Becoming yourself takes courage. After my last post (Becoming Yourself Together) on the importance of authentic community, a reader reached out to me with a question. He said he’s been going through a really difficult season and had stepped away from some important relationships in his life. The challenge to pursue authentic community hit him hard, and he asked for some practical advice on how to reengage. That took courage. Courage both to acknowledge his need for change and to reach out for help. He definitely has my respect.
For him and any others with that same question, here are some practical ideas on how to engage in community:
1. Ask Your Higher Power – if this isn’t your thing, no problem. Move on to the next step. If you have one, start by asking your higher power for help and guidance in finding community. For me, that has meant talking with God about my desire for life-giving, authentic relationships and asking for His direction.
2. Be Intentional – put yourself in situations where community has a chance to develop. Go to neighborhood gatherings. Join a team. Take a class. Volunteer with an organization. Plug into a church. Try a meetup.com group that sounds interesting to you. Eat lunch with co-workers. Go where people are and engage with them. Introduce yourself. Ask them about their lives.
Sitting in your living room waiting for community to happen isn’t going to work. Even though I’m an introvert, I stop and introduce myself to neighbors while out running. Take cookies to new people who move into my area. Volunteer regularly with a charitable organization. Play in a band at a church. Initiate monthly gatherings with some author friends. Schedule poker nights. Through all these efforts, I’ve been able to find really wonderful community. Life is busy. People are busy. If you don’t step up and initiate connections, it probably wont happen. Make time for the things that are important.
3. Give First – authentic community takes time, effort and sacrifice. Sometimes it starts by you giving first. Offer to help a co-worker move. Lend a hand to a neighbor landscaping their yard. Volunteer with a charitable organization you believe in. Do what someone else wants to do when they want to do it. Look for ways to help others. As you do, you’ll spend time with people which allows potential relationships to form or deepen. When they do, you’ll probably start finding yourself on the receiving end as your new friends give back to you.
4. Be Vulnerable – real, life-giving relationships require vulnerability. If all you talk about with people is sports and the weather, you’ll be stuck with shallow acquaintances. For authentic community to develop, you’ve got to open up. Share the hard stuff. Admit your struggles. Talk about your real feelings. It’s intimidating, risky, and scary, I know, but when I’ve taken the first step and shown my willingness to “go there”, I’ve found that people usually reciprocate. A few examples:
a. My wife Lisa and I get together regularly with a few other author couples to hang out, have dinner, and talk about the ups and downs of author life. One evening, we went to a new level of community when I chose to share my story. I told them about the significant events in my life that had shaped me as a person, both good and bad. The beautiful thing is that I was not only completely loved, accepted and supported by them, but that we have started taking turns with a different person sharing their story each time we get together. We now have a deeper intimacy and trust in our friendships.
b. I’ve had an accountability partner for over 15 years. A friend I meet with regularly to talk about life. Someone I open up to. Share my struggles with. Tell them the kind of person I want to be and ask for their help. Give them permission to ask me hard questions and speak into my life. It’s an incredible, tank-filling relationship. I was invited into this by my first accountability partner, and I learned about the power of this kind of relationship. When my job took me to a new state, I asked one of my new work friends to take on that role. When he moved away a few years later, I asked a different friend if he would step up. Over ten years, that partnership has become second only to my relationships with God and my wife and kids. Our lunches are one of the highlights of my week. I have that relationship because I asked for it. I admitted that I need help to become the kind of person I want to be and discovered that he desired the same thing.
5. Maintain – once achieved, community won’t just coast on auto-pilot. Like a regular oil change is required to keep your car running smoothly, authentic relationships require attention. Ignore them and they will start to fade. Don’t let this happen to you! You did all the work – enjoy the fruits of your labor. Give regular time and consideration to your meaningful relationships, and they will pay huge dividends.
So how about it? Do you have authentic community? Which of these steps do you need to take to find or develop real, life-giving relationships? Decide to make that effort today. If you do, you’ll take another huge step toward Becoming Yourself.
It came as tragedies often do – unexpectedly. I was setting up for an Easter music rehearsal at the church where I would be singing when a member of the band came in looking exhausted. He’d gotten a call just six hours earlier that his good friend and brother-in-law had gone into the hospital for a routine, out-patient procedure that morning and died on the table. A simple biopsy led to internal bleeding, and suddenly he was gone.
Isn’t that true? In moments like that, when life turns sideways, we’re reminded of how good it is to have people around us. To know and be known. To love and be loved. It helps in good times too. Having people to share victories with makes them all the sweeter. I’ve heard it said that sorrows shared are halved and joys shared are multiplied. I think that’s about right.
I’ve been thinking a lot about community lately. My wife Lisa and I have been discussing where and how we want to live in this next season of life. Our son Kilian is a graphic designer in Sacramento and our daughter Kennedy heads to New York in a few months to pursue acting after her college graduation. We live in Phoenix in a house that’s more than we need for just the two of us. As an author, Lisa can work from anywhere, and as a contract church musician moving into novel and personal development writing, I have a lot of flexibility as well. Do we move near one of the kids? Downsize to a condo in Arizona? Stay in our current house so we have room for visits from potential future grandchildren?
It’s about more than just having someone to hang out with. Even more than having people who will hold me up in the hard times and share my joy when life is good. It’s about the kind of person I want to be. I’ve come to learn that I can’t become myself alone. I can’t fully develop into my true self without other people. Friends who help me discover the best in me. Who challenge me to smooth out my rough edges. Who encourage me to grow into the deepest, truest, most satisfying, and joyful version of myself.
That kind of community comes with a price. Relationships are messy, time consuming, and sometimes exhausting. There’s always the risk of being hurt or disappointed. But I wouldn’t want to live my life any other way. I’ve found that the benefits far outweighs the costs. My life is richer, more satisfying, and more joyful because of the people close to me. And I’m a better person too.
If you want to grow in this area, you may need to reach out to family or old friends who have drifted away. Or maybe you can seek out real relationships at work or a church or a club or a class. My son Kilian found community in his new city by going to “Game of Thrones” and Bar Trivia groups posted on 
I was munching on a Cornish pasty when it happened. My wife and I were having dinner at an English-style pub with some of her author friends when one of them asked me, “So Matt, how did you decide to become a pastor?”
So I told him. When I was a teenager, I was very involved in the youth group at my church. I’d never done anything musical until I was dragged into singing for the dreaded “Teen Talent Night” service my youth pastor organized. Shortly after that debut performance, our group went camping for a week during the summer before my senior year in high school. On the return trip we put on a Sunday night youth service for a small country church in Indiana. My youth pastor spontaneously asked me to sing during the service, and I nervously obliged.
What happened next is something I’ve never been able to explain. I know this will sound really strange, even ludicrous, to many of you, but the best way I can describe it is this: God showed up. The presence of something, of Someone, vast and grand and powerful and wonderful and awe-inspiring fell on me like a brick. I was staggered by the intensity of the Otherness. I managed a one word prayer: “Music?” A wave of peace, a flood of affirmation, washed over me. Then the presence faded. I stood up and walked slowly out to the van knowing my calling was to perform music for God.
A year later, I showed up as a freshman at Calvin College determined to be a vocal performance major. But there were a few problems. I was not very good at singing and completely clueless about music. I had some raw talent, but my experience was minimal and my training close to zero. I was immediately over my head and soon far behind in my classes. My declared major required me to be in one of the three choirs on campus, but I got cut from all of them. Even the “if-you-can-sing-in-the-shower” choir. I had music professors pat me on the knee and tell me I was a nice kid but I would never make it. Their advice was for me to switch majors.
Two things saved me. The first was Professor Carl Kaiser, the head of the vocal department. For some strange reason, he believed in me when no one else did. The second was the strength of my calling experience in that little church. I knew at a deep, core level that this was what I supposed to do. I clung to that belief, dug in, and clawed my way through my freshman year. After dropping some classes and getting a special music tutor, I began making some progress. By the end of that first exhausting year, I was caught up and in a choir. I went on to excel in the program and graduated with a music degree in vocal performance.
If you’re really honest, the biggest hurdle to living out your calling is probably fear. Fear of failure, fear of the unknown, fear of financial insecurity, fear of what other may think. You’re not alone in that struggle. That said, please realize what those fears are stealing from you. George Addair said “Everything you’ve ever wanted is on the other side of fear.” Are you willing to take a risk, face what frightens you and chase your calling? To do what you are meant to do? To become who you are meant to be?
If you need some guidance and encouragement, check out The Crossroads of Should and Must: Find and Follow Your Passion by Elle Luna. It’s a colorful, graphic-filled guide to discovering and pursuing your calling. I found it motivating, helpful and easy to read.
My goal for this blog is to share things I’ve learned in hopes that it will help people become better versions of themselves. If you’re reading this, I’m guessing you’re on a personal development path. Doing what you were meant to do is a significant part of that journey. So look inside. Find your calling. Chase after it with everything you have. If you do, you’ll take a huge step toward Becoming Yourself.