Developing a Better You

Category: Spirit (Page 18 of 51)

How to Satisfy Your Desires

If I asked you what you desire, how would you respond? 

Popular responses would be money, sex, popularity, a romantic partner, a great job, an easy life. All of those are good things. They are what I’d call surface desires. 

If we still our minds, gaze inward and think honestly, other desires may come to mind. To be known. To be understood. To be unconditionally loved. To have inner peace. To have meaning and purpose. To have true security. To have a sense of adventure. To feel truly alive. I call these deep desires. 

I recently came across a quote by Henri Nouwen (1932-1996), an author, theologian and professor at Havard and Yale Universities:

Jesus’ core message was that God is neither a powerless weakling nor a powerful boss, but a lover, whose only desire is to give us what our hearts most desire.

Henri nouwen

When I read that, I asked myself the obvious question—what are my desires? What first came to mind were my surface desires, and Nouwen’s statement didn’t seem true. But as I reflected more, I tapped into my deeper desires, and I realized that, for me, God has in fact satisfied them

God may have no place in your worldview, and I sincerely respect that position. All I’m attempting to do here is share my experience. While I can find ways to satisfy my surface desires from other sources, I’ve only been able to truly satisfy my deeper desires through my relationship with God. All other attempts have left me wanting.

So what are your surface desires? How about your deep desires? Which are satisfied and which are unfulfilled? What sources do you turn to in an attempt to meet them?

Be honest with yourself about your level of fulfillment. If your deeper desires feel unsatisfied and God is not part of your worldview, consider experimenting with including God. Read a short daily email excerpt from Henri Nouwen’s writings (a is sample below and you can subscribe here. You can read how I connect with God here). If that doesn’t work, try something else that sounds intriguing to you. If you do, you’ll discover a more satisfied life, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself. 

From “You are the Beloved” by Henri Nouwen:

Most of us distrust God. Most of us think of God as a fearful, punitive authority or as an empty, powerless nothing. Jesus’ core message was that God is neither a powerless weakling nor a powerful boss, but a lover, whose only desire is to give us what our hearts most desire.

To pray is to listen to that voice of love. That is what obedience is all about. The word obedience comes from the Latin word ob-audire, which means “to listen with great attentiveness.” Without listening, we become “deaf” to the voice of love. The Latin word for deaf is surdus. To be completely deaf is to be absurdus, yes, absurd. When we no longer pray, no longer listen to the voice of love that speaks to us in the moment, our lives become absurd lives in which we are thrown back and forth between the past and the future.

If we could just be, for a few minutes each day, fully where we are, we would indeed discover that we are not alone and that the One who is with us wants only one thing: to give us love.

From the daily email from The Henri Nouwen Society (henrinouwen.org) Jan 20, 2022. Text excerpts taken from “You are the Beloved” by Henri J.M. Nouwen, (c) 2017 by The Henri Nouwen Legacy Trust. Published by Convergent Books.

How to Deal with Disappointment

I read the text and burst into tears.

The day after Christmas, I’d woken up with a scratchy throat and a fever. I got progressively worse and went to a drive-through testing site. Later that day, I got the results. After being fully vaccinated, boosted and wearing a mask inside public places, I’d still somehow contracted Covid-19.

I didn’t cry because I’d finally caught the disease I’d been dodging for almost two years. And thanks to the vaccines, I wasn’t worried about landing in the hospital or dying. I was crushed because we were three days away from our family holiday gathering with our kids.

Both our son and daughter spent Christmas with their in-laws this year, with our family slated to spend New Year’s weekend together. The six of us all being in the same place is a rare occurrence, and each one is my favorite time of the year by a mile. Now, like so many other families this year, my Covid diagnosis had just blown that cherished occasion out of the water.

Here are some things I learned from that bitter disappointment:

1.  Let yourself feel it. 

Disappointments are painful. Pretending otherwise doesn’t help anyone. As my dear friend and accountability partner often reminds me in hard times, “You’ve gotta let yourself feel the feels.” And while it’s good perspective to remember that others have it far worse, that doesn’t negate your pain. Just because someone else has cancer doesn’t mean your broken leg doesn’t hurt. That’s why I let myself cry and express my sorrow to my wife and kids.

2.  Is this a dream destroyed or a dream delayed?

After letting myself absorb the crushing news and talking it through with my wife, I called my kids. They were not only supportive and understanding, but let me know we could reschedule for a couple of weeks later. While still disappointing, the sting was much less when I learned I just had to wait a little longer.

3. Are there any hidden benefits to the change? 

Often you’re unable to see any unexpected benefits to a disappointment, at least not until time has passed. But sometimes you can find them even in the short term. My wife pointed out that if we had done our family celebration on Christmas Day and my pre-gathering test came up negative, I would have unknowingly put everyone at risk. I felt a huge relief knowing that didn’t happen.

4. Let it go.

My wife used to be a realtor and often put in countless hours with a client only to have them decide not to buy or worse yet, purchase a for-sale-by-owner home. Both instances meant she didn’t get paid. When that happened, her real estate broker gave her sage advice that she’s lived by ever since: “Let yourself feel bad for five minutes, then say ‘What’s next?’” Clinging to bitter disappointment doesn’t change the reality of it—it only lengthens its negative impact.

Disappointment is inevitable. How you respond to it is up to you. Let yourself ‘feel the feels.’ See if it’s a defeat or a delay. Search out any hidden benefits or hard-won lessons. Then let it go and move on. If you do, you’ll soften life’s stings and take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

A Simple Approach to Prayer

The best prayer I ever heard was two words: “Help me.”

It was not eloquent. It wasn’t flowing. It wasn’t lengthy, poetic or selfless. But it was brutally honest. And painfully sincere. That prayer came from a deeply broken place, uttered by a friend who, in those two simple words, admitted the mess he’d made of his life and acknowledged he couldn’t fix it on his own.

In the forty-two years I’ve been building my relationship with God, I’ve said countless thousands of prayers. I’ve prayed alone, in pairs, in small groups and, in my former role as a music pastor, in front of thousands of people. I’ve attended conferences on prayer, read books on prayer, been on committees discussing prayer, taught classes on prayer and personally used a wide variety of prayer techniques like centering prayer, breath prayer, lectio divina and praying scripture. If there’s anyone who should not struggle with prayer, it’s me.

But I do sometimes (as described in my last post). When I feel stymied, stagnant or bored with my conversations with God, I think about my friend’s two word prayer. It reminds me that an effective prayer life isn’t about techniques or theological depth or impressive language. Life-giving prayer is simple. Organic. Authentic. Raw.

That said, using a basic framework during my set time of prayer (as opposed to my many spontaneous prayers throughout the day) helps keep things balanced. It provides enough structure to keep me from getting stuck, while allowing enough freedom to keep my prayers fresh.

Of all the prayer techniques I’ve learned, the one I use most often is one of the simplest. It’s an acronym of the word PRAY:

P – Praise

I start by thanking God for who God is (creator, provider, guide, mother, father, lord, friend, etc.) and what God has done for me (the good things in my life). Beginning with gratitude helps realign my perspective and puts me in a healthy mental place for the prayers that follow.

R – Repent

Repent literally means ‘to turn.’ It’s both acknowledging that I’ve gone in a wrong direction and taking action to correct my course. I believe I’m a wonderful yet flawed person, one who makes plenty of mistakes. I am sometimes insecure, self-centered, lustful, judgmental, ungrateful, entitled and addicted to my own comfort. Acknowledging those faults to myself and to God keeps me humble, reminds me to be more gracious with the faults of others and motivates me to grow.

A – Ask

I ask God to help others. My family and friends. Strangers I hear about. Situations of significance. I ask God to protect, to heal, to comfort, to guide, to encourage, to strengthen, to provide. I ask for God’s blessing and help in their lives.

Y – Yourself

I close by praying for myself. This section is last for a reason. After starting in gratitude, admitting my flaws and focusing on the needs of others, I’m usually in a good head space to think about myself. To remember what I actually need, what I truly want and what’s really important.

The beauty of this simple framework for prayer is that you can do it anywhere—in the car, at lunch, during a commercial, in a quiet room—and for any length of time, from a handful of seconds to hours on end. After forty-two years, it still serves me well.

So how about you? Do you have a desire to pray? Do you struggle as I have? Try this simple acronym. Start small. Keep it simple. Be brutally honest (God can take it). Be yourself. Stick with it. Have fun. If you do, you’ll find some peace, hope and comfort as you take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

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