Two years ago, there were eight people on my dad’s side of the family in his generation. With my uncle passing away unexpectedly last week, now there are four.
My wife Lisa and I are currently in Michigan helping my 84-year-old father recover from knee replacement surgery and visiting her 84-year-old mother in her retirement home apartment. Seeing the inevitable declines that comes with advanced age is a sobering reminder of what awaits me.
That said, these reflections are not making me maudlin, gloomy or depressed. And I’m not about to try to “live every day as if it’s my last,” because frankly, that’s not practical.
What I am trying to do is embrace my mortality. Face it. Make peace with it. My worldview that we are all born of God’s love, live in God’s love, and will return to God’s love helps me do that.
Another useful tool has been making a plan for my eventual demise. Being prepared financially. Having a Trust. A will. An advanced medical directive.
I’m letting the reality of my mortality influence my choices. Impact how I live. I’m choosing to pursue and live my dreams now vs. waiting. Writing the books I want to write. Seeing the world. Spending time with people I love.
What are your thoughts about death? Do you avoid the subject? Are you afraid of it? Those are understandable responses. But your life will end. Try embracing your mortality. Make a plan. Consider a higher power. Live your dreams now. If you can’t, take steps to bring them closer. If you do, you’ll have a more fulfilling life, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.
If you’re anything like me, sometimes you just feel down. A general sense of malaise, a nebulous depression, an insubstantial gloom. In those moments, I’ve found significant help in trying to identify and name the source of my feelings. Finding understanding and clarity doesn’t fix my problem, but it helps me get a hold of it, makes it tangible, and gives something I can work on.
I recently read a quote that provided a new tool to do just that:
If anxieties focus on what might happen, and hurts focus on what has happened, disappointments focus on what has not happened.
Brian McLaren, Naked Spirituality
I find these three categories extremely helpful. Am I feeling low because I’m:
ANXIOUS about something that might happen?
HURT by something that has happened?
DISAPPOINTED by something that has not happened?
After asking these questions, if I’m still struggling to pinpoint the source of my feelings, I go through the categories of my life to see which one triggers a spike in my negative emotion. I get alone somewhere quiet and think about my career, my health, my finances, my wife, my kids, my friends, my parents, God, etc. I consider them one at a time, as if I’m holding that aspect of my life in front of me like a jewel and examining it from different angles. Usually, if I’m honest with myself, something clicks. I feel a “no, no, no, no, yes – that’s what I’m anxious about (or hurt by or disappointed in).”
Anxiety, hurt, and disappointment are natural, understandable human emotions. We all experience them at different levels throughout our lives, sometimes as minor inconveniences, sometimes as near death blows. It’s normal and healthy to allow ourselves to feel and process these emotions in a balanced way, neither ignoring nor wallowing in them. They often have positive things to teach us, important lessons that can help us grow into a better, happier version of ourselves.
That said, once you’ve identified WHY you’re feeling badly – because you’re anxious, you’re hurt, or you’re disappointed – here are some questions to ask yourself that may help you learn the helpful lessons and clear away the storm clouds:
ANXIETY
Is there a reasonable, fact-based probability that what I’m dreading will come to pass? What percentage of things I’ve worried about in the past have actually come true? Of those that did happen, how many were as bad as I had imagined? Is it worth allowing this potential event in the future to steal my joy and peace in the present?
HURT
Am I sure of the facts regarding the situation that hurt me? For example, was the person’s motive truly to wound me or was it unintentional? Even unintended actions can be painful, but not as much as deliberate ones. What do I wish would happen now that might help me heal? What actions do I wish others would do? Can I ask them? What actions can I take to ease my pain? Have I subconsciously participated in my own wounding?
DISAPPOINTMENT
Am I confident what I wished for would really bring me the joy I imagined? What other hope in my life has come to pass that I can be thankful for? Is there another positive future thing that I can shift my focus toward?
The next time you feel the storm clouds gather, take a moment to ask yourself – “Am I ANXIOUS about what may happen, HURT by what did happen, or DISAPPOINTED by what has not happened? What specific aspect of my life has me feeling that way?” When you’ve gotten clarity on the cause of your feelings, ask yourself the appropriate questions above. Answer honestly. If you do, you’ll feel a healing breeze begin to blow, and you’ll take another important step toward Becoming Yourself.
The quote above that served as the catalyst for this post is actually from a longer passage on prayer shared by Richard Rohr in one of his daily email meditations. If you have a more spiritual bent or are interested in how prayer helps us find God in difficult times, I highly recommend reading that post here.
This post was originally published March 28, 2020.
My lifelong dream of becoming a published author came true. Over the last year and a half, I’ve published five books with the biggest trade publisher in the country. Been on multiple national book tours. Appeared at some of the most well-regarded book festivals. Even did multiple author panels with one of my literary heroes, Goosebumps author R. L. Stine.
And then my next series idea got rejected. After taking that sting, I finished another book and tried again. That one just got rejected too.
When you reach the mountaintop and experience the success you long dreamed of, it can fool you into thinking you’ll remain there. The truth is, that’s normally not the case, at least not in a highly competitive creative field. Today’s hot new author (not that I ever was that) can become tomorrow’s has-been with mind numbing speed. It’s humbling.
But the opposite is also true. When we experience repeated setbacks, it can feel like things will never change. Our success is over. We’ll always lose, be rejected, be ignored. That’s not reality either.
The hard truth is this—success comes and goes. You’re up one minute and down the next. You’re applauded, then forgotten. When you venture into the arena to fight for your dreams, be prepared to get whacked. The smackdown is almost inevitable. What matters is how we choose to respond.
It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself in a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat.—Theodore Roosevelt
I’m going to keep fighting. I believe in my latest book, so my agent is going to send it to other editors. While that painfully slow process happens, I’m going to work on a new novel. Keep trudging, keep pushing, keep putting one foot in front of the other in pursuit of my dream of a sustained author career.
What dream do you have that’s worth the struggle? Make a plan, take a deep breath, and step into the arena. Fight the good fight. When you get smacked down, let yourself feel the pain, then shake off the blow, pull yourself up and start again. If you do, your dream just might come true. At worst, you’ll never be one of those timid souls who never dared to try, and you’ll take a giant step toward Becoming Yourself.
