Developing a Better You

Tag: true self (Page 10 of 26)

How to Have Healthy Relationships (part 3): Yourself

Let’s start with an exercise – open your phone camera and flip the image so you can see yourself. Got it? Now ask yourself these questions: How is my relationship with the person I’m looking at? How well do I get along with myself? How do I feel about me?

Dating friends recently asked me about the keys to a healthy, long-term relationship. Since then, I’ve been reflecting on what I’ve learned in twenty-seven years of marriage to my wife Lisa. Beyond that, what have I learned in forty-nine years of deep connections with family and friends? To help clarify my thinking, I’ve been doing a series of blog posts here at Becoming Yourself. The first key I talked about was intentionality (read that post here), and the second was about expectations (read that post here).

The phone exercise was an introduction to this week’s key:

To have healthy relationships with OTHERS, you need a healthy relationship with YOURSELF

We know this intuitively, right? Most of us have been in or observed enough relationships to know that without positive self-worth and a clear sense of identity from both people, relationships tend to go badly. Without these anchors, an unhealthy codependancy and “clingyness” sets in. When we aren’t comfortable in our own skin, we always want a friend or our partner around because we don’t like being alone or we expect a relationship to solve our problems. While someone else can help you, bring out the best in you, and make life more fulfilling, they can’t fix you. Only you, and I would add God, can do that.

Some of this is personality driven. I’m an introvert, and I love to be alone with my own thoughts. Extroverts naturally enjoy being around other people much of the time. But regardless of your personality type, I think there’s a core issue of relationship to self that we all need to face. If we’re not okay with the person in the mirror, we’re going to have a really hard time being in healthy, long-term relationships. Why? Because the best thing you can bring to a relationship is a healthy you.

So how do you have a healthy relationship with yourself? I could recommend positive self-talk, concentrating on what you’re good at and the nice things people say about you, helping others and doing good in the world, etc.. Those are all wonderful things that will help you feel better about yourself, but I don’t think they address the core issue. When it comes to a positive relationship with yourself, I believe the most important thing is this:

IDENTITY

Who do you really think you are? If in your heart you believe you’re bad, spoiled, broken, a mistake, unworthy, stupid, or unlovable, then no amount of pep talking in the mirror is going to change that. But if deep down, you believe you’re wonderful, worthwhile, beautiful, wanted, cherished, prized, and loved, that’s going to radically impact your sense of self.

So how do you have the later view instead of the former? My best advice is to anchor your identity in something bigger than yourself that won’t move or shift or fail. For me, that’s God. I believe I was created to be in relationship with Her/Him (God is beyond gender binaries). That God desires to know me. That I’m more than a cosmic accident of time + matter + energy + chance. I build my sense of identity on a foundation that says no matter what I do or what happens in this life, I’m God’s child and always will be. That makes me feel really good about who I am, which enables me to give myself fully to others.

I know that for some of you, the God thing is a non-starter. I get it. We’ve all had different experiences and have different views on God and spirituality. That said, I think we all have the same core questions and issues to face, and one of the biggest is “Who am I?” You don’t have to base your identity on God, but you do have to base it on something. Make sure whatever you choose is big enough, strong enough, and unshakable enough to survive the storms of life. Careers, money, abilities, goals, activities, and other people are all great, but they’re also impermanent. Who will you be when they’re gone? How you choose to answer the question of identity will have a major impact on your relationship with yourself and in turn, your ability to have healthy, long-term relationships with others (for more on finding your identity, see my post here).

So how are you getting along with that person in the mirror? What do you ultimately believe about yourself? What will you choose as the foundation of your identity? Answer those questions well, and you’ll hold another key to deep, lasting relationships. And you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

This post was originally published February 23, 2019.

Vive la Différence: Supercharge Your Personal Growth by Widening Your Circle of Friends

It started with my wife Lisa and I heading out for a walk. In the lobby of our apartment building, we noticed a woman we’d never met before and introduced ourselves. Her name was Helen. We began chatting and found her delightful. She had moved into the building by herself a few months earlier and didn’t know many people. We exchanged contact info, and Lisa encouraged Helen to reach out to us anytime.

Later that evening, I got an email from Helen inviting us to lunch. We happily accepted, and a few days later we enjoyed a meal together in a local restaurant. Over the course of several hours, we had a fascinating, wide-ranging discussion about careers, life experiences, religion, politics, children, food, and travel.

We learned that Helen is an amazing person with a powerful life story. She was born into a Jewish family in Poland the day before Hitler invaded and spent her early years in a Siberian labor camp. She endured incredible hardships in various countries before immigrating to the United States as a teenager. Helen speaks several languages, has a dry sense of humor, converses articulately on a wide range of subjects, and, at age seventy-nine, is probably in better shape than I am.

As I reflected back on our interaction with Helen, I realized it was much more than just an engaging lunch. As a person committed to becoming the best version of myself, spending time with people who have different backgrounds and perspectives than my own is vital. While having friends who are of a similar age and season of life is wonderful and important, I’m sharpened and stretched in different ways when I expand my circle of relationships to include people who are not just like me.

We are put on this planet only once and to limit ourselves to the familiar is a crime against our minds.

Roger Ebert

Helen and I are very different people. We have differences in upbringing, culture, language, gender, generation, spiritual perspective, and life experiences. But through spending time with her, I found that my thinking about life, myself, and the world around me was enriched, broadened, and wonderfully challenged. And along the way, we found common ground in our love of music, Japanese cuisine, politics, long walks, and our search for meaning and purpose in life. I’m a better person for being able to call Helen my friend.

So how about you? Do you have people in your life who see things differently? Do you seek them out? Are you exposing yourself to new ideas and perspectives? If you only surround yourself with people who look, think, and act like you, your growth will be significantly limited.

When you are around people whose stories aren’t similar to yours, do you merely tolerate their varied perspectives or do you genuinely try to understand them? Are you open to seeing what you can learn? Being strong in your views is not a bad thing, but it can unintentionally lead to arrogant, dismissive, or demeaning attitudes and behavior. It’s a trap I’ve fallen into before, one that I regularly have to remind myself to avoid. I don’t think I’m alone in that struggle.

So if you’re committed to personal growth, if you want to become a better version of yourself, I challenge you to seek out people with different perspectives. Invite them for lunch or coffee. Ask open ended questions and then truly listen. See what you can learn. Be open to having your opinions changed. Share your own thoughts with humility and respect. If you do, you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

This post was originally published Jan 19, 2019.

How to Connect With God: My Daily Practice

In last week’s post How to Find Direction in Life’s Fog, I wrote that, during confusing times in my life, God was my best source of “fog burning sun.” In response, a regular reader asked if I would share some of my process for how I connect with God.

Honestly, I was hesitant. While I often write about how my spiritual perspective helps me become a better version of myself, I know that some of you come from different faiths or no faith at all. I respect that, and don’t want to come across as “preachy” or forceful of my worldview. My goal is simply to share things I’ve learned on my personal development journey that may help you walk your own path, whatever path that may be.

Then I remembered something – many of the best things I’ve learned from others did not come from their insights on a particular topic, but from their sharing the ways they practice personal development in their own lives. Even if they come from a very different perspective, I almost always glean a helpful idea or tool.

So with that in mind, I decided to share a brief overview of how I approach the “how to connect with God” question. If this isn’t for you, feel free to stop reading now and check out the another post on the site or wait for next week’s installment. Still interested? Read on.

How to Connect With God

To give some context for my practices, here are some of my fundamental beliefs:

  • A loving, powerful, intelligent, eternal Higher Power exists and is the creative force behind the universe (I use the term God, but this power goes by many names).
  • God wants to be known but will not force Herself/Himself on us (God is beyond gender binaries).
  • A life-giving, intimate, conversational relationship with God is possible.

Why I believe those particular things is not the purpose of this post. That said, here is my daily process of connecting with God:

MORNING

I start the day with a five-minute stretching routine while I steep a cup of hot Tetley brand English black tea in my Harry Potter tumbler. I sit in a comfortable chair in the library corner of our apartment and begin a practice with three loosely structured parts:

Listening

For 10-15 minutes, I center myself in silence. Sometimes I close my eyes, sometimes I leave them open, depending on what feels right or how sleepy I am. Some days I let my thoughts wander. Other times, I use various meditation techniques like centering prayer, or focusing on my breathing, a word (God, love, peace, etc.) or an image (a lonely beach, a mountain meadow, a fireplace, etc.). The particular technique isn’t important. The goal here is to quiet my mind and heart to a listening posture where I’m receptive to anything God might bring to my mind.

Talking

After listening, I begin talking with God. I start with thanking God for who She/He is to me and for things I’m grateful for. Then I think about people and situations I care about and ask God to provide them with the help they need. Finally, I consider my own needs and desires and express those to God, asking for strength and guidance to live well. This usually takes about 30 minutes.

how to connect with God
My chair in our corner library

Learning

After talking with God, I read some type of spiritual writing for 10-15 minutes. I’ve read and studied the Bible for many years, but lately have been drawn to other writings such as The Diary of an Old Soul by George MacDonald (spiritual poetry about pursuing God), Walking With God by John Eldredge (was incredibly helpful for me in establishing conversational intimacy with God), and the daily emails from Richard Rohr (a Franciscan priest, author, and teacher who founded the Center for Action and Contemplation in New Mexico). After reading, I listen to a spiritually focused podcast while I run the stairwell in our apartment building for about 20 minutes. Current favorites are Another Name for Everything by Richard Rohr and The RobCast by Rob Bell.

That is the cornerstone of my connection with God routine. It usually takes about 75-90 minutes. As a writer with a flexible schedule and a 50 year old empty nester, I can take that extended time in the mornings. I’ve done some version of a Listening / Talking / Learning routine regularly for 40 years, starting with 2 minutes for each section and building gradually. This included seasons where I was in school, working day jobs with set schedules, and raising young kids. It’s definitely harder during some stretches than others, but with tenacity and a little creativity, it can be done. I believe we make time for the things we truly consider important.

AFTERNOON

Throughout the day, I try to maintain an “unstructured awareness” of God’s presence through intermittent thoughts and spontaneous, silent conversation with God while I write, run errands, do chores, watch TV, whatever. A wonderful little book that taught me this concept is The Practice of the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence.

EVENING

Before bed, I stand on our balcony and talk through the day with God. Did I use it well? Accomplish what I set out to do? Learn or experience anything new? Even on hard days, I try to thank God for good things like health, relationships, a home, food, God’s presence, and meaningful work. Combined with my morning routine, these practices bookend my connection with God, providing both a positive start and a peaceful close to each day.

So there’s my personal take on how to connect with God. Take anything that may be of value to you and toss the rest. If you have questions or would like clarification or expansion on anything, please leave a comment below or email me through the “Contact” tab above. If you’re willing to leave a comment sharing how you connect with God, I’d love to read it.

Whatever road you choose, I wish you all the best on your journey toward Becoming Yourself.

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