Developing a Better You

Tag: Robert Fulghum

How to Find Happiness by Stretching Your Mind

The mind, once stretched by a new idea, can never return to its original dimensions.

Attributed to both Ralph Waldo Emerson and Oliver Wendell Holmes

“It was nice knowing you,” my chiropractor said, apologizing in advance for the sever pain he was about to inflict on me.

I was there seeking relief from chronic back pain following an injury. In his initial examination, my chiropractor told me that my hip flexor muscles were extremely tight and contributing to my back problem. He explained that he needed to loosen them before the adjustment and warned me that it wasn’t going to be pleasant. He was right. It hurt. A lot.

As I walked away with instructions on how to stretch my hip flexors, I was honestly surprised. I had been doing what I considered a pretty complete stretching routine every morning for years. It turned out I’d completely missed this area. It was a blind spot I never realized I had.

I worked that new stretch into my normal routine. At first it was really painful. Those muscles had been a particular length for a long time and were comfortable there, thank you very much. They let me know in no uncertain terms that they weren’t interested in becoming longer, looser, and more flexible. But with gentle, steady, consistent pressure, my hip flexors slowly began to yield. Now, six months later, that has become a relatively easy stretch for me and has been a part of a regimen that’s largely resolved my back pain.

As I did that stretch recently, I began thinking about how much my mind has been like my hip flexors. For many of my fifty years, it had a particular size, shape, and way of thinking about certain areas of life that it was comfortable with. It wasn’t really interested in stretching. But about ten years ago, I started to feel a nagging sense that this “unchallenged mind” approach I’d adopted wasn’t healthy. It was too restricting. Too narrow. I began to feel the need to stretch it, specifically in the political, spiritual, and social areas.

Let me be clear – I was not excited about this idea. I would have much preferred to stay in my comfort zone with the self-satisfied assurance that my way of thinking about all these issues was already correct. But as someone committed to personal growth and being the best version of myself, I knew I couldn’t ignore this any longer. I needed to stretch my mind.

So over the last ten years, I’ve opened myself to new ideas, perspectives, people, and experiences. I read different books. Watched different shows. Hung out with different people. Went to different places. I listened more than I talked. I processed, weighed, and considered new views. It’s been a long, sometimes painful process. But like my hip flexors, with gentle, steady, consistent pressure, my mind has gradually yielded. It’s become larger, deeper, and sharper. I’ve learned which of my political, spiritual, and social beliefs stood the test and rightly deserved to be held on to and which I needed to let go of in order to embrace new truths that I had discovered.

As a result of these efforts, my beliefs have changed significantly in all those areas over the last ten years. The specifics of which of my beliefs have altered is not the point of this particular post. I’ll write more on that in the days to come. My goal here is sharing this “mind stretching exercise” that I’ve adopted over the last decade that’s really improved my life. I find that I am happier, more at peace, less angry and judgmental, more compassionate and understanding, and quicker to recognize other blind spots that I still need to work on. The pain has been unbelievably worth the gain.

So how about you? I know this can sound like a daunting task, but a willingness to stretch your mind can lead to incredibly positive results. What areas of your mind could do with a good stretch? If you’re not sure, look for the topics or beliefs you get most defensive about or have never seriously questioned – those are usually places where you could benefit from considering another perspective. It may be religion, God, homosexuality, gender roles, gender identity, race, politics, immigration, economics, the poor, or something else. Be humble. Be open. Be respectful. Be sincere. Be brave. Look for smart people who think differently than you do and grant them an honest listen. Give your mind a gentle, steady, consistent stretch. If you do, you’ll take another giant step toward Becoming Yourself.

Resources that have been helpful to me in my “stretching”:

SPIRITUAL / SOCIAL AREAS:

1. Richard Rohr’s daily thoughts email (sign up at cac.org) – a look at spiritual and social issues from the broad and inclusive perspective of St. Francis of Assisi. Richard supplements his own thoughts with the writings of other spiritual leaders from various traditions including women and people of color. The most influential spiritual stretching I’ve had in the last few years.

  2. The Great Spiritual Migration by Brian McLaren – a powerful and thought provoking look at where Christianity has been, currently is, and where it is, or should be, heading.

3. Love Wins by Rob Bell – a though provoking look at love, God, the Bible, heaven, hell, and the ultimate fate of every human being.

4. The Liturgists Podcast, episode 20 – LGBTQ – a thoughtful, respectful conversation about homosexuality from a spiritual perspective by people with differing views.

POLITICAL / SOCIAL:

The Week magazine – weekly publication that briefly summarizes national and global news and politics from the left, right, and center. Available in print and digitally. Subscribe at theweek.com.

SPIRITUAL / SOCIAL / POLITICAL:

Words I Wish I Wrote by Robert Fulghum – a collection of quotes and sample writings on a wide variety of important life topics by writers and thinkers from various perspectives including women and people of color. One of my favorite books.

What an Encounter with Goats Taught Me About Personal Development

It wasn’t what I expected to see in a major city like Sacramento. A few weeks ago, I was riding a Jump bike to meet my son for lunch. I crossed the Tower Bridge, then pedaled down the bike path along the Sacramento River, enjoying the view of downtown directly across the water.

Goats along the Sacramento River

And then I saw the goats. Lots of goats. About two hundred goats. I stopped my bike and just stared at them in confusion. Why was there a large herd of goats literally on the edge of bustling modern city? As I watched, they wandering the sloping riverbank, contentedly munching on clumps of tall weeds. A few dogs ran about, keeping the goats in line. A man lounged nearby in a portable chair under a shade tree, his hat pulled low over his eyes. It looked like a scene from the agricultural heartlands in the 1950s, not downtown Sacramento in 2019. I was utterly confused.

Then an article I read awhile ago came back to me. It was about cities using goats for landscaping in hard to reach areas. Suddenly, it all made sense. The city had hired this man to have his goats eat the weeds growing along the steep, rocky riverbank. It was a simple, old school, environmentally friendly way to trim an area not easily reached by modern landscaping equipment.

As I rode away, I realized how often I overlook simple solutions as I try to deal with the “weeds” in my life. The weeds of fear, anxiety, relational problems, exhaustion, stress, identity issues, career uncertainties – they all crop up at one point or another and need to be dealt with. I so easily gravitate toward the latest book, program, or fad that claims to address my problems. But sometimes, all that’s needed is a return to the simple habits I’ve learned but gotten away from. Getting enough sleep. Eating well. Moderate exercise. Maintaining work / life balance. Spending time with friends. Practicing gratitude. Being productive. Having a regular time of meditation / prayer / spiritual reflection. Helping others. Resting. Enjoying a hobby.

I’m not saying that all of the problems we face in our lives can be fixed with these kinds of simple practices. There are some issues that require deeper, more complex techniques to address effectively. But I think we often make the solutions to the “weed problems” in our lives out to be more complicated than necessary. We overthink them when sometimes all that’s needed is a back-to-basics approach. A focus on the fundamentals.

So as you look at pulling the weeds in your life, take a step back. Make sure the simple things are in place first. Go through a mental checklist of basic physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual practices that most of us learned when we were kids. As author Robert Fulghum reminded us, “All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten.” You may find that using these old-school goats will take care of a lot of your weeds, and you’ll be on your way to Becoming Yourself.

My Favorite Resources for Personal Development

Personal Development: The Crossroads of Should and MustI got a phone call from my sister the other day. We had a long, wide-ranging conversation about everything from the challenges of raising teenagers to how to have a relationship with God. Several times during the call, I suggested books that had helped me in a few of the areas we were discussing. She seemed genuinely interested in hearing about them.

With that in mind, I thought I’d use this post to share some books and websites that have helped me become a better version of myself. I hope they can be an inspiration and a catalyst for growth in your own life. Here are some of my favorites in various categories:

CAREER: The Crossroads of Should and Must by Elle Luna – an easy read that uses colorful pictures and engaging graphics to communicate concepts. This book helps you find your true passions, then goes on to show how to turn them into a career by differentiating our “should do’s” from our “must do’s”.

Personal Development: Daily RitualsHABITS: Daily Rituals: How Artists Work by Mason Currey – this fascinating book is made up of short entries on the lives and daily habits of over 150 successful people from a variety of creative fields. It gave me so many useful tips on how to practically organize and live out each day for both productivity and enjoyment.

PHYSICAL: Cholesterol Clarity by Jimmy Moore – this book helped me understand the latest science on cholesterol, diet and overall heart health; kennedypm.com – a fun, engaging blog full of nutritional insight, easy recipes and beautiful photography (full disclosure – this is my daughter’s website and yes, she’s awesome 🙂 ).

Personal Development: Walking With GodSPIRITUAL: Walking With God by John Eldredge – this book helped me deepen my personal experience of God by showing how an intimate, conversational relationship with God is possible; Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis – this classic work from a master writer provides an intellectual foundation for a belief in God and a Christian worldview.

FINANCIAL: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver – this 23 minute episode on financial planning had me laughing out loud yet was the gut punch I needed to start educating myself on finances and retirement; The Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey – a clear, easy to follow method for finding freedom from financial stress by one of America’s most trusted names in financial advice; Money: Master the Game by Tony Robbins – if you read Dave Ramsey and are interested in upping your financial knowledge even higher, this book is a more in depth look at investing for your future. It’s packed with interviews with the most successful investors in the world and delivered with Tony’s well known motivational style.

Personal Development: John OliverMENTAL: lumosity.com – a free website where you play fun, short games designed to exercise your brain, a key to warding off the mental decline that comes with advancing age; Words I Wish I Wrote by Robert Fulghum – a collection of moving, motivating, and thought provoking excerpts from many of the top writers in history that inspired Fulghum’s own classic “Everything I Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten”. Organized by category for easy reference, this is a gem I’ve turned to again and again to shape my thinking about life and my place in it.

Personal Development: Words I Wish I WroteSERVING: volunteermatch.org – a great website that allows you to search for volunteer opportunities in your area based on your skills and interests. I’ve used it to volunteer with a wide variety of wonderful organizations.

GIVING: charitynavigator.org – this website provides a way to give to the needs of the world with confidence by ranking charitable organizations on their financial trustworthiness and effectiveness.

I’m SO grateful for the guidance and insight these writers and resources have given me. Choose one that looks interesting to you and dive in! If you do, you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

Have any favorite resources of your own that you’d like to share? I’d love to hear about them! List them in the comments below.

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