Developing a Better You

Category: Spirit (Page 3 of 51)

Want to Blow People’s Minds? Be Gratuitously Friendly

We were truly shocked. 

Our current nomadic journey has taken us to a variety of Alaskan towns on a cruise. My wife Lisa and I were returning from our morning hike on Canada’s Prince Rupert Island when a woman walking leisurely in front of us on the sidewalk stepped aside to let us pass. We waved our thanks and continued on. 

The woman caught up with us a few minutes later when we stopped to check directions. Lisa made a friendly comment and the woman responded warmly, asking us if we lived there. When we said we were visiting, she recommended her favorite sights and restaurants before wishing us well and moving on.

Fifteen minutes later, we were sitting on a bench admiring the beauty of Sunken Gardens Park when I noticed an elderly man slowly approaching along the path in front of us. He wore an unusually tall wicker hat and carried a circular hand drum, and was dressed in a tee shirt and shorts despite the chill air.

When the man reached us, he stopped and broke into an honest gap-toothed smile above his Gandalf-worthy beard. Given our previous experiences in the US and other parts of the world, we were bracing ourselves for a request for money.

We couldn’t have been more wrong. He had guessed we were visiting and just wanted to welcome us to his city. We thanked him, and Lisa mentioned how unpleasant it must be for the locals at times to have cruise ships full of people descend on their town. The man’s smile broadened. He told us his grandmother had taught him that the way he should respond to meeting new people was like this—he spread his arms wide in a gesture of acceptance.

This wisened old man shared how his First Nation culture highly valued community, with one of the four local tribes regularly hosting the other three for feasts. He said if we were in town longer, that we would be welcome. With a twinkle in his eye, he said, “We love to celebrate.” 

He waved his goodbyes and walked slowly off, pausing in a nearby tunnel to chant a song of his people to himself, simply for the joy of experiencing the acoustics. He was one of the warmest and most fascinating people I’ve ever met. 

As we made our way back to the ship, a young man sitting with friends in another park asked us if we were on the cruise. We engaged in a long conversation and learned he’d been a crab fisherman for thirteen years, sailing five hours out to sea in a small boat for up to ten days at a time. When Lisa commented on how exceedingly friendly everyone had been, one of the man’s friends said, “That’s our way here. It’s nice to know your neighbors.”

As we said our goodbyes and walked to the ship, Lisa and I talked of how unusual and delightful our experience of Prince Rupert had been. It motivated us to bring some of the gratuitous friendliness we’d encountered everywhere we go. 

Do you want to blow people’s minds? Be gratuitously friendly. It costs you little and gives much to you and those you meet. If you do, you’ll have a more joyful life, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

A Chance Encounter, a Strange Idea, and a Wild Journey

It started with a chance encounter.

Our nomadic journey recently took my wife and I on a cruise through the Panama Canal. One day at lunch, we struck up a conversation with a woman in her mid-sixties who was traveling alone. When we learned she was a frequent traveler, we asked what some of her favorite trips had been. She glowingly talked about walking the Camino de Santiago.

Having never heard of it, Lisa and I were intrigued. The woman described a walk of hundreds of miles across northern Spain to the city of Santiago. We didn’t get into much detail, but the idea stuck with us long after the cruise. 

A few months later, we were having dinner with our daughter’s neighbor whom we pet sit for. We were already booked to stay at her place to watch her cat Pixie for five weeks this fall, but didn’t know where she would be traveling. When we asked, we were stunned by her answer—she will be biking the Camino de Santiago.

Fascinated by the coincidence, we plied her with questions:

1. What is the Camino de Santiago? A 500 mile trek traveled by pilgrims for more than 1200 years.

2. What’s the route? Start in St Jean Pied de Port in southwest France, cross the Pyrenees Mountains and head west across northern Spain to the city of Santiago. 

3. Where do you sleep? In hostel-like albergues or small hotels.

4. What do you eat? The “pilgrims meals” provided by albergues or in cafes along the route.

5. Where do you go to the bathroom? In the towns or fields along the way.

6. How do you get drinking water? Fill your water bottles from innumerable public fountains of potable water.

7. How long does it take? About 30 days to walk depending on your speed.

As we left that dinner, Lisa and I looked at each other and realized we both had the same mildly insane question—should we walk the Camino de Santiago?

For the last few weeks, we’ve talked extensively about the Camino. We’ve watched a movie about it starting Martin Sheen called The Way (highly recommended) and three documentaries. We’ve started reading a guide book to the Camino, and Lisa has done a deep dive on a Camino sub-reddit.

We were hooked. We booked our travel to France for mid April 2026 and our return trip from Portugal at the end of May 2026, leaving forty days in between to walk the Camino de Santiago.

Me and Lisa after our first training hike

A few days ago, we completed our first training hike on a mountainous loop trail in northern Arizona. We have a lot of work ahead of us to prepare for this extraordinary and challenging adventure. Will we walk the full 500 miles? I have no idea. But as we’ve heard over and over from people who have done it, you have to walk your Camino, not anyone else’s. Your length. At your pace. In your way. For your reasons.

Not knowing exactly what our Camino will be like is part of the fun. All I know now is that we’re incredibly enthused and motivated. Committing to some version of this adventure has filled us with focus and excitement, giving us a wild goal to shoot for and something meaningful to share. What will happen? Watch this space. We’ll find out together.

View from our first training hike

What motivates you? What out-of-the-box idea makes your heart beat faster? Research it. Start a plan. Find someone to share it with. Make a commitment. If you do, you’ll feel more deeply alive, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

Interested in my USA Today bestselling books? Find info at MattMcMann.com or wherever books are sold.

2 Keys to Finding Fulfillment

I am a master of self-deception.

Time after time, season after season, year after year, I sought fulfillment in many things—relationships, praise, career, material possessions, experiences. Each time the long sought thing was finally in my grasp, I felt the same sense of disappointment. Apparently that wasn’t “it” either.

I wish everyone could get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they could see that it’s not the answer.

jim carrey, actor

I think that repeated lesson is sinking in. When I recently achieved my lifelong goal of becoming a published author and spoke to cheering crowds, had packed book signings, and traveled the country for events, I savored the moments as best I could. But when the lights were off and the crowds were gone, I wasn’t surprised to feel… normal. Like the same old me. I was greeted by that familiar sense of, “That was great, but not ultimately fulfilling.” I’m at peace with that now because I know that my career, like so many other things, will never provide that feeling. I’ve found it elsewhere.

I failed at this inner equilibrium for decades, and I’m sure I’ll fail at it again in the future. But for now, I’m good. There are two keys that helped me find my current sense of fulfillment:

1. HUMILITY

I need to continually be honest with myself about my failures, shortcomings, and growth edges, and embrace my shadow side; to love my humanness, in both its glory and frailty. This keeps me from narcissistic ego inflation when the wins are racking up and crushing despair at my inevitable failures. 

2. IDENTITY

I need to ground my sense of self in something stable, dependable, and external. For me, that’s God, and my identity as God’s child. That feels like an unshakable foundation that isn’t changed by money loss, illness, death, dissolving relationships, career shifts, what others think of me, or my own successes and failures.

Author and Harvard professor Henri Nouwen beautifully captured this common struggle for fulfillment:

Aren’t you, like me, hoping that some person, thing, or event will come along to give you that final feeling of inner well-being you desire? Don’t you often hope: ‘May this book, idea, course, trip, job, country, or relationship fulfill my deepest desire’? But as long as you are waiting for that mysterious moment, you will go on running helter-skelter, always anxious and restless, always lustful and angry, never fully satisfied. You know that this is the compulsiveness that keeps us going and busy, but at the same time makes us wonder whether we are getting anywhere in the long run. This is the way to spiritual exhaustion and burnout.

henri nouwen

How’s your sense of fulfillment these days? Could it use a boost? Accept that it will not be found ‘out there.’ Admit your growth edges. Embrace your shadow side. Anchor your identity in something worthy of it, whatever that means for you. If you do, the fulfillment you seek will not be far behind, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

This post was originally published on August 5, 2023. Text excerpts taken from “You are the Beloved” by Henri J.M. Nouwen © 2017 by The Henri Nouwen Legacy Trust. Published by Convergent Books.

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