Developing a Better You

Category: Relationships (Page 1 of 14)

Want to Blow People’s Minds? Be Gratuitously Friendly

We were truly shocked. 

Our current nomadic journey has taken us to a variety of Alaskan towns on a cruise. My wife Lisa and I were returning from our morning hike on Canada’s Prince Rupert Island when a woman walking leisurely in front of us on the sidewalk stepped aside to let us pass. We waved our thanks and continued on. 

The woman caught up with us a few minutes later when we stopped to check directions. Lisa made a friendly comment and the woman responded warmly, asking us if we lived there. When we said we were visiting, she recommended her favorite sights and restaurants before wishing us well and moving on.

Fifteen minutes later, we were sitting on a bench admiring the beauty of Sunken Gardens Park when I noticed an elderly man slowly approaching along the path in front of us. He wore an unusually tall wicker hat and carried a circular hand drum, and was dressed in a tee shirt and shorts despite the chill air.

When the man reached us, he stopped and broke into an honest gap-toothed smile above his Gandalf-worthy beard. Given our previous experiences in the US and other parts of the world, we were bracing ourselves for a request for money.

We couldn’t have been more wrong. He had guessed we were visiting and just wanted to welcome us to his city. We thanked him, and Lisa mentioned how unpleasant it must be for the locals at times to have cruise ships full of people descend on their town. The man’s smile broadened. He told us his grandmother had taught him that the way he should respond to meeting new people was like this—he spread his arms wide in a gesture of acceptance.

This wisened old man shared how his First Nation culture highly valued community, with one of the four local tribes regularly hosting the other three for feasts. He said if we were in town longer, that we would be welcome. With a twinkle in his eye, he said, “We love to celebrate.” 

He waved his goodbyes and walked slowly off, pausing in a nearby tunnel to chant a song of his people to himself, simply for the joy of experiencing the acoustics. He was one of the warmest and most fascinating people I’ve ever met. 

As we made our way back to the ship, a young man sitting with friends in another park asked us if we were on the cruise. We engaged in a long conversation and learned he’d been a crab fisherman for thirteen years, sailing five hours out to sea in a small boat for up to ten days at a time. When Lisa commented on how exceedingly friendly everyone had been, one of the man’s friends said, “That’s our way here. It’s nice to know your neighbors.”

As we said our goodbyes and walked to the ship, Lisa and I talked of how unusual and delightful our experience of Prince Rupert had been. It motivated us to bring some of the gratuitous friendliness we’d encountered everywhere we go. 

Do you want to blow people’s minds? Be gratuitously friendly. It costs you little and gives much to you and those you meet. If you do, you’ll have a more joyful life, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

Want to Live Your Dream? Find Real Life Examples

I’m a routine guy.

I thrive in habits. This can be a real strength, as I’m good at sticking with things like exercise, meditation, and scheduled relational connections. 

But that tendency has a significant drawback—I struggle to think outside the box, see the bigger picture, imagine unique possibilities. Fortunately, my wife Lisa is great at that, a trait that I’ve benefited from significantly in our thirty-three years of marriage.

A fountain at Chapultepec Park in Mexico City

About eight years ago, Lisa pitched an out-of-the-box idea—what if we didn’t have a permanent home base, but lived in short term rentals across the country and around the world? My routine-loving brain almost exploded. That said, we did love travel, and I had almost completed the transition from my music career to full-time writing, so it was at least conceivable.

The more we talked about this idea of becoming digital nomads (a term we were completely ignorant of then), the more intrigued I became. But the thought still terrified me. It was too strange, too outside the norm, too spontaneous for me to seriously consider. 

A ceiling fresco in the National Museum of History in Mexico City

Around that time, we went to dinner with some old friends while visiting Michigan. Clare and Darcy are a few years older than us, close enough in age to have a lot in common, but far enough into the next season of life to have insights we lack. After Clare had a serious health scare, they both retired to live their dream—they built a small, low-maintenance house for a home base, then started living abroad for large chunks of the year in Mexico, Spain, and France. 

At dinner, we peppered them with questions about their new lifestyle. As they shared their experiences, a clearer picture of our nomadic dream began to take shape, one that seemed far less daunting

The rooftop of the National Museum of History in Mexico City

In the following years, Lisa and I continued to brainstorm about the transition to nomadic living. Whenever we could, we met with Clare and Darcy, and gleaned more from their experiences.

In early 2024, we decided we were finally ready. We started the arduous process of selling both our rental houses, our primary residence condo, and most of our possessions. I shared about our plans online, partly to make it harder for me to back out. A friend saw my post and told us about a fantastic nomadic living newsletter on Substack called Brent and Michael Are Going Places, which gave us a bonanza of practical info. 

On July 4, 2024, we drove away from our Phoenix condo for the last time to begin our nomadic journey. We’re now eight months in and loving it. While this lifestyle has its challenges, the benefits of freedom, seeing the world, spending more time with loved ones, and a lower cost of living far outweigh them.

We’re currently exploring Mexico City, and in a full-circle moment, we met up with—who else?—Clare and Darcy. Their living example over the years gave us the vision and inspiration we needed to finally realize our dream.

Me and Lisa (on the right) with Clare and Darcy in Mexico City

What are your dreams? What does your ideal life look like? Find people who are already doing it. Pick their brains, in real life or virtually. Be inspired. Follow their example. If you do, you’ll be one step closer to living your dream, and you’ll take a giant step toward Becoming Yourself.

A Simple Way to Help a Loved One in Pain

I’m a fixer.

In response to a frustration, hurt, or problem in a loved one’s life, my first instinct is to fix it. To solve it. To make it go away.

But for some of the deepest struggles in life, there is no fix. No solve. No solution. There is only acceptance. Endurance. Embracing. Sharing. Supporting. This is where real love and true friendship are shown. 

When we honestly ask ourselves which persons in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not-knowing, not-curing, not-healing, and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is the friend who cares.

henri nouwen

When a friend is struggling, it gives me hope knowing I don’t have to have sage advice or just the right words of comfort. What matters most is my willingness to walk the dark road beside them.

So when a loved one is in pain, simply show up. Be there. Embrace the silence. Admit that you don’t know what you don’t know. If you do, you’ll provide a deep comfort, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

This post was originally published July 8, 2023.

From the June 23, 2023 daily mediation from The Henri Nouwen Society

Text excerpts taken from “You are the Beloved” by Henri J.M. Nouwen © 2017 by The Henri Nouwen Legacy Trust. Published by Convergent Books.

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