Becoming Yourself

Developing a Better You

Tag: personal growth (Page 2 of 62)

A Simple Way to Help a Loved One in Pain

September 28, 2024 / / 2 Comments

I’m a fixer.

In response to a frustration, hurt, or problem in a loved one’s life, my first instinct is to fix it. To solve it. To make it go away.

But for some of the deepest struggles in life, there is no fix. No solve. No solution. There is only acceptance. Endurance. Embracing. Sharing. Supporting. This is where real love and true friendship are shown. 

When we honestly ask ourselves which persons in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not-knowing, not-curing, not-healing, and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is the friend who cares.

henri nouwen

When a friend is struggling, it gives me hope knowing I don’t have to have sage advice or just the right words of comfort. What matters most is my willingness to walk the dark road beside them.

So when a loved one is in pain, simply show up. Be there. Embrace the silence. Admit that you don’t know what you don’t know. If you do, you’ll provide a deep comfort, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

This post was originally published July 8, 2023.

From the June 23, 2023 daily mediation from The Henri Nouwen Society

Text excerpts taken from “You are the Beloved” by Henri J.M. Nouwen © 2017 by The Henri Nouwen Legacy Trust. Published by Convergent Books.

Leonard thinks he's a lapdog

Are You Fluid Like Water or Fixed Like Stone?

September 21, 2024 / / 0 Comments

I’ve been getting frustrated.

My wife Lisa and I have been pet sitting for our daughter and son-in-law for about a week. One cat, Mama, is an angel, while their other cat, PeePee, hates me with a passion. She frequently greets me with a hiss and a swipe of her claws. Their older dog Otis is a little Maltipoo. He can be a drama king, but he’s a lovable charmer and fairly easy to care for.

And then there’s Leonard. At six months old and nearly sixty pounds, this Bernedoodle is a handful. Imagine a giant toddler with fangs who’s strong enough to bowl you over.

Leonard’s paw-to-hand ratio

Don’t get me wrong. I love Leonard. He’s goofy and fluffy and affectionate and playful and smart. He’s going to be an amazing adult dog. But right now he’s a puppy with no concept of his size and strength and a maw like a Great White. He needs almost constant attention to keep him from inadvertently destroying the house, himself, or us.

I love and thrive in routine. I get up, do my stretches and workout, make my tea and have my quiet time of meditation, reflection, and prayer. Lisa and I take our walk, then we dive into our work for the morning until 1:00 pm when we break for lunch and a few hours of creativity-replenishing reality TV. We round out the day with a late afternoon into early evening work session before going to bed early to read and play on our computers. 

Leonard is having none of it. He has his own schedule, thank you very much. But I can be stubborn and obtuse, so I’ve been trying to make Leonard work with my routine. I know that sounds idiotic, but when in the midst of a storm, sometimes my vision is cloudy.

Leonard is a force of nature, unyielding, with aspects beyond my control. My attempts to live my normal routine with him in the mix has only led to mounting frustration. Something has to change, and at this stage of his life, it isn’t going to be Leonard.

So Lisa and I have created a new routine that works with Leonard instead of fighting against him—shifting my quiet time, our lunch schedule, our TV watching. Splitting up watch duties instead of both of us being “on” during all his waking hours. Trying to become fluid like water vs fixed like stone. 

We’re in the midst of the change now, and the early results are promising. I’m already more relaxed, less stressed, and getting more done.

When life hands you a challenge you can’t avoid, adapt. Change your schedule, routine, and expectations to work with the new element vs against it. Shift your rigidity. Be fluid like water, not fixed like stone. If you do, you’ll find renewed peace and productivity, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

The Counterintuitive Benefits of Mindfulness

August 31, 2024 / / 0 Comments

It’s completely counterintuitive. 

I’ve written about my efforts to live and work more “unhurriedly” before. It’s the idea that working slower and more deliberately with greater focus and attention produces a better outcome than faster-paced work. A little like “slow and steady wins the race,” but with an emphasis on mindfulness, which dictionary.com defines as:  

a technique in which one focuses one’s full attention only on the present, experiencing thoughts, feelings, and sensations but not judging them.

World-respected Buddhist practitioner and teacher Thich Nhat Hanh described mindfulness this way:

Mindful living is an art. You do not have to be a monk or live in a monastery to practice mindfulness. You can practice it anytime, while driving your car or doing housework. Driving in mindfulness will make the time in your car joyful, and it will also help you avoid accidents. You can use the red traffic light as a signal of mindfulness, reminding you to stop and enjoy your breathing. Similarly, when you do the dishes after dinner, you can practice mindful breathing so the time of dish washing is pleasant and meaningful. Do not feel you have to rush. If you hurry, you waste the time of dish washing. The time you spend washing dishes and doing all your other everyday tasks is precious. It is time for being alive. When you practice mindful living, peace will bloom during your daily activities.

thich nhat hanh, your true home, entry 29

The success of my attempts to practice mindfulness is mixed. It’s a completely different mindset for me. I’ve spent decades learning how to work faster, more efficiently, to fill all the gaps, to multitask, with a drive to cross as many things off my to-do list as possible. Yet when I manage to achieve this mindfulness approach, I’m shocked to find that:

1. I get MORE work done

2. I get BETTER work done

3. I ENJOY my work more

4. I feel RELAXED and PEACEFUL at the end of the day vs exhausted and harried

What is your normal pace of daily life? Is it characterized by striving attack or gentle grace? Pause regularly. Gaze out the window. Take a few deep breaths. Chat briefly with a friend, loved one, or co-worker. Make an extra cup of tea. Move with thoughtfulness and attention. If you do, you’ll experience a boost in both peace and productivity as you take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

This post was originally published on June 17, 2023.

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