Developing a Better You

Tag: relationships (Page 2 of 2)

5 Practical Steps to Real Community

Becoming yourself takes courage. After my last post (Becoming Yourself Together) on the importance of authentic community, a reader reached out to me with a question. He said he’s been going through a really difficult season and had stepped away from some important relationships in his life. The challenge to pursue authentic community hit him hard, and he asked for some practical advice on how to reengage. That took courage. Courage both to acknowledge his need for change and to reach out for help. He definitely has my respect. 

For him and any others with that same question, here are some practical ideas on how to engage in community:

1.  Ask Your Higher Power – if this isn’t your thing, no problem. Move on to the next step. If you have one, start by asking your higher power for help and guidance in finding community. For me, that has meant talking with God about my desire for life-giving, authentic relationships and asking for His direction.

2.  Be Intentional – put yourself in situations where community has a chance to develop. Go to neighborhood gatherings. Join a team. Take a class. Volunteer with an organization. Plug into a church. Try a meetup.com group that sounds interesting to you. Eat lunch with co-workers. Go where people are and engage with them. Introduce yourself. Ask them about their lives.

Sitting in your living room waiting for community to happen isn’t going to work. Even though I’m an introvert, I stop and introduce myself to neighbors while out running. Take cookies to new people who move into my area. Volunteer regularly with a charitable organization. Play in a band at a church. Initiate monthly gatherings with some author friends. Schedule poker nights. Through all these efforts, I’ve been able to find really wonderful community. Life is busy. People are busy. If you don’t step up and initiate connections, it probably wont happen. Make time for the things that are important. 

3.  Give First – authentic community takes time, effort and sacrifice. Sometimes it starts by you giving first. Offer to help a co-worker move. Lend a hand to a neighbor landscaping their yard. Volunteer with a charitable organization you believe in. Do what someone else wants to do when they want to do it. Look for ways to help others. As you do, you’ll spend time with people which allows potential relationships to form or deepen. When they do, you’ll probably start finding yourself on the receiving end as your new friends give back to you.

4.  Be Vulnerable – real, life-giving relationships require vulnerability. If all you talk about with people is sports and the weather, you’ll be stuck with shallow acquaintances. For authentic community to develop, you’ve got to open up. Share the hard stuff. Admit your struggles. Talk about your real feelings. It’s intimidating, risky, and scary, I know, but when I’ve taken the first step and shown my willingness to “go there”, I’ve found that people usually reciprocate. A few examples:

a. My wife Lisa and I get together regularly with a few other author couples to hang out, have dinner, and talk about the ups and downs of author life. One evening, we went to a new level of community when I chose to share my story. I told them about the significant events in my life that had shaped me as a person, both good and bad. The beautiful thing is that I was not only completely loved, accepted and supported by them, but that we have started taking turns with a different person sharing their story each time we get together. We now have a deeper intimacy and trust in our friendships. 

b. I’ve had an accountability partner for over 15 years. A friend I meet with regularly to talk about life. Someone I open up to. Share my struggles with. Tell them the kind of person I want to be and ask for their help. Give them permission to ask me hard questions and speak into my life. It’s an incredible, tank-filling relationship. I was invited into this by my first accountability partner, and I learned about the power of this kind of relationship. When my job took me to a new state, I asked one of my new work friends to take on that role. When he moved away a few years later, I asked a different friend if he would step up. Over ten years, that partnership has become second only to my relationships with God and my wife and kids. Our lunches are one of the highlights of my week. I have that relationship because I asked for it. I admitted that I need help to become the kind of person I want to be and discovered that he desired the same thing.

5.  Maintain – once achieved, community won’t just coast on auto-pilot. Like a regular oil change is required to keep your car running smoothly, authentic relationships require attention. Ignore them and they will start to fade. Don’t let this happen to you! You did all the work – enjoy the fruits of your labor. Give regular time and consideration to your meaningful relationships, and they will pay huge dividends. 

So how about it? Do you have authentic community? Which of these steps do you need to take to find or develop real, life-giving relationships? Decide to make that effort today. If you do, you’ll take another huge step toward Becoming Yourself. 

Deep Calls to Deep: Take 4 Minutes to Feed Your Soul

Feed Your Soul: Fuel GaugeI never forget to eat. When I wake up in the morning, then around noon, and again in the evening, my growling stomach reminds me that my body needs food. Consistently filling my physical tank comes pretty easily, but I often loose sight of the fact that I have other tanks as well. An emotional tank. A relational tank. A spiritual tank.

Like my physical tank sends hunger pangs when it needs attention, my other tanks send warning signs too. They tend to be more subtle so I need to pay attention in order to catch them. Unfortunately, I sometimes get so busy crossing things off my to do list or running from one commitment to another that I ignore the flares they’re sending up. Before I know it, I’m feeling burned out, anxious or depressed.

Feed Your Soul: DryI recently sensed a dryness in my spiritual tank during an intense week I spent finishing the rough draft of my first novel. The work was going well but left me feeling drained. After running some errands, I had just gotten back to the apartment where my wife Lisa and I were staying for our writing retreat. I was about to dive back into the book when I sensed a warning bell going off. My spiritual tank needed filling. I decided to listen.

Feed Your Soul: Art GalleryChanging my plans, I left the apartment and walked down to a local art gallery. I spent the next half hour just soaking in the beauty of paintings and sculpture. Something about the nature of art has a spiritual component that feeds my soul. I’ve learned that for my spiritual tank to be filled, I need to regularly focus on things that are beautiful. Prayer, spiritual writings, silence and solitude, and spirit-focused gatherings are all helpful too, but taking in beauty is a key practice for me. I left the gallery feeling recharged and at peace.

Feed Your Soul: Loch Lomond

Loch Lomond, Scotland

That trip to the art gallery was a meal for my soul but sometimes I only have time for a snack. I recently found a bite-sized piece of beauty that I’d like to share with you. It’s a music video by a cappella artist Peter Hollens that’s been making the rounds on social media lately. It’s a stunning version of the old Scottish folk song “Loch Lomond.” Something about listening to this haunting melody performed with such skill and passion awakens a beautiful ache in my soul. It stirs a longing and a hope inside of me. “Deep calls to deep” penned a poet in the Bible (see Psalm 42:7 below). This piece of art is a reflection of the deep beauty and mystery in the universe, and it resonates with the beauty and mystery deep in me.

Feed Your Soul: BeautyWhat feeds your soul? What type of beauty fills your spiritual tank? Maybe it’s a walk in nature or listening to moving music or viewing great art. Whatever it is, I encourage you to start by taking 4 minutes to watch this video. Maybe it wont connect with you the way it does with me, but either way, let it serve as a reminder to pay attention to the signals your spiritual tank is sending you. Or maybe it’s your emotional or relational tank that’s running on empty. Learn what fuels them all and schedule regular times to fill up. If you do, you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

Psalm 42

Feed Your Soul: StreamsAs the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, my God.

My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?

My tears have been my food
day and night,
while people say to me all day long,
“Where is your God?”

These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go to the house of God
under the protection of the Mighty One
with shouts of joy and praise
among the festive throng.

Feed Your Soul: WaterfallsWhy, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.

Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.

Feed Your Soul: WaterfallsBy day the Lord directs his love,
at night his song is with me—
a prayer to the God of my life.

I say to God my Rock,
“Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?”

My bones suffer mortal agony
as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
“Where is your God?”

Feed Your Soul: StarsWhy, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

From the New International Version of the Bible

How to Be Happy (Part 3): Applying “Choose to Embrace It All”

In my last post, I told the conclusion of my recent real life ghost story. Along with it, I shared something that adventure taught me about finding happiness – choose to embrace it all. In this post, I’ll unpack that idea further.

Throughout my ghost hunting experience, choosing to embrace it all meant focusing on the good and joyful aspects of each step. That doesn’t mean I denied the exertion and the injuries of the search or my disappointment at the commonplace explanation of the light’s source. It means I chose to focus on the child-like wonder during the search phase and the feeling of accomplishment in the unmasking phase.

It makes me think of the parenting approach my wife, Lisa, and I tried to take with our kids. Every season of child raising had its challenges but they each had their joys too. We did our imperfect best to embrace it all, in every season, finding the good and the wonder at each stage. Diapers and sleepless nights were hard but holding a sleeping infant was amazing. The teen years brought worries and challenges galore but it was awesome to have real conversations with our kids and watch them grow into thoughtful young adults.

My feet in Santorini, Greece

When they left the house for good (they are 24 and 21 now), we let ourselves be sad for about week and then took a trip to Greece with friends to celebrate becoming empty nesters. In those parenting years, choosing to embrace it all led to happiness not by denying the reality of the difficulties but by finding and focusing on the good and joyful aspects of each step.

Think of the seasons. Each has things you could complain about. The muddy sludge and allergies of spring. The heat and humidity of summer. The impending doom that hangs over autumn. The cold and darkness of winter. But each has amazing things as well. The new life and promise of spring. The sunshine and recreation of summer. The crispness and beauty of autumn. The stillness and snow covered wonder of winter. Which will you choose to focus on?

Some clarification on this point. Obviously, not everything in your life is equally enjoyable or offers the same degree of potential happiness. Right now some of you are going through terrible trials and struggles. In no way do I mean to minimize your pain. What I’m saying is that even the hardest things we face provide an opportunity for something good. During college I learned some horrible news that I knew would affect me deeply for many years. While I was devastated and grieving, I found a spark of hope underneath it all, a quiet excitement that came from knowing that going through this journey could make me a better, stronger person if I let it. That experience was one of the lowest and most difficult seasons of my life but I am so grateful for the things I learned and who I became through it. I did my best to embrace it all.

What does applying this idea look like in your life? Here’s a couple examples:

1. If you struggle to find happiness at work, an obvious though often challenging first step is to consider moving toward a more fulfilling career. In the meantime, try to celebrate that you get to be productive, help provide for yourself and your family, be a positive influence on your co-workers, and hopefully do something meaningful.

2. If you’re having a hard time finding happiness in your relationships, first make sure they are healthy and have proper boundaries. Then choose to embrace the time you have with family and friends, roommates and co-workers. Look for and focus on the good in every person you know. Try to savor the relationships in your life, even when it’s difficult, knowing that they will likely change or end more quickly than you think.

We all want to be happy. Life is filled with obstacles to fulfilling that desire and we need to find a variety of ways to overcome them. Choosing to embrace it all is just one approach that’s been helpful for me. Look for the good, the beautiful, and the joyful in every season. Choose to embrace it all. If you do, you’ll take another happy step toward Becoming Yourself.
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Spiritual Sidebar (for those of you with a spiritual bent): My belief in and relationship with God definitely helps me “choose to embrace it all.” Here’s a verse from the Bible that relates to this idea:

I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.
          Philippians 4:12-13 (New Living Translation)

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