Developing a Better You

Tag: true self (Page 2 of 26)

Embrace Your Elephant: Find Peace with a Pachyderm

Sometimes a piece of art just hits me. While looking for pictures to decorate our apartment, I came across one that made me smile. It was whimsical and playful, yet also thought provoking. Here it is:

Elephant and Dog Meditate at Summer Night by Mike Kiev
(purchase here)

There’s just something about this painting of a dog and an elephant sitting together, gazing over moonlit waters on a summer night, that I absolutely love. I’m a fan of quirky things, nature, and the color blue, so on those levels, this art piece has a lot of appeal to me.

But I also love contemplation. Just sitting and thinking. I have an evening ritual where I sit on our balcony, look at the night sky above a nearby park, and reflect. I meditate on simple things, like what I did that day, and bigger things, like who I am, why I’m here, and what life is all about.

One of the reasons those times are meaningful is that I feel like the dog in the painting. That I’m not alone in my nighttime routine. I sense an invisible Elephant sitting beside me, staring out into the starlit sky. I feel it’s presence surrounding me, comforting me, whispering to me, guiding me. Something bigger, stronger, and wiser, keeping me company and joining me in quiet reflection.

I call my elephant God. You may call it Mother Nature, a cosmic force, or your higher power. You may call it nothing at all and believe that the universe is a purely physical, naturalistic system. My goal is not to argue in favor of a specific definition of a spiritual component to the universe, but I would like to propose this:

HAVING AN ELEPHANT MAKES LIFE BETTER

Why do I say that? Because I’ve discovered over the course of my life that having Someone bigger, higher, stronger, and wiser than me helps. A lot. It gives me peace. Security. Comfort. Guidance. Companionship. Belonging. Meaning. Love. Joy. Of course, an Elephant is not the only place to find these things, but it is the deepest, truest, and most lasting source of them that I’ve ever found.

I’ve learned that when life is all up to me, I’m not enough. Not to become who I want to be anyway. I need help for that. I’m in no way saying that I think I’m bad or unworthy. Far from it. I believe in and love myself deeply. I have huge respect for the power of the human spirit and what I can accomplish when I set my will to it.

That said, I find the thought that I’m my own highest power is more than a little depressing. I know me. If I’m IT, then I’m in trouble. As wonderful as I am, I know I have weaknesses, flaws, and limitations that will prevent me from being the person I really want to be. From living the life I truly want to live. I need help.

That’s where my Elephant comes in. A Helper. A Guide. A Friend. A Comforter. A Provider. A Protector. A whisper in my spirit that assures me I’m not alone, and that in all the craziness of life, someone much bigger than me has their hands on the wheel. That gives me a lot of comfort and hope.

You may feel that makes me weak. That I’m unwilling to face the cold, cruel reality that we are nothing but a cosmic accident, alone in a mindless, uncaring universe. Perhaps you’re right. Maybe there is nothing more. No-one, certainly not me, can prove the existence of God, a higher power, or whatever a person may call their Elephant. But no-one can disprove the Elephant either. I believe in God because of deeply personal experiences I’ve had and rational arguments I find compelling. Enumerating those is beyond the scope of this post, but if I’m using my belief in an Elephant to achieve a more meaningful, joyful life, then I’m in good company with people a lot smarter than I am. That’s a choice I’m happy to make.

So what about you? Do you have an Elephant? Someone or Something bigger than yourself that you believe in? A higher power that allows you to face life with a hope, peace, and security that can prove elusive when you choose to go it alone?

If you’re intrigued, gaze up at the night sky. Open your mind and heart to God, the Cosmos, Mother Nature, whatever you want to call it. Breathe a prayer. A request for awareness. For ears to hear, eyes to see, a heart to feel. Taste and see. You just may sense an Elephant at your side. If you do, you’ll take a giant leap toward Becoming Yourself.

This post was originally published March 16, 2019.

Feeling at Your Limit? 5 Questions to Determine When to Step Back or Step Up

A recent hectic season reminded me of a story a story I originally posted Sept 29, 2018:

I was making the bed when it happened. As I reached over to adjust the sheets, a stabbing pain seized my lower back. The pain literally dropped me to my knees. My wife helped me to my feet, and I sat on the edge of the bed bewildered by this unexpected event. Then I remembered that, in prepping for our upcoming move to California, I had spent long hours over the last three days sitting on the floor sorting through a decade’s worth of papers and memorabilia. My back was reminding me that I’m forty-nine, not twenty-nine. I had reached a physical limit.

As I sat in a chair with a heat wrap on my back, I found myself thinking about my limitations – physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. My back going out is an obvious example of a physical limitation and a hard one to ignore. But other limits aren’t so clear. I recently have been talking with someone close to me who has an extraordinary emotional capacity, but, in the face of ongoing difficult circumstances, has finally had to admit that he’s reached his emotional limits.

Seeing someone I respect so much reach that point reminded me that one sign of wisdom and maturity is having the willingness to say, “I can’t. I’ve reached my limit.” Far from being a sign of weakness, this shows the self-awareness and humility necessary for personal growth.

Let me pause here to acknowledge that saying, “I can’t,” can be a cop out. It can be abused, rationalized, and used as an excuse to avoid doing things that are hard, beneficial, and necessary. Claiming to have reached our limits can be a crutch for not facing our own fears and insecurities. No-one ever succeeded in doing anything great without repeatedly pushing themselves past what felt like their limits. Think of earning a PhD, running a marathon, or facing a past trauma. All of these achievements are good and healthy yet require going beyond what the participant formerly thought was mentally, physically, or emotionally possible. 

So how do you know the difference? When is saying, “Enough,” wisdom and when is it a cop out? How do you know when to step back and when to step up? There’s no perfect way to answer this question. It’s unique to every person and to each circumstance. That said, here are some questions to ask yourself that, if you answer with complete honesty, can help:

1.  Is the pain I’m experiencing out of my control or a product of my own choices? Let’s say you were comfortable financially in a job you enjoyed but decided to take a stressful promotion with long hours. Now your family relationships and your health are suffering. You’re exhausted and feel at your limits. What’s the cause? Your choices. You may need to step back and make different decisions. That might mean talking to your boss or even finding a new job. Now imagine that three months ago you were diagnosed with cancer. You’re dealing with the side effects of chemo, lost income from missed work, and an uncertain future. In this scenario, you also feel like you’re at your limits, but the cause is completely outside of your control. There’s really no way out but through. You probably need to step up.

2.  Is pushing myself helping me reach a worthy goal or just causing pain without benefit? If your goal is to make your country’s Olympic Team, pushing yourself past your previous physical limits makes sense. In that case, step up. But if you’re pushing yourself physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually in a way that negatively impacts other areas of your life with no clear goal in mind, you should stop and analyze what’s driving you. Is it pride? An attempt to impress others or measure up to someone else’s ideals for you? Are you running from a problem in your life that you don’t want to deal with? If you do have a worthy goal, is it worth what it’s costing you? Depending on your answer to these questions, you may need to step back.

3.  Are people close to me affirming my behavior or expressing concern? When we’re in stressful situations that cause us to question our limits, it’s often very difficult to see ourselves clearly. We need people around us who have our best interests in mind to give us objective feedback. I was recently sharing a difficult decision that I was facing with my long time accountability partner. He used an analogy of football coaches that really helped me. He explained how the role of the coaches on the field differs from that of the coaches sitting high up in the stadium box. The coaches on the field have the benefit of being close to the action, but their view is limited. The ones in the box are further away from the contest but can see the entire field. Combining the two perspectives yields better decision making. Your perspective from being in the heat of battle is helpful and valid but limited. Listening to other respected perspectives can help you see your situation more clearly. If people in your circle of trust are giving you the green light, you may need to step up and push through your situation. If the ones who love you enough to speak hard truths are expressing concern, you may be wise to step back.

4.  In quiet moments, do I feel at peace and satisfied or overwhelmed and depressed? To start, make sure you actually have quiet moments. When we’re at our limits, we often don’t make time for reflection, either because we’re driving ourselves too hard or because we’re afraid of the truths we’ll have to face if do. When you are in those silent times, take an honest assessment of your emotional status. If you’re tired but have a real sense of peace and accomplishment, then it’s probably healthy to step up and keep going. If you’re exhausted, overwhelmed and depressed, it’s probably time to step back and make some changes.

5. If the circumstances driving me are out of my control, are there resources I can turn to for help? This can be really hard for some of us. We like to think of ourselves as self-sufficient. We hate to appear weak or needy. But guess what? We’re all weak and needy sometimes. That’s part of being human. Being willing to admit that you need help is a sign of strength and courage. Reach out to a friend, family member, coworker, God, pastor, and/or counselor for help. If you’re hesitant, remember that your vulnerability can free those around you to admit their own struggles. Think of how good you feel when you give meaningful help to a friend. Are you going to be selfish and deny them that same feeling? Whenever I turn down my accountability partner’s offer of help, he effectively reminds me of this truth by saying, “Don’t steal my blessing!”

So the next time you’re feeling at your limits, take some time to ask yourself these questions. Answer them honestly. Be courageously vulnerable. Accept help. Give yourself grace. Take action. If you do, you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

The Lord said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.”

The Bible, 2nd Corinthians 12:9 (New Living Version)

How to Find Peace with Your Past: Release and Reclaim

Now that both my parents and I are fully vaccinated, I’m heading to see them for the first time in almost a year and a half. My upcoming trip reminded me of a piece I originally posted in January of 2020, before the pandemic really took hold. The lessons I learned then have new things to teach me as we begin to move toward this post-coronavirus season. I hope they help you on your way to Becoming Yourself.

I traveled back to my Michigan hometown over the holidays to visit family. Slept in my childhood bedroom at my parents house. Watched the sun set behind the woods where I used to play. Drove past my old elementary school and the house where I was born. Had lunch with my best friend from high school whom I hadn’t seen in twenty-five years.

My elementary school

I’ve gone through a lot of changes since I moved away for good twenty-nine years ago. I’ve graduated college, gotten married, raised two kids, lived in three different cities in two other states, retired from one career and started another.

Going back to where I grew up always brings a strange mix of emotions, a sense of both deep familiarity yet utter foreignness at the same time. Nearly thirty years of life experiences have changed me. I’m not the same person anymore. I had the melancholy realization that in some sense, I truly can’t go home again.

The driveway where my dad taught me to play basketball

I find that many things that used to serve me well there are no longer helpful. Certain relationships, rituals, and activities have run their course, completed their formative work. It’s time to let them go. To move on. There are people I no longer need to see, books I no longer need to read, places I no longer need to visit. In order to progress on my personal development journey, these are the parts of my past I need to release.

Other pieces of my past can still aid in my growth. Things I’ve forgotten or let drift away in the busyness of life. Like reconnecting with Gary, my high school best friend. After twenty-five years, I’m not sure what made me track down his contact info and invite him to lunch while I was in town, but I’m so glad I did. Reminiscing with him about all that we’d experienced together in those formative years and sharing the paths our adult lives had taken energized my soul. It reminded me of who I was then in a way that helped me understand who I am now and clarify who I want to become. This is a part of my past that I can reclaim.

The woods behind my parents house where I used to explore

So how about you? What parts of your past do you need to let go of? What relationships or habits or memories are dragging you down, serving only as unwanted anchors, unhealthy reminders of who you were? Release them. What parts of your past do you need to reconnect with, good aspects that you’ve forgotten, things that can deepen and strengthen and stabilize your present? Which relationships or habits or memories can serve as anchoring roots enabling you to grow higher and farther in the future? Reclaim them. If you do, you’ll find peace with your past and take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

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