Becoming Yourself

Developing a Better You

Tag: personal development (Page 23 of 86)

The Deep Lesson of Walking Away

February 24, 2024 / / 8 Comments

The deepest lessons take time to learn.

I love my life. My wife is an amazing partner. My kids are grown and thriving. I have a small group of good friends. I have my dream job of being an author. I still encounter stress, frustration, and hard times, but overall, life is good.

As I reflected recently on how I arrived at this wonderful season, I realized a critical factor—what I walked away from was as important as what I walked toward.

My wife and I got married when I was still in college. Knowing what I’d found in her, I chose to walk away from the freedom of single life to walk toward a committed relationship.

We made a conscious decision to have children early. While our friends were having fun, we were changing diapers. We walked away from the more carefree childless life to walk toward long, meaningful years of investing deeply in our kids. 

Given the flexibility of our author careers, my wife and I can live anywhere. We enjoy travel and have seen a lot of wonderful places. When we chose where to plant roots a few years ago, we decided to move not to the most beautiful place we could go, but to the place where we had deep friendships. We walked away from novelty to walk toward relationships.

After decades of hard work, I had a comfortable music career. It was easy and fun, with low responsibility. But it didn’t challenge or excite me anymore, and it tied me to a strict rehearsal and performance schedule. I walked away from comfortable familiarity to walk toward a new, high-risk author career.

Saying no to good things made room for better things. What I walked away from was as important as what I walked toward.

I’m learning to love the sound of my feet walking away from things not meant for me.

a.g.

What do you need to walk away from? Maybe it’s a relationship that has become more baggage than ballast. Maybe it’s a career that’s grown stagnant. Maybe it’s a superficial sense of freedom. Picture the life you’d truly love to live. Look honestly at each area of your life now. Decide what you need to walk away from in order to walk toward something better. If you do, you’ll find deeper meaning and joy, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself. 

The post was originally published Aug 20, 2022.

Want a Smoother Life Journey? Name the Wind

February 10, 2024 / / 0 Comments

I recently watched a feather dance on the breeze.

It was the movement that caught my eye. A glint of white controlled by invisible strings, dipping right, then left, soaring one moment and diving the next. It was all the more noticeable because the day seemed perfectly calm. There was not a hint of wind that I could detect. Yet the flight of this feather proved otherwise.

It made me think about my own life. How often am I affected by unseen forces, the movements of my life influenced by things I can’t see? That I’m oblivious to? Forgotten hurts from my past. Deeply buried trauma. Unresolved conflicts. Unfulfilled dreams. Unrealized expectations. They all push and pull me, buffeting my perspective, my attitude, my emotions, my mood. How quick am I to notice the way they shape my day-to-day life experience?

These forces are inevitable. The path of life doesn’t always run smoothly. There are unseen realities we all must endure. I believe the goal is to pause long enough to recognize them. Stare them in the face. Drag them into the sunlight. Admit their influence. Ask the hard question that author, speaker, and pastor Andy Stanley often poses: “Is this a problem to be solved or a tension to be managed?” Solve the problems you can through counseling, therapy, meditation, prayer, study, or sharing with a trusted friend. Learn to manage the tensions that must be maintained, the forces that will affect your path for the rest of your life. Choose to embrace opposing influences and appreciate their competing strengths and weaknesses.

If you do, you’ll find a smoother, more enjoyable journey, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

This post was originally published September 11, 2021.

A Counterintuitive Path to Happiness—Embrace Suffering

January 27, 2024 / / 0 Comments

I’ve always been fearful.

Along with my childhood fear of our creepy basement and my perfectly rational fear of sharks, a constant nemesis has been my fear of suffering. I hate it. I usually try to avoid it as much as possible and end it as quickly as I can.

But what if suffering is not only unavoidable but necessary for my happiness? 

The tendency to run away from suffering is there in every one of us. We think that by seeking pleasure we’ll avoid suffering. But this doesn’t work. It stunts our growth and our happiness. Happiness isn’t possible without understanding, compassion, and love. And love is not possible if we don’t understand our suffering and the other person’s suffering.

Getting in touch with suffering will help us cultivate compassion and love. Without understanding and love we can’t be happy, and we can’t make other people happy. We all have the seeds of compassion, forgiveness, joy, and nonfear in us. If we’re constantly trying to avoid suffering, there is no way for these seeds to grow.

Thich Nhat Hanh, Your True Home: The Everyday Wisdom of Thich Nhat Hanh

I was raised in the Christian tradition. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to include wisdom from other faiths into my beliefs, along with insight from non-faith-based worldviews. It has expanded, strengthened, and clarified my perspective, while showing me that many traditions say similar things in different ways. 

The above quote by master Buddhist teacher Thich Nhat Hanh is one of those insights shared across wisdom traditions—a life dedicated to the avoidance of personal suffering will not lead to happiness. Happiness is a by-product of a life well lived, including meaningful work and helping to alleviate the suffering of others.

This doesn’t mean we should seek suffering. Suffering has a way of finding us without our help. Ending our unnecessary or self-induced suffering is a worthy endeavor. But a life committed to avoiding suffering is doomed to produce anxiety not peace, fear not contentment, emptiness not meaning, sadness not hope. Consider our relationships, physical health, and careers—if we avoid hard conversations, uncomfortable workouts, and studying or practicing for our profession, the results will be disastrous and not produce the happiness we’re looking for.

So find your passion. Help others. Live with purpose. Face the suffering that your intentional living brings. You’ll experience greater peace, contentment, and joy, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself. 

Text excerpt from Your True Home: The Everyday Wisdom of Thich Nhat Hanh by Thich Nhat Hanh, p 81, compiled and edited by Melvin McLeod, Shambhala Publications 2011

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