Becoming Yourself

Developing a Better You

Month: February 2024

The Deep Lesson of Walking Away

February 24, 2024 / / 8 Comments

The deepest lessons take time to learn.

I love my life. My wife is an amazing partner. My kids are grown and thriving. I have a small group of good friends. I have my dream job of being an author. I still encounter stress, frustration, and hard times, but overall, life is good.

As I reflected recently on how I arrived at this wonderful season, I realized a critical factor—what I walked away from was as important as what I walked toward.

My wife and I got married when I was still in college. Knowing what I’d found in her, I chose to walk away from the freedom of single life to walk toward a committed relationship.

We made a conscious decision to have children early. While our friends were having fun, we were changing diapers. We walked away from the more carefree childless life to walk toward long, meaningful years of investing deeply in our kids. 

Given the flexibility of our author careers, my wife and I can live anywhere. We enjoy travel and have seen a lot of wonderful places. When we chose where to plant roots a few years ago, we decided to move not to the most beautiful place we could go, but to the place where we had deep friendships. We walked away from novelty to walk toward relationships.

After decades of hard work, I had a comfortable music career. It was easy and fun, with low responsibility. But it didn’t challenge or excite me anymore, and it tied me to a strict rehearsal and performance schedule. I walked away from comfortable familiarity to walk toward a new, high-risk author career.

Saying no to good things made room for better things. What I walked away from was as important as what I walked toward.

I’m learning to love the sound of my feet walking away from things not meant for me.

a.g.

What do you need to walk away from? Maybe it’s a relationship that has become more baggage than ballast. Maybe it’s a career that’s grown stagnant. Maybe it’s a superficial sense of freedom. Picture the life you’d truly love to live. Look honestly at each area of your life now. Decide what you need to walk away from in order to walk toward something better. If you do, you’ll find deeper meaning and joy, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself. 

The post was originally published Aug 20, 2022.

Want a Smoother Life Journey? Name the Wind

February 10, 2024 / / 0 Comments

I recently watched a feather dance on the breeze.

It was the movement that caught my eye. A glint of white controlled by invisible strings, dipping right, then left, soaring one moment and diving the next. It was all the more noticeable because the day seemed perfectly calm. There was not a hint of wind that I could detect. Yet the flight of this feather proved otherwise.

It made me think about my own life. How often am I affected by unseen forces, the movements of my life influenced by things I can’t see? That I’m oblivious to? Forgotten hurts from my past. Deeply buried trauma. Unresolved conflicts. Unfulfilled dreams. Unrealized expectations. They all push and pull me, buffeting my perspective, my attitude, my emotions, my mood. How quick am I to notice the way they shape my day-to-day life experience?

These forces are inevitable. The path of life doesn’t always run smoothly. There are unseen realities we all must endure. I believe the goal is to pause long enough to recognize them. Stare them in the face. Drag them into the sunlight. Admit their influence. Ask the hard question that author, speaker, and pastor Andy Stanley often poses: “Is this a problem to be solved or a tension to be managed?” Solve the problems you can through counseling, therapy, meditation, prayer, study, or sharing with a trusted friend. Learn to manage the tensions that must be maintained, the forces that will affect your path for the rest of your life. Choose to embrace opposing influences and appreciate their competing strengths and weaknesses.

If you do, you’ll find a smoother, more enjoyable journey, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

This post was originally published September 11, 2021.

Avoiding the Trap of Self-Rejection

February 3, 2024 / / 0 Comments

It was a painful realization.

Many years ago, the independent church I was working for as the music leader became a satellite campus of a much larger church. I went from heading up the most visible department to being one small part of a huge music staff. Rightly, my role, responsibility, and importance dropped dramatically.

In many ways, it was a wonderful relief. In others, it was a difficult transition. I’d been the righthand person to the lead pastor my entire career. Sat in all the important meetings. Had a voice in every big decision. Led the weekend experience. Now I did none of those things.

As I adapted to my new role, it would have been easy to slip into a dark place. To feel unneeded. Unwanted. To listen to the subtle voice in my head that whispered, “You’re too old. Out of touch. In the way.” I was tempted to give in to self-rejection.

But I didn’t. After a lot of reflection, reading, and wrestling through my feelings with God and those closest to me, I came to honestly believe that my role did not define me or my worth. I’d always given lip-service to that perspective, but it had never been put to the test. I was able to reground myself in my foundational identity as God’s child, independent of my career, relationships, or social standing. It was a hard fight, but incredibly freeing.

Over the years, I have come to realize that the greatest trap in our life is not success, popularity, or power, but self-rejection. Success, popularity, and power can indeed present a great temptation, but their seductive quality often comes from the way they are part of the much larger temptation to self-rejection. When we have come to believe in the voices that call us worthless and unlovable, then success, popularity, and power are easily perceived as attractive solutions. The real trap, however, is self-rejection. . . . As soon as someone accuses me or criticizes me, as soon as I am rejected, left alone, or abandoned, I find myself thinking, “Well, that proves once again that I am a nobody.” . . . My dark side says, “I am no good. . . . I deserve to be pushed aside, forgotten, rejected, and abandoned.”

Self-rejection is the greatest enemy of the spiritual life because it contradicts the sacred voice that calls us the “Beloved.” Being the Beloved constitutes the core truth of our existence.

henri nouwen

Where are you susceptible to self-rejection? Your marriage? Appearance? Career? Finances? Relationships? Accomplishments? Social status? Get quiet. Breathe deep. Look inside. Remember that those external markers do not define you. You are beautiful. Valued. Prized. Anchor your worth in something truer and deeper. If you do, you’ll find real freedom, and you’ll take a giant step toward Becoming Yourself.

As featured in the Jan 10, 2024 Daily Meditation from the Henri Nouwen Society. Text excerpts taken from “You are the Beloved” by Henri J.M. Nouwen © 2017 by The Henri Nouwen Legacy Trust. Published by Convergent Books.

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