Becoming Yourself

Developing a Better You

Tag: Susan Stocker (Page 1 of 3)

The Best Birthday Gift You Can Give Yourself

February 4, 2023 / / 0 Comments

I like to read things by people smarter than me. My friend Susan Rau Stocker is one of those people. A gifted therapist, author, and blogger, she has a way of communicating her hard-won wisdom with warmth, grace, and humor. This week, I’m sharing a recent post from her excellent blog (I highly recommend subscribing here). I hope it helps you take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

I’m 77 today. My birthday hasn’t landed on a blog day before — at least not that I remember. I am 77 and my memory, which was never wonderful, is getting downright iffy. Which I think is probably a blessing. (I have a theory that one of the reasons some elderly folks are so serene and pleasant is because they’ve forgotten all the bad stuff and can’t remember their grudges.)

Actually, I think almost everything is a blessing. The view from 77 is fairly high on a hill. I turn and look back; things which, while they were happening, seemed divergent, seem from here to be connected and sensible. Detours were actually necessary. Some abrupt endings kept me from falling over a cliff or two. Funny how things look in the rear view mirror — and they’re even more clear when one has the opportunity to sit down on a warm rock on the top of a long, winding road and look around.

A birthday is our own personal re-boot, re-start, reconfigure, restructure New Year’s Eve. What shall we do differently this year? What can I leave by the side of the road? What can I give away? What do I want more of in my life? What has propelled me this far? What will keep me going? What am I willing to invest in? What no longer serves me, or the planet, or my family, or my friends?

How can I forgive myself for the mistakes I’ve made? The unforgiveness, either of myself or others, is harmful to my health and well-being. Holding a grudge against myself is as toxic as holding one against someone else. If I realize they were mistakes and am determined never to do such things again, isn’t that the best I can hope — learn from my mistakes? Whether others learn from their mistakes is none of my business. I’ve got my hands full keeping, as they say in AA, “my own side of the street clean.”

They brought me home from the hospital in a blizzard. My dad had to stop (on a hill, my mom told me) and put chains around the tires. I was little — 5lbs. — they must have worried about getting me home to a warm house. On my sixteenth birthday my mother made lobster tails for us for supper — the first ever lobster she prepared. On my 49th birthday my husband bought me a Firebird convertible. Not too many years later, he decided to divorce me, and, in the process, he sold my birthday present. Memories from birthdays are encapsulations of the good, the bad, and the ugly from our lifelong learning. 

In the last twenty years I’ve begun celebrating my birthday by spending it alone, remembering, often writing, enjoying the solitude of self-care, maybe reading. This year the five family members nearby are coming to my house for supper. I dearly love people coming to my home, I dearly love to cook, and I dearly love my family. They asked me what I wanted. When I told them, they listened.

It’s going to be cold and sunny today — perfect. A snow flake would be divine, but I think is unlikely. I do believe there’s some lettuce in the garden I can bring in for supper. My head is full of memories, and my heart is flooded with gratitude. Two friends each died when we were all around fifty. I have had these twenty-seven extra years. It’s inexplicable. Unbelievable but true. All I can do is whisper, “Thank you.”

When your birthday rolls around, get out the good china. This is our “Once-A-Year-Day.” 

Love, Susan

Susan Rau Stocker is a blogger, novelist, and Marriage and Family Therapist with Masters degrees in Communication and Counseling. She served as a mental health ambassador to China in 1998 and has volunteered with the Alzheimer’s Association, American Cancer Society, and many other organizations. Her published works include Only Her Naked Courage (2013), Heart 1.5 (2013), The Many Faces of Anxiety (2013), The Many Faces of PTSD (2010), and Heart (1981), as well as her blog The Many Faces of PTSD (manyfacesofptsd.wordpress.com). She is on a lifelong journey toward Becoming Herself. You can contact her at sraustocker@yahoo.com.

How to Face Holiday Loneliness

December 24, 2022 / / 0 Comments

When I read the following post from my good friend and fellow blogger Susan Stocker, I immediately decided to share it. In her candidly honest yet warmly hopeful style, she addresses the reality of feeling alone in a season characterized by togetherness (check out her wonderful blog here). I hope you find it helpful during the holidays as you take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

No matter which holiday we celebrate, the message is the same: gather with family and friends. “It’s all about being together!”

That is a real challenge for many of us.

Obviously, some of us are single. Actually, we are not the worst off. Being physically alone is a walk in the park compared to being emotionally estranged from those in the same room or the same bed.

Being physically or emotionally alone for the holidays is a test of creativity, courage, common sense, and, definitely, faith.

What most single, alienated people use to get through the holidays is distraction. Chinese take-out and a movie marathon? Volunteering? A bout of over-indulging the night before so the actual holiday is nothing but ginger ale and Saltines? Distraction works to pass the time, but not to celebrate the holiday.

We can also distract ourselves by thinking of those suffering with fresh grief, fighting for their lives in the hospital, or serving the country overseas. That’s an honorable thing to contemplate — others have it much worse. But negating our own feelings of solitary separation is not fair to ourselves.

We may be alone for the holiday — whether physically or emotionally. What are we going to do to be true to ourselves and true to whatever we’re celebrating?

It seems to me we need to sit with the facts. The romanticizing of “holidays” is not a fact, it’s an ad campaign. How much money would the holidays generate if each of us celebrated the actual meaning of the holiday in our hearts instead of in over-decorated, over-populated, over-fed, over-gifted, overwhelming festivities?

Facing the holidays alone is an opportunity. Stripped of all the tinsel and wrapping paper, we’re faced with ourselves and our faith. If our faith is inadequate to time spent alone, we may want to attend to that. Ultimately, we will find ourselves alone in some dark night of the soul. Hopefully, when we do, we will sit it out and stick it out and sweat it out until finally we realize we are not alone and could never be alone.

Praying for each of you a faith big enough to hold you. Love, Susan

This post was originally published Dec 18, 2021. Susan Stocker is a blogger, novelist, and Marriage and Family Therapist with Masters degrees in Communication and Counseling. She served as a mental health ambassador to China in 1998 and has volunteered with the Alzheimer’s Association, American Cancer Society, and many other organizations. Her published works include Only Her Naked Courage (2013), Heart 1.5 (2013), The Many Faces of Anxiety (2013), The Many Faces of PTSD (2010), and Heart (1981), as well as her blog The Many Faces of PTSD (manyfacesofptsd.wordpress.com). She is on a lifelong journey toward Becoming Herself. You can contact her at sraustocker@yahoo.com.

How to Blow Away the Blues

October 22, 2022 / / 0 Comments

My friend Susan Stocker is a licensed clinical therapist with decades of experience. She’s also a great writer. One of her recent blog posts was so insightful that I decided to share it (you can follow her excellent blog here). I bolded some lines that spoke to me. I hope you find it as helpful as I did on your journey toward Becoming Yourself. (This post was originally published in July 2021).

Are you feeling like this tree? You know the feelings: exhaustion, crankiness, dissatisfaction, criticism of self and others, self-pity, envy of others, unhappiness, racing thoughts, sadness, grief, anger — the list goes on and on. We’re trooping along doing pretty well, and then we slide down the slippery slope. We don’t feel like ourselves. We don’t want to be around anyone else. Yet, we’re lonely.

How do we pull ourselves back up that hill and get back on level ground?

The good news is: we’re the only one who can change the way we feel.

The bad news is: we’re the only one who can change the way we feel.

My friend, Marsha, heads for the sofa and a nap, snuggling with her dog. My sister-in-law puts on her shoes and goes for a walk. Some people call a friend and have a bitch session. Some people head for the tub and a long, leisurely soak. I know one woman who bakes something when she gets the blues. Many people put on music and sing or dance or just let the music smooth away the rough places. People pray, meditate, or write letters to someone they know is feeling even worse than they are.

Feeling down is a natural part of the rhythm of life. Some days we feel inexplicably good — positive, energized, competent and happy. Other days we feel inexplicably bad — negative, lethargic, incompetent and unhappy. Who knows why or how or when. That all seems as unpredictable as the weather and as out of our control as the stock market.

THE PHYSICAL

One of the things we were taught in counseling classes is to always eliminate the physical possibilities first. Are we getting sick, are we dehydrated, did we forget our medicine or our vitamins, have we eaten enough protein or carbs or veggies or fruit? Have we been pushing too hard physically, or perhaps we haven’t been moving enough? Do we need a walk in the woods, or a bike ride with the wind in our face, or a serious workout in the gym? Or some gentle yoga?

THE INTELLECTUAL

Secondly, let’s check out the intellectual aspects. Is our brain fried? Have we been working too hard, struggling to meet deadlines and trying to prove our worth? Or perhaps the opposite is true? Maybe we’re bored and need some intellectual stimulation. Is it time to get back to the Sudoku or the crosswords or to find a stimulating book? Have we been feasting on mindless television or video games? Not properly feeding our minds is as detrimental as not properly feeding our bodies.

THE EMOTIONAL

Third, what’s happening emotionally? Do we need a deep talk with a friend or lover? Is a relationship on auto-pilot? Maybe we need to get into therapy and have what some of my clients call “a check-up.” Are we feeling our feelings or numbing out? Are we engaged in meaningful relationships with at least one or two people or are we floating aimlessly? Are we in an uneven relationship where we’re either giving or getting more than the other person? Sometimes simply talking to someone we love about our relationship is incredibly healing and surprisingly easy: “Are you feeling my care for you? It matters to me and I want you to thrive in our relationship.”

THE SPIRITUAL

Fourth, we need to take our spiritual temperature. Are we seeing that moon at which we look? Are we hearing the birds? Do we feel soulfully alive and connected to the universe and the powers that bring us our every breath? Everyone’s spiritual life is different, but each of us has a spiritual life which needs tending and attention. One of the quickest ways I know to feel in harmony with our own soul is to merely take a moment and say, “Thank you.” I don’t know about you, but I can’t make myself keep breathing. I wasn’t creative enough to design a cat who can purr or a dog who is unerringly loyal. I can’t keep the stars in the sky or the ocean replenishing herself. Thank you seems the least we can say.

Peace and love, my friends. Susan

Susan Stocker is a blogger, novelist, and Marriage and Family Therapist with Masters degrees in Communication and Counseling. She served as a mental health ambassador to China in 1998 and has volunteered with the Alzheimer’s Association, American Cancer Society, and many other organizations. Her published works include Only Her Naked Courage (2013), Heart 1.5 (2013), The Many Faces of Anxiety (2013), The Many Faces of PTSD (2010), and Heart (1981), as well as her blog The Many Faces of PTSD (manyfacesofptsd.wordpress.com). She is on a lifelong journey toward Becoming Herself. You can contact her at sraustocker@yahoo.com.

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