Developing a Better You

Tag: suffering

The 4 D’s: A Sustainable Response to Suffering

Spoiler alert—the needs of the world are endless.

Poverty. Disease. Human trafficking. Food shortage. Climate change. Homelessness. Income inequality. Racism. Cancer. War. Political division. The list goes on.

For anyone who cares about the well-being of others, this deluge of suffering can be overwhelming. It certainly is for me at times. The problems of the world seem like a vast mountain peak, and in its looming shadow, I feel incredibly small.

In the past, I’ve fallen into three responses to the world’s pain:

1. DENY – I look away. Pretend the problems aren’t there. Focus on my own needs and desires. Cling to my distractions. Operate out of selfishness.

2. DESPAIR – Help a little here. Give a little there. Half-heartedly attempt a few good deeds without any plan or purpose because deep down it all feels hopeless. Operate out of guilt.

3. DESTROY – Become consumed with serving others. Act like it all depends on me. Drive myself to exhaustion. Operate out of duty.

None of these responses proved healthy or effective long term. But is there a better way? I think some keys can be found in this quote by the late Henri Nouwen, a highly regarded author, lecturer, and Harvard professor who left his enviable position to work with mentally challenged adults:

The more I think about the human suffering in our world and my desire to offer a healing response, the more I realize how crucial it is not to allow myself to become paralyzed by feelings of impotence and guilt. More important than ever is to be very faithful to my vocation to do well the few things I am called to do and hold on to the joy and peace they bring me.

henri nouwen

The healthy response to suffering that Henri describes is:

4. DEVOTION – Acknowledge the world’s pain without being consumed by it. Find one or two areas of suffering that resonate with your heart. Use your gifts to address them well. Let other areas go. Embrace the joy and peace you find along the way. Operate out of love.

We cannot do everything, and there is a sense of liberation in realizing that. This enables us to do something, and to do it very well.

Kenneth Untener in honor of Bishop Oscar Romero

Finding and maintaining a healthy response to suffering isn’t easy, but it is possible. Find where your passions meet the world’s needs. Use your gifts to meet them in sustainable ways. Rest. Let go. Trust that others will shoulder the burdens you were never meant to carry. Be joyful. Remember that you are loved. Love yourself. Operate out of that love. If you do, you’ll do your small part to ease the sufferings of the world, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

Text excerpts taken from “You are the Beloved” by Henri J.M. Nouwen, © 2017 by The Henri Nouwen Legacy Trust. Published by Convergent Books. As shown in the Dec 21, 2022 daily meditation from The Henri Nouwen Society.

Prayer written by Kenneth Untener (bishop of Saginaw, Michigan, 1980–2004) in 1979 to honor Bishop Romero. See Scott Wright, Oscar Romero and the Communion of Saints: A Biography (Maryknoll, NY: Orbis Books, 2009), 153–154.

This post was originally published Jan 7, 2023.

A Counterintuitive Path to Happiness—Embrace Suffering

I’ve always been fearful.

Along with my childhood fear of our creepy basement and my perfectly rational fear of sharks, a constant nemesis has been my fear of suffering. I hate it. I usually try to avoid it as much as possible and end it as quickly as I can.

But what if suffering is not only unavoidable but necessary for my happiness? 

The tendency to run away from suffering is there in every one of us. We think that by seeking pleasure we’ll avoid suffering. But this doesn’t work. It stunts our growth and our happiness. Happiness isn’t possible without understanding, compassion, and love. And love is not possible if we don’t understand our suffering and the other person’s suffering.

Getting in touch with suffering will help us cultivate compassion and love. Without understanding and love we can’t be happy, and we can’t make other people happy. We all have the seeds of compassion, forgiveness, joy, and nonfear in us. If we’re constantly trying to avoid suffering, there is no way for these seeds to grow.

Thich Nhat Hanh, Your True Home: The Everyday Wisdom of Thich Nhat Hanh

I was raised in the Christian tradition. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to include wisdom from other faiths into my beliefs, along with insight from non-faith-based worldviews. It has expanded, strengthened, and clarified my perspective, while showing me that many traditions say similar things in different ways. 

The above quote by master Buddhist teacher Thich Nhat Hanh is one of those insights shared across wisdom traditions—a life dedicated to the avoidance of personal suffering will not lead to happiness. Happiness is a by-product of a life well lived, including meaningful work and helping to alleviate the suffering of others.

This doesn’t mean we should seek suffering. Suffering has a way of finding us without our help. Ending our unnecessary or self-induced suffering is a worthy endeavor. But a life committed to avoiding suffering is doomed to produce anxiety not peace, fear not contentment, emptiness not meaning, sadness not hope. Consider our relationships, physical health, and careers—if we avoid hard conversations, uncomfortable workouts, and studying or practicing for our profession, the results will be disastrous and not produce the happiness we’re looking for.

So find your passion. Help others. Live with purpose. Face the suffering that your intentional living brings. You’ll experience greater peace, contentment, and joy, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself. 

Text excerpt from Your True Home: The Everyday Wisdom of Thich Nhat Hanh by Thich Nhat Hanh, p 81, compiled and edited by Melvin McLeod, Shambhala Publications 2011

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