You may subconsciously be expecting the other person to be a mind reader. While assuming a certain degree of sensitivity is reasonable, thinking “if they cared about me, they would just know” is usually not. When you assume the other person understands your unspoken expectations and still fails to meet them, then you assign bad motives to their behavior when in many cases they are completely unaware that they’re disappointing you.

Now let’s look at three ways you can counter those problems and manage your relational expectations well:

IDENTIFY your expectations – think through what you believe should be true, or what you desire to be true, about your relationships in various areas (money, work, sex, time, communication, etc.). If it’s not clear to you, it’s probably not clear to your partner.
BALANCE your expectations – as with most things in life, it’s all about balance. About being reasonable. As in our previous example, setting your assumptions for a romantic relationship based on what you see in the movies is probably too high, but settling for no romance at all is probably too low. This takes time to figure out and will change as you get to know your partner better. Their past, internal wiring, and their own set of relational expectations will impact what are reasonable expectations for them to be able to meet. There’s nothing wrong with setting growth goals for your relational expectations either, as long as you do number 3.
SHARE your expectations – in real estate, it’s all about “location, location, location.” In relationships, it’s all about “communication, communication, communication.” Once you’ve identified and balanced your expectations, it’s time to communicate them. Clearly. Repeatedly. Patiently. Gently. Respectfully. And remember that how you say something is just as important as what you say.

So how are you doing with managing your relational expectations? Are any of your expectations UNCLEAR, UNREALISTIC, or UNSPOKEN? Are you ready to IDENTIFY, BALANCE, and SHARE them? If you are, dive in! Put in the effort. It takes some work upfront, but the benefits are amazing and long lasting. You’ll feel the tension drain away from your relationships and enjoy a peace and closeness you never thought possible. You can do this! And if you do, you’ll take another giant step toward Becoming Yourself.

This post was originally published February 16, 2019.

Vive la Différence: Supercharge Your Personal Growth by Widening Your Circle of Friends

February 1, 2020 / Matt McMann / 2 Comments

It started with my wife Lisa and I heading out for a walk. In the lobby of our apartment building, we noticed a woman we’d never met before and introduced ourselves. Her name was Helen. We began chatting and found her delightful. She had moved into the building by herself a few months earlier and didn’t know many people. We exchanged contact info, and Lisa encouraged Helen to reach out to us anytime.

Later that evening, I got an email from Helen inviting us to lunch. We happily accepted, and a few days later we enjoyed a meal together in a local restaurant. Over the course of several hours, we had a fascinating, wide-ranging discussion about careers, life experiences, religion, politics, children, food, and travel.

We learned that Helen is an amazing person with a powerful life story. She was born into a Jewish family in Poland the day before Hitler invaded and spent her early years in a Siberian labor camp. She endured incredible hardships in various countries before immigrating to the United States as a teenager. Helen speaks several languages, has a dry sense of humor, converses articulately on a wide range of subjects, and, at age seventy-nine, is probably in better shape than I am.

As I reflected back on our interaction with Helen, I realized it was much more than just an engaging lunch. As a person committed to becoming the best version of myself, spending time with people who have different backgrounds and perspectives than my own is vital. While having friends who are of a similar age and season of life is wonderful and important, I’m sharpened and stretched in different ways when I expand my circle of relationships to include people who are not just like me.

We are put on this planet only once and to limit ourselves to the familiar is a crime against our minds.
Roger Ebert

Helen and I are very different people. We have differences in upbringing, culture, language, gender, generation, spiritual perspective, and life experiences. But through spending time with her, I found that my thinking about life, myself, and the world around me was enriched, broadened, and wonderfully challenged. And along the way, we found common ground in our love of music, Japanese cuisine, politics, long walks, and our search for meaning and purpose in life. I’m a better person for being able to call Helen my friend.

So how about you? Do you have people in your life who see things differently? Do you seek them out? Are you exposing yourself to new ideas and perspectives? If you only surround yourself with people who look, think, and act like you, your growth will be significantly limited.

When you are around people whose stories aren’t similar to yours, do you merely tolerate their varied perspectives or do you genuinely try to understand them? Are you open to seeing what you can learn? Being strong in your views is not a bad thing, but it can unintentionally lead to arrogant, dismissive, or demeaning attitudes and behavior. It’s a trap I’ve fallen into before, one that I regularly have to remind myself to avoid. I don’t think I’m alone in that struggle.

So if you’re committed to personal growth, if you want to become a better version of yourself, I challenge you to seek out people with different perspectives. Invite them for lunch or coffee. Ask open ended questions and then truly listen. See what you can learn. Be open to having your opinions changed. Share your own thoughts with humility and respect. If you do, you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

This post was originally published Jan 19, 2019.

How to Connect With God: My Daily Practice

January 25, 2020 / Matt McMann / 0 Comments

In last week’s post How to Find Direction in Life’s Fog, I wrote that, during confusing times in my life, God was my best source of “fog burning sun.” In response, a regular reader asked if I would share some of my process for how I connect with God.

Honestly, I was hesitant. While I often write about how my spiritual perspective helps me become a better version of myself, I know that some of you come from different faiths or no faith at all. I respect that, and don’t want to come across as “preachy” or forceful of my worldview. My goal is simply to share things I’ve learned on my personal development journey that may help you walk your own path, whatever path that may be.

Then I remembered something – many of the best things I’ve learned from others did not come from their insights on a particular topic, but from their sharing the ways they practice personal development in their own lives. Even if they come from a very different perspective, I almost always glean a helpful idea or tool.

So with that in mind, I decided to share a brief overview of how I approach the “how to connect with God” question. If this isn’t for you, feel free to stop reading now and check out the another post on the site or wait for next week’s installment. Still interested? Read on.

How to Connect With God

To give some context for my practices, here are some of my fundamental beliefs:

A loving, powerful, intelligent, eternal Higher Power exists and is the creative force behind the universe (I use the term God, but this power goes by many names).
God wants to be known but will not force Herself/Himself on us (God is beyond gender binaries).
A life-giving, intimate, conversational relationship with God is possible.

Why I believe those particular things is not the purpose of this post. That said, here is my daily process of connecting with God:

MORNING

I start the day with a five-minute stretching routine while I steep a cup of hot Tetley brand English black tea in my Harry Potter tumbler. I sit in a comfortable chair in the library corner of our apartment and begin a practice with three loosely structured parts:

Listening

For 10-15 minutes, I center myself in silence. Sometimes I close my eyes, sometimes I leave them open, depending on what feels right or how sleepy I am. Some days I let my thoughts wander. Other times, I use various meditation techniques like centering prayer, or focusing on my breathing, a word (God, love, peace, etc.) or an image (a lonely beach, a mountain meadow, a fireplace, etc.). The particular technique isn’t important. The goal here is to quiet my mind and heart to a listening posture where I’m receptive to anything God might bring to my mind.

Talking

After listening, I begin talking with God. I start with thanking God for who She/He is to me and for things I’m grateful for. Then I think about people and situations I care about and ask God to provide them with the help they need. Finally, I consider my own needs and desires and express those to God, asking for strength and guidance to live well. This usually takes about 30 minutes.

how to connect with God — My chair in our corner library

Learning

After talking with God, I read some type of spiritual writing for 10-15 minutes. I’ve read and studied the Bible for many years, but lately have been drawn to other writings such as The Diary of an Old Soul by George MacDonald (spiritual poetry about pursuing God), Walking With God by John Eldredge (was incredibly helpful for me in establishing conversational intimacy with God), and the daily emails from Richard Rohr (a Franciscan priest, author, and teacher who founded the Center for Action and Contemplation in New Mexico). After reading, I listen to a spiritually focused podcast while I run the stairwell in our apartment building for about 20 minutes. Current favorites are Another Name for Everything by Richard Rohr and The RobCast by Rob Bell.

That is the cornerstone of my connection with God routine. It usually takes about 75-90 minutes. As a writer with a flexible schedule and a 50 year old empty nester, I can take that extended time in the mornings. I’ve done some version of a Listening / Talking / Learning routine regularly for 40 years, starting with 2 minutes for each section and building gradually. This included seasons where I was in school, working day jobs with set schedules, and raising young kids. It’s definitely harder during some stretches than others, but with tenacity and a little creativity, it can be done. I believe we make time for the things we truly consider important.

AFTERNOON

Throughout the day, I try to maintain an “unstructured awareness” of God’s presence through intermittent thoughts and spontaneous, silent conversation with God while I write, run errands, do chores, watch TV, whatever. A wonderful little book that taught me this concept is The Practice of the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence.

EVENING

Before bed, I stand on our balcony and talk through the day with God. Did I use it well? Accomplish what I set out to do? Learn or experience anything new? Even on hard days, I try to thank God for good things like health, relationships, a home, food, God’s presence, and meaningful work. Combined with my morning routine, these practices bookend my connection with God, providing both a positive start and a peaceful close to each day.

So there’s my personal take on how to connect with God. Take anything that may be of value to you and toss the rest. If you have questions or would like clarification or expansion on anything, please leave a comment below or email me through the “Contact” tab above. If you’re willing to leave a comment sharing how you connect with God, I’d love to read it.

Whatever road you choose, I wish you all the best on your journey toward Becoming Yourself.