This post was originally published in November of 2020.
I screwed up.
Recently I was giving a couple of suitcases to a group of houseless neighbors who shelter across the street from our condo (you can read that story here) when a man asked me if I had any socks. I told him I would find some for him. I ordered several ten packs online and a few nights later went down to give them to the man and anyone else who wanted some.
As with the suitcases, the socks were welcomed eagerly by the ten or so people gathered there. As I handed them out, I noticed one young man sitting away from the group. I approached and asked if he’d like some. He nodded and I handed him a pair. Realizing I had one pair left in the bag, I said, “Here’s another,” and tossed it to him.
Within seconds the additional pair was rocketing back at my head.
“I don’t want it,” he said tersely. Startled and embarrassed, I muttered an apology. Retrieving the projectile pair, I laid it by a sleeping couple and left.
As I walked away, I replayed the scene in my head. At first, my embarrassment gave way to mild indignation. The other people had been so grateful. How could that man be so rude after being given a gift?
Then it hit me. He was right to be upset. In tossing him that second pair, I never stopped to think how it would feel to be in his position of needing to accept socks from a stranger. I assumed what he wanted and needed instead of asking. I didn’t give him the respect he deserved.
As much as that exchange stung, the man did me a favor. I’m grateful. He taught me an important lesson, one that will hopefully help me to do better next time.
Reaching out to help others is a wonderful thing. But as you do, remember to put yourself in the place of the person you’re trying to help. Act as you would want someone to act toward you if the situation was reversed. Give each person the dignity they deserve regardless of their circumstances. If you do, you’ll help to build a better world and take another step toward Becoming Yourself.
They’re cheesy. Totally predictable. Usually unrealistic. And sometimes surprisingly wise.
During a recent visit with my parents, we watched a Hallmark movie. For those unfamiliar, these are family friendly, made for TV, romantic movies shown on the Hallmark channel. Classic “boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets girl back” plot lines. Always a happy ending.
In Roadhouse Romance, our heroine, who recently returned to her quaint hometown, was caught in a love triangle with two suitors—the enigmatic big-city stranger and her former long-time sweetheart. In describing her recent date with her old boyfriend, she said, “I’m trying to decide if he’s ballast or baggage. One keeps you grounded, the other holds you back.”
All relationships change over time. Be they romantic, friendship, family, work-related or something else, relationships move like ships on the ocean. Sometimes they plow ahead full throttle, sometimes they drift aimlessly, sometimes they drag their anchors.
When a relationship hits the proverbial rocks, ask yourself this question: is the relationship ballast or baggage? Does it provide you with mental or emotional stability, grounding you deeper into the kind of person you want to be? Does it help you move in the direction of your dreams and goals? Or does the relationship weigh you down? Has it become an anchor that needs to be released in order for you to move on?
Two important things to remember as you wrestle with those questions:
1. People are not objects to be used for personal gain.
We’ve all seen or been victims of people who used a relationship purely for their own temporary advantage. Once they got what they wanted, be it career advancement, sex, a favor, information, etc., they discarded the other person. That is horribly manipulative and damaging and not what I’m talking about here. Nor am I advocating selfishly discarding one’s marriage or family to “find yourself” or because you believe they are “holding you back.” Being honest with yourself and others about your true motivations is key.
2. Many relationships have seasons.
While healthy connections with family members are examples of relationships that act as life-long ballast, others are only meant for a season. They act as ballast in one period of your life but become baggage in another. Many romantic relationships, high school and college friendships, and work-specific connections are of this type. You enter into them with hope and good intentions. For awhile, they are mutually life-giving as you help each other learn and grow.
Then change comes. You discover that you have different values or grow in different directions or you graduate or change jobs or move away. Some of these relationships may survive significant change and continue as wonderful ballast, but those will likely be the exceptions. There is a temptation to cling to a relationship whose season has ended out familiarity, codependency, a desire to avoid conflict, or the fear of being alone. Such a relationship then becomes baggage, hindering you from moving on. Far better to acknowledge that the relationship has run its course, be grateful for the gift it has been to you, and respectfully let it go.
So when you have a relationship that is giving you pause, ask the hard question: is it ballast or baggage? Answer honestly. Seek trusted advice. Then dig in and do the work or graciously bid it farewell. If you do, you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.
When someone challenges or questions my behavior, my immediate reaction is usually to get angry, defensive, and hurt. To deny the critique or blame someone else. But in my better moments, I pause, take a deep breath, and try to see if there’s any truth to it. Often there is. My best personal growth has come from those painful, awkward truth bombs(you can read a personal example here).
I’m about to give a critique. I do so hesitantly, with a deep awareness of my own failings and privilege. I sincerely hope and pray that I don’t mess this up or offend anyone unnecessarily. If I do, I ask your forgiveness. Know that it comes from a place of truly trying to serve the greater good, whether I’m successful or not.
Part of the American psyche is a deep sense of individualism. Of personal rights and freedoms. It helps make our country strong, and I’m a proponent of that. But that individualism only works when balanced with an abiding sense of community, of shared responsibility, of caring for one another, of being willing to sacrifice personally for the good of the whole. That side of the American social equation seems to have withered lately, to our detriment and our shame.
I want to speak to the people not following the COVID-19 safety guidelines. I know you’re tired of coronavirus restrictions. Of wearing masks, social distancing, and avoiding group gatherings. I’m totally with you there. We all are. But realize that your decision to ignore these measures doesn’t just affect you. It affects the people you love most. It affects anyone who comes in contact with you. It affects me.
I haven’t seen my elderly parents in over a year. I understand that’s my personal decision, born out of a desire to keep them safe. But I also haven’t been able to see my twenty-four year old daughter in that same time period because she works in Canada. That country has rightly closed its border to Americans because we’ve done such a horrible job collectively in dealing with coronavirus.
While not seeing her has been difficult, I’m not asking anyone ignoring the safety recommendations to think about me.I’m asking you to think about the exhausted, desperate health care workers who are begging you to honor the guidelines. They aren’t making a politically motivated plea. They’re imploring you to reconsider your choices so you don’t show up on their doorstep asking for their help after you ignored their cries for your help.
These selfless workers have spent the last nine months going through an emotional meat grinder. They are burned out and pushed to their limits from endless weeks of holding the hands of people dying alone from this disease. Their sacrifice deserves to be honored by every one of us, not just with our thanks but with our behavior.
There is a large contingent of people in this country and around the world who still don’t believe that coronavirus is all that serious. That it’s an overblown, left-wing conspiracy. You may be one of them. In response, let me say that I honestly don’t care what your politics are. I have friends and family whom I love and respect all across the political spectrum. My pushback is this – while we are all entitled to our own opinions, we are not entitled to our own facts.
Covid is real. Covid is deadly. The most reliable studies, data, and expert opinions show that masks and social distancing significantly help reduce transmission. If you don’t believe those things, I wish you could speak to my dear friend whom I said a final goodbye to over FaceTime in the hospital because we didn’t know if he’d survive the next few days. I wish you could talk with my other friend who is, nine months later, still dealing with the after effects of spending three weeks on a ventilator. I wish you could sit down with one of the 274,000 families in America who are grieving their dead.
This disease does not affect us all equally. I recognize that I write this from a place of extreme privilege. I live in a nice place with my wife whom I adore. I don’t have to homeschool children, and I’m able to work from home. Many people live in an unhealthy, crowded household, facing gut-wrenching demands that I can’t even imagine. If you’re one of them, my heart goes out to you. The mental, emotional, and financial impact of restrictions and isolation are very real and need to be factored into the equation of our personal response to this unprecedented time.
That said, I personally know too many people who are not in a dire situation who continue to flout the guidelines. Who have either never tried or who have given up. To them, I implore you to reconsider. For the sake of those you love. For everyone around you. For the health care workers. Save yourself the gut-wrenching pain of this disease or the crushing guilt of passing it on to a loved one.
If you do choose to not follow the safety guidelines, I would ask you one favor. Before you post pictures on social media of your crowded, mask-less, indoor holiday gatherings, take a moment to pause. Think of how those images will make health care workers feel. Consider how that post will hit those who are sacrificing their own time with family and friends for the greater good.
Vaccines are coming. The finish line is in sight. I know it’s so hard to keep going, but hold on. Don’t stumble now. Wear your mask. Socially distance. Safeguard yourself and your loved ones for all the holidays to come. Press pause on the big family gathering this year. If you do, you’ll give an incredible gift to everyone this holiday season, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.
