Recently I woke up to this view from my apartment’s balcony:
Two hours later, it looked like this:
What caused the dramatic change? The sun. It rose above a cloud bank and burned away the fog.
It felt like a metaphor for my life. Sometimes I find myself in seasons of struggle, confusion, or disappointment where I feel surrounded by fog, unable to see the way ahead or understand what’s happening to me. No matter how hard I strain or squint, I can’t see my way through. I need an outside source, a “sun”, to burn the fog away, to help me find clarity and direction.
In those seasons, the outside source I’ve found most helpful is God. I know that’s a non-starter for some of you, or that you may have a different name for your higher power. I respect that. I’m just stating that in my experience, God has been a better “fog burning” source than anything else I’ve tried. Better than parents or friends or therapists. Better than teachers or gurus or my own gut instinct. Better than self-help books or podcasts or blog posts. Those are all wonderful things but when taken as ends in themselves, each has their limitations.
Yet when God is the lens through which I see the world, and I turn to those other sources in the context of seeking God first, they are often the very ways in which I receive the direction and guidance I need. Somehow, apart from that perspective, those things aren’t as helpful to me. If that sounds mysterious or counterintuitive, I guess I’d say… it is. But I’ve learned to be okay with embracing the mystery.
What I’m really trying to say is this – putting in the effort to seek a relationship with God and learn to hear Her direction, in whatever form, has been the best solution I’ve found to finding my way through the fog of life.
So how about you? How do you find direction? What cuts through the fog in your life? What outside source acts as your “sun”? What skill or relationship or practice can you invest in now to help you better connect with that source? Make the effort. When the next fog bank rolls in, you’ll be glad you did. And you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.
Sometimes I struggle with what to write in this blog. It’s not usually for a lack of content. The difficulty lies in choosing which content would be most helpful for my readers – people who are working to become better emotional, mental, and spiritual versions of themselves.
I faced that dilemma a few months ago (July 2019) when I decided to write a post that was outside my norm. I did it because I believed the message was an important part of our collective journey toward “becoming ourselves.” I encouraged readers to do something for others by signing the Barmen Today Declaration. I encourage you to read that post first, but here’s an excerpt from what I wrote:
“What is the Barmen Today Declaration?… in short, it’s a statement that provides a simple way for you to stand with people who are suffering and marginalized. A simple way for you to make your voice heard in a call for unity and healing. A simple way for you to say that every human matters and has inherent dignity and value regardless of class, gender, orientation, race, or religion. A simple way for you to say you stand for love vs. hate, compassion vs. apathy, and hope vs. fear. This is not a statement in favor of any particular political party or religion. This is a statement about the kind of world you want to live in and are willing to fight for.”
After posting that four months ago, I moved on and continued writing about things I hoped would be helpful to you in reaching your personal development goals. Then a few weeks ago, a surprising thing happened – one of the authors of the Barmen Today Declaration, Susan Stocker, contacted me saying she’d read my post and thanked me for it. We exchanged emails in which I invited Susan to write a guest post to share what inspired her to write the Declaration. I am honored to say that she accepted.
What follows is the first of a two-part story in her own words. Please remember that while there is a political reference, the message of this post and the Declaration is NOT about a particular political party – this transcends politics, addressing the essence of who we are all called to be as individuals as well as the kind of global community we seek to build. If you find yourself tuning out, I encourage you to read the Barmen Today Declaration before making your judgement. Whatever your political affiliation, I hope you find Susan’s words as helpful and motivating as I did on your journey toward Becoming Yourself.
Susan’s Story…
It didn’t start pretty. I know this because it started with what I refer to as “my scream.”
In the spring of 2018, I happened upon the book published the summer before by the Yale Conference on The Duty to Warn. This conference was a group of experts in mental health, law, and theology. The duty they perceived: warn the people of the United States about an imminent threat. The name of the book: The Dangerous Case of Donald Trump. I read the book. I didn’t sleep for three days. I couldn’t figure out what to do, but I knew I absolutely had to do something.
Finally, I realized I needed a team. I was a student of The Living School of The Center for Action and Contemplation in Albuquerque, New Mexico. That’s where I would find kindred spirits for whatever must be done. My scream was a plea for help on the Living School Facebook page.
Roy answered first, a lawyer and community organizer from Maryland who had worked mostly in conservation. Then Leslye, a Catholic worker from Alabama; Amari, who worked at Rutgers in New Jersey; Enrique who taught in Texas; Scott, a minister and educator from Florida and Washington State. Lastly, my friend David, who said, “If you’re starting a revolution, sign me up.”
We emailed and texted. Amari got the idea we needed a Zoom account so we could see and talk to each other. Scott, the primary author of Barmen Today, had studied the original Barmen Declaration and felt we could use it as a template for a statement of our commitment to contemplative resistance.
Our only commonality was we were each involved with The Living School. We were from all over the United States, five of us born in the United States, three of us activists, four of us educators, two legally trained, three church workers, and I’m a Marriage and Family Therapist. (All of us fit multiple categories!)
We all felt that Scott was divinely guided as he wrote the basis of Barmen Today. That, of course, didn’t stop the rest of us from wanting to weigh in, add this or that, and emphasize or diminish various points. We all agreed, though, the statements must be positive and FOR something instead of negative and AGAINST anything.
It took us four months. Finally, we sent copies to Richard Rohr, Jim Finley, and Cynthia Bourgeault, then held our breath. Would our teachers and mentors be with us on this journey? All three of the core faculty of The Living School quickly signed and endorsed Barmen Today.
We made plans to launch it at our August 2018 gathering where three of us would graduate from The Living School. Two of us had already graduated, and two were entering the program at the August convocation. Enrique put together a beautiful three-minute slide presentation he designed explaining Barmen Today. We had this running during the days of the gathering. Leslye created promotional cards for us. Roy had copies of the Declaration printed and also prepared a large display to attract the attention of the 600 attendees.
In his address to the graduates, Richard Rohr held up a promotional card, talked about how proud he was of Barmen Today, and called it “ours,” meaning belonging (at least in spirit) to The Living School. We left Albuquerque with a few hundred signatures and felt fortunate and energized. We continued working.
Alana Levandoski, a professional musician, read the Declaration and wrote a song, Divine Obedience, based on the meat and meaning of Barmen Today (find it on Youtube). Enrique and a professional translator friend of his translated Barmen Today into Spanish. David used Barmen Today at his church with great results, getting, as he says, “the elephants” out in the open. Roy has done a number of interviews explaining why Barmen Today is so necessary and timely.
We have wrestled repeatedly with what to “do” with Barmen Today. So far, we have followed David’s wisdom and simply opened our hands and offered it to the flow of Spirit to do with as Spirit will.
None of the seven of us feel any ownership of Barmen Today. We welcome and encourage all who are motivated to use the ideas and content (properly cited, of course) for education, discussion, meditation, contemplation, and prayer.
Our deepest hope is that Barmen Today stands as a testament to love and compassion, a template for healing division and hatred, a guide for promoting and protecting human dignity, and a reminder of our responsibility as stewards of creation.
We are approaching 30,000 signatures. If you, too, “want to remain faithful to both the Divine which we seek to understand and the Love which we seek to live,” please join us.
Susan Stocker is a blogger, novelist, and Marriage and Family Therapist with Masters degrees in Communication and Counseling. She served as a mental health ambassador to China in 1998 and has volunteered with the Alzheimer’s Association, American Cancer Society, and many other organizations. Her published works include Only Her Naked Courage (2013), Heart 1.5 (2013), The Many Faces of Anxiety (2013), The Many Faces of PTSD (2010), and Heart (1981), as well as her blog The Many Faces of PTSD (manyfacesofptsd.wordpress.com). She is on a lifelong journey toward Becoming Herself. You can contact her at sraustocker@yahoo.com.
It’s been a long time coming. A few hours ago, after twenty-six years as a professional musician and worship leader, I walked off the stage for the last time. Today completed a two year transition from a career in music to full-time writing as a blogger and novelist. While I’ve already written about some of the things I’ve learned as I’ve managed this change (Jan 2019, Feb 2019, May 2019), the last few days have taught me new lessons.
Going in, I knew this weekend would be emotionally challenging for me. Even though this career change was something I wanted and initiated, I had anticipated a roller coaster of emotions. An organized planner by nature, I had been tempted to look ahead and try to structure or manage my emotions, as in, “I should feel happy when I’m singing” or “I should feel sad when talking to this person for the last time.”
Fortunately, through my times of meditation and prayer leading up to my final weekend, I saw the futility of that approach. I shifted my internal posture to one of openness, exemplified by a mental image of my hands held loosely in front of me, palms up. It was a way of reminding myself to just experience my feelings organically whenever and however they came, or as my accountability partner advised me, “Just feel the feels.”
When I got off the plane in Phoenix where I was playing my last weekend, I had a surprise voicemail – my friends and long-time band mates had arranged to all be on with me for my final time. I was genuinely touched and knew it would make the experience so much sweeter.
I played in four services, two on Saturday afternoon and two Sunday morning. The time on stage during the Saturday services was enjoyable, but after each one, the tears welled up. At the end of the night, I felt like I needed some time alone to process the emotions I felt building up inside of me, so I drove my rental car across the street to an empty parking lot. Sitting alone in the dark, I willed myself to cry, to let those emotions out. Nothing happened. I had some good moments of reflection but no tears. It wasn’t time. I drove back to where I was staying at a friend’s house and crashed on the bed, exhausted. I talked things through with my wife Lisa over FaceTime, then fell asleep at 9:15 pm.
The next morning, I arrived for the final two services feeling great. I was upbeat and joked with my friends. The first service went well, and when it was time for the second, I stepped out on stage for the last time feeling good, relaxed. For the first half of the set, I was just enjoying the moment. Then I turned and looked over at my bandmates, friends I’d served, played, and done life with for ten, thirteen, and fifteen years. Our keyboardist caught my eye and gave me a knowing smile. That was the moment it really sank in – after doing this hundreds of times over the years, we would never be on stage together again.
Then the emotions started to come. I managed to hold myself together enough to finish the set. I made it through the curtains backstage and promptly lost it. My incredible friend and accountability partner Ty plays guitar in the band, and I collapsed in his arms as we wept together. I did the same with other members of the band, dear friends all. The release that I knew I needed had finally arrived. I resisted the urge to stuff my emotions down and just let them come. It was a painful, magical, bittersweet, beautiful moment that I’ll always cherish.
A short time later, I drove away with a light heart and an overwhelming feeling of relief. I felt at peace. Joyful. Free. No regrets. With what I believe was God’s help, I was able to navigate an emotionally charged weekend of significant change. As I write this, I feel a deep sense of satisfaction and “rightness.” Whatever further processing may be ahead, I know I did everything I could to fully experience this change in the moment.
Change comes to all of us, welcome or no. As you face significant transitions in your life, here are a few things to keep in mind:
1. All change can generate both positive and challenging emotions. Even desired change usually involves a measure of grief, saying goodbye to one part of your life in order to make room for something better.
2. Everyone processes change differently. While it is important to navigate change in an authentic and meaningful way, don’t feel like your process has to look like anyone else’s.
3. “Feel the feels.” Rather than focus on how you think the change should make you feel, allow yourself to experience your emotions however and whenever they come. Don’t try to stuff, delay, deny, or avoid your feelings – embrace them. As you experience the change, take time to regularly ask yourself, “How am I feeling right now?” There’s no right or wrong way to feel as you process change, only healthy or unhealthy ways of expressing those feelings. Find positive, constructive outlets for releasing your emotions – crying, shouting into a pillow, journaling, meditating, praying, dancing, celebrating, laughing, talking with trusted friend, whatever works for you. Trust your instincts.
Change is inevitable. Change is difficult. Change is liberating. Change is exciting. Learn to process change well. If you do, you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.
