Developing a Better You

Tag: true self (Page 4 of 26)

How to Score a Triple Win for Yourself, Others and the World: Kindness

I was tired.

Our recent move had left me frazzled as I worked my way through stacks of boxes and a long to-do list. With everything in our new condo finally in its place, I stared at the final pile – items to haul to Goodwill.

A large orange suitcase we hadn’t used in years caught my eye. It reminded me of the type used by the community of unhoused people who shelter each night alongside a building across the street. I wondered if I should offer it to one of them instead. While the idea felt intimidating, here I was in the comfort of this wonderful place while some of my new neighbors were sleeping on concrete in the cold a mere fifty yards away. Such a small act of kindness wasn’t asking much of me.

Swallowing my nerves, I grabbed the suitcase and headed outside. As I crossed the street, one gentleman eyed the suitcase eagerly. I said hello to the group and asked if this would be useful to anyone. The man I’d first seen excitedly raised his hand. I stepped toward him just as someone further down the row called, “We’ll take the suitcase!”

I looked over and my heart sank. A young couple sat beside a large pile of belongings with nothing to carry them in. My oversized wheeled suitcase would have been perfect for them. I apologized, explaining that the single man had asked first. Leaving the suitcase with the gentleman, I went over to the couple and offered some warm clothes and a blanket I’d brought with me. They accepted them gratefully.

Back in our condo, I told my wife Lisa what happened. She immediately went to our closet and came back with another roller suitcase, one we’d been planning to keep. She said it was smaller, but maybe it would still help. Second suitcase in tow, I headed back outside.

As I approached the group, I was surprised to see the large orange suitcase next to the young couple. I turned to the man I’d given it to and asked, “Did you give them the suitcase?” He nodded. “That was very kind of you,” I said as I gave him the second case.

I walked away in amazement. That gentleman, in a desperate situation, had been sincerely excited to receive the orange suitcase. He had no idea another one was coming, yet he gave his gift away to a couple who needed it more. His generosity was far greater than mine. I returned home feeling hopeful and energized, my weariness forgotten.

Kindness is a powerful thing. When we choose to act on it, kindness facilitates a rare win-win-win: it helps the person we’re kind to. It helps others when that person pays it forward. And it helps us.

Now more than ever, it’s easy to focus on the worst in people and our world, but take hope – there is still goodness, kindness, and generosity to be found. Choose to participate in it. Be a wildflower in a snowfield, a flickering candle guiding a weary traveler home.

What small act of kindness can you do today? Maybe it’s a phone call to a lonely relative or bringing food to an elderly neighbor. It could be writing a thank you note to an essential worker or sending flowers to loved one or donating to a charity or volunteering at your local food bank. Whatever it is, push through the stress and fatigue so many of us are feeling these days and choose be kind. If you do, you’ll help make a better world for others and take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

A 5 Minute Action You Can Take Right Now to Improve the World

As we rush headlong into the final stage of a long election cycle here in the United States, I’ve been lamenting how our heated political debates often obscure the underlying values and concepts that form the heart of the matter. I was reminded of a document I discovered and wrote about in July of 2019 that helped clarify my thinking on this issue. I share that post again today in hopes that you find it helpful in this season.

My dad nailed me with one question.

As we often do when we get together, my father and I were engaged in a lively discussion. He’s a retired high school teacher and college professor with a PhD in philosophy. I inherited my dad’s love for deep discussion and debate. I was arguing the merits of a particular approach to addressing a social justice issue and, as he’s done many times before, he caused me to rethink my position with a profound but simple question:

“What’s your goal?”

That memory came back to me today as I debated whether or not to write this post. I came across something in my morning reading that I feel is really important, but sharing it here would be different than the kinds of things I normal write about at Becoming Yourself. I decided to use my dad’s clarifying “What’s your goal?” question to help me decide.

What is my goal in writing this blog? Generically, it’s to help people reach their personal development goals. More specifically, my goal is to help others become a better emotional, mental, and spiritual version of themselves.

But why? Why is it good or important to become a better version of yourself? What are the benefits that makes the hard work of personal development worthwhile? I believe we work on ourselves for two reasons:

  1. So that we can have a better quality of life
  2. So that we can more effectively help others have a better quality of life

Today’s post squarely aligns with that second reason – helping others. What I’m about to challenge you to do may not directly improve your life, though I would argue that we are all in this together, and when we help others, we help ourselves in the long run. What I’m encouraging you to do right now is this:

Read and, if you agree with it, sign the Barmen Today Declaration.

What is the Barmen Today Declaration? The link above gives more detail, but in short, it’s a statement that provides a simple way for you to stand with people who are suffering and marginalized. A simple way for you to make your voice heard in a call for unity and healing. A simple way for you to say every human matters and has inherent dignity and value regardless of class, gender, orientation, race, or religion. A simple way for you to say you stand for love vs. hate, compassion vs. apathy, and hope vs. fear.

This is not a statement in favor of any particular political party or religion. This is a statement about the kind of world you want to live in and are willing to fight for.

I know that most of you will be tempted, like I was, to blow this off. You’re busy with a lot of demands on your time. I get it. My challenge to you is simply this: Click the link. Give 5 minutes to read the declaration and, like I did, sign it. If you do, then when you hear the latest reports of division and suffering in your news feeds today, you’ll have the satisfaction of knowing that you gave just a little bit of your time to stand for a better world. If you do, you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

The “4 H Formula” for Life Change: Humility + Help + Healing = Hope

Lately, I’ve seen an uptick in the reading of posts on the topic of hope here at Becoming Yourself. Given everything going on in our world, it’s not surprising. We could all use a little more hope these days. With that in mind, I thought I’d share a post about finding hope that I wrote in March of 2019.

Being a pastor is a weird job. You do a lot of different things, and defining success can be tricky. Ultimately, the job of any pastor is to help people. As a former music pastor for twenty-five years, my primary job was to produce the weekend services, but over my career, I also did a lot of listening and counseling.

Through decades of trying to help people become better versions of themselves, I saw a pattern emerge. It was the framework for a process that led to real growth, one that was key to every successful life-change story I observed. I’ve used this technique many times in my own personal development journey as well.

I’m going to share that process here. Whatever pain or struggle you’re going through in your life – a relationship problem, depression, addiction, etc. – the “4 H Formula” may work for you. Here it is:

HUMILITY + HELP + HEALING = HOPE

1. HUMILITY – If the first step in solving a problem is acknowledging you have one, the second is recognizing that, in most cases, you’ve had a hand in it. That you’re not just a victim, but part of the cause. That kind of brutal honesty is difficult. But without it the likelihood of overcoming your issue is almost zero. Of course there are instances when horrible things happen to you through literally no fault of your own. That’s tragic. That said, to move forward you have to take responsibility for how you’ve chosen to respond to that suffering and what action, or lack of action, you’ve taken. That takes HUMILITY.

2. HELP – The second part of the formula is to admit you need help. There are some problems you can tackle on your own, but for serious ones you almost always need HELP. Making that admission, then taking the critical step of actually asking for HELP, really gets the change process moving. Whether it’s reaching out to a friend, doctor, pastor, or professional counselor, allowing others to HELP you is vital.

3. HEALING – So you’ve shown HUMILITY by admitting your part in your problem and have asked appropriate people for HELP. Now you’re ready for the third part of the equation – take the actions necessary for HEALING. Getting help is great, but no-one can “fix you.” You have to do that yourself. You can get all the best help and advice in the world, but if you don’t act on it, nothing will change. I’ve seen this time and time again, in my own life and in those I’ve counseled. Don’t let this be you! Be brave. Do the hard work. Take action. If you add HEALING to HUMILITY and HELP, that can result in…

4. HOPE – Humility + Help + Healing = HOPE. You’ve worked your way through the formula. You’ve tackled your problem with honesty and courage which has led to real growth and change. Now revel in the feeling of HOPE that you’ve earned!

Here are a couple of real-life stories of the 4 H Formula in action (for anonymity, I’ve changes the names and certain details):

John met with me at church and shared that he was in deep depression to the point of being suicidal. He showed HUMILITY in admitting the actions he’d taken that contributed to his problems. He reached out to me for HELP. I listened, asked questions, and prayed with him. Then I gave John the phone number of a professional therapist who could give him some tools to enable him to move forward. He made the call, went to his appointments, and took the action steps the therapist gave him for HEALING. Months later, John called me saying he felt like a new person. He’d found HOPE again.

I met Gail for coffee, and she confessed to an addiction that was wrecking her marriage. She showed HUMILITY by acknowledging that her own choices were a big part of her problems. She reached out to me for HELP and asked for accountability in taking steps to break her addiction. Gail enrolled in a recovery group, worked diligently at tasks that aided in her HEALING, and was transparent with her family about her journey. A year later, she told me how great her marriage was doing. Gail’s commitment to the 4 H Formula had brought her to a place of HOPE.

So how about you? Is there a problem you’re facing that makes you feel hopeless? Are you ready to take steps toward real change? Try the 4 H Formula: Show HUMILITY. Ask for HELP. Take action for HEALING. If you do, you’ll find HOPE and take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

Disclaimer: I am not a licensed professional counselor and all opinions expressed here are my own.

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