Developing a Better You

Tag: true self (Page 21 of 26)

Find Your Sweet Spot: Supercharge Your Personal Growth by Balancing Action and Contemplation

Day and night. Work and play. Hot and cold. Love and hate. Sorrow and joy. Sun and rain. Vegetables and cheesecake. It’s a lesson that’s built into nearly every aspect of life. The world we live in is made up of a series of balanced opposites, holding each other in necessary, life-giving tension. It’s a dance, a system of give and take, of harmony, one we fight against at our peril. If any one of these couplets become too one-sided, our life becomes out of balance and bad things are the result.

So what does this have to do with personal development? In order to become the person we want to be, we must balance ACTION and CONTEMPLATION. My philosophy teaching father always says when discussing something important, “define your terms”. So what do I mean by “action” and “contemplation” in regards to personal development?

ACTION – this is our “outer work.” It’s taking our love for others and our gratitude for the good things in our lives and turning them into activities that help people in practical, meaningful ways. 

CONTEMPLATION – this is our “inner work.” It’s having the courage to look honestly at who we really are and engage in practices that help us grow. 

As you read those definitions, which did you identify with most strongly? We all have a natural leaning one way or the other. I personally gravitate more toward contemplation. I set aside time every morning for reflection, meditation, prayer, and personal growth reading. I enjoy introspection, trying to figure out who I am and how I’m wired. But I struggle with action. I feel deeply for other people’s suffering, but it takes intentionality and effort to step outside of myself to act on those feelings. Both are necessary, but it’s hard to find the balance.

So what does it look like to live with a healthy balance of ACTION and CONTEMPLATION? Sometimes examining the life of someone we admire can help. Pick your favorite example. Maybe it’s Martin Luther King Jr. or Gandhi or Mother Teresa. Maybe it’s a parent, a friend, or a favorite aunt. How do (did) they strike this balance in their lives? What can you learn from them?

My favorite example is Jesus. Regardless of your beliefs on his divinity, I think there’s a lot we can all learn from how he lived. The first four books of the Bible’s New Testament (Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John) paint an amazing picture of the way Jesus balanced action and contemplation. His ministry was filled with practical actions of healing the sick, teaching those who were searching for direction, training his disciples, challenging corrupt systems, and caring for the poor. At the same time, he regularly spent time away from the crowds to study, reflect, and pray (as a boy in the temple in Luke 2:41-51, forty days in the wilderness in Matthew 4:1-11, after feeding five thousand people in John 6:14-15, etc.).

So when it comes to balancing ACTION and CONTEMPLATION in your life, what’s one thing you can do to develop the side that’s less natural to you?

If it’s ACTION, maybe you need to step out and volunteer for a cause you believe in. Try a school or a food bank or a club or a church. Go alone or grab a friend or a group from work. Use volunteermatch.org to find opportunities near you searchable by area of interest and commitment level. I’ve used it to volunteer at food banks, a low income housing center, an event connecting homeless people with support organizations, a mens shelter, making heat relief kits, and delivering furniture to people coming out of homelessness. It may take you awhile to find your fit, but stick with it. Trial and error is part of the process.

If it’s CONTEMPLATION, try starting to have a dedicated time for reflection. In the morning, during your lunch break, before bed, whenever you can be consistent. Start like I did many years ago with the “2 / 2 / 2 Plan.” Spend two minutes in silent meditation / reflection, two minutes praying (if you believe in a higher power), and two minutes on some kind of personal development reading (a personal development book or blog, a Bible reading plan like YouVersion, a daily email like The Center for Action and Contemplation, etc.). Once you get in the habit, you can slowly increase over time to “3 / 3 / 3”, “5 / 5 / 5,” etc. Journaling is another great way to spend your reflection and / or prayer time. Use a Word doc, a simple notepad, or a guided journal like A Happier Mind Journal. 

One of the amazing things about action and contemplation is that they have a symbiotic relationship where each feeds the other. I learn about myself and find healing through the ACTION of serving others. I’m most effective at serving others from the place of self-knowledge and wholeness gained through CONTEMPLATION. There’s no perfect balance to this. There will be seasons when it’s best to focus on action and others when you need more time in contemplation. That’s normal and okay. This is a lesson to work on for a lifetime. 

So which side of ACTION and CONTEMPLATION needs your attention? Complete one small step toward balance today. Take the long view. Give yourself grace. If you do, you’ll be that much closer to Becoming Yourself.

What I Learned From a Walk in the Park: Be Flexible and Open

Our favorite walking place – Desert Arroyo Park in Mesa, AZ

The morning started off like any other. I had just finished stretching and was about to do my normal routine of prayer, meditation, and personal growth reading before my wife Lisa and I took our walk in a nearby park. Then she threw the curveball: “Can we go for our walk now before it gets too hot?”

I paused. This was not the plan. However, as we live in Phoenix and the temperature was predicted to hit 115 degrees that day, the request seemed a reasonable one. “Sure,” I said. “I’m flexible.” Her immediate reply? “No, you’re not.”

My first instinct was to contradict her. I could feel myself get defensive. But then I decided to be honest. “You’re right,” I said. “I’m not. But that’s something I need to work on.”

So I switched mental gears, and we headed off to the park. As we were taking our walk, I was given another opportunity to be flexible. I started processing aloud some of the big decisions we were wrestling with, like whether or not to move and which retirement investments to pursue. I asked her questions, and she answered me but without a lot of enthusiasm. I missed the cues she was sending and continued talking. Finally Lisa said, “Look, I really just want to play some Pokemon here.” (Apparently, I’m not the only one who needs to work on being flexible. But I digress.)

Two important things to note at this point in the story:

1. Lisa is very smart and normally very engaged in our discussions about important issues. 

2. Lisa takes her PokemonGo playing very seriously (for those of you in the know, she’s a level 38 trainer – enough said).

Finally realizing that her expectations for what we would do during our walk were different than mine, I said, “ Well, I’m just going to go for my run then.” She thought that was a great idea (no surprise there) so off I went. As I ran, I began to think, reflect on life, and pray. When I finished running, I sat on a bench and read my personal development daily emails (from Richard Rohr at Center for Action and Contemplation and John Eldredge at Ransomed Heart ) while I waited for her to finish her walk.

As I sat there, I realized the whole situation had actually worked out great. Lisa got to do what she wanted to do, and I had stumbled onto a new way to do my morning routine. The change of method and the new venue made it feel fresh, and I discovered that it fit really well when combined with our daily walk.

Here are a few things I learned from that experience:

1. I need other people to speak into my life – Lisa brought up something that I needed to work on – being flexible. As hard as it was to admit, she was right. I’m a very routine driven person with a strong expectations of how things should go. Those traits can be strengths but at a certain point they become weaknesses. I had to be open to her critique, fight the urge to be defensive, and look at myself honestly. When I did, I put myself in a position to grow. I need to give people I trust permission to speak into my life and welcome it when they do. It’s painful but very necessary if I’m going to become who I want to be.

2.  I need to be more flexible – This isn’t my natural inclination. When I find something I like or that works for me, I tend to stick with it until I’m forced to change. But I’ve found that when I’m flexible and break out of my routines, good stuff tends to happen. I learn new things. I have cool experiences. I meet interesting people. And I sometimes find new habits and routines that are more efficient, effective and / or enjoyable than my old ones.

Life is a great teacher if we just pay attention. Things happen everyday that we can learn from if we train ourselves to be observant. To take a moment to reflect. To ask questions like “What just happened here? What can I learn about myself from this?”

So how about you? Are you inviting people to speak into your life? Give one person that permission today. Are you flexible and willing to try new things? Look for an opportunity to change your routine today. Are you open to the lessons life has to teach you? Take a moment to reflect on something you experience today. If you do, you’ll take another huge step toward Becoming Yourself.

An Overlooked Key to Personal Growth: Find Your Future in Your Past

My parents’ house

It started as a quick run to the drug store. I was visiting my parents in the small Michigan town where I grew up. The drive to Rite Aid took me past an old cemetery where I used ride my bike as a kid. Maybe it was just nostalgia, but I spontaneously decided to pull in.

I parked my dad’s van and started walking around the cemetery grounds. Stood at my grandparents’ grave marker. Lingered beneath the towering statue of Jesus that I used to gaze at in wonder. Strolled along the river where my best friend and I went canoeing. Wandered by the pond where my mom took me and my sisters to feed the ducks.

Where I lived until age nine

Back in the van, I continued on until I found myself going by the house where I lived until age nine. I pulled over to the side of the road and was surprised how little it had changed. I remembered playing Kick the Can in the front yard with the neighborhood kids. The scratchy red couch in the living room. Listening to Bay City Rollers records in my sisters’ bedroom.

The site of my kindergarten playground

My final stop was my old elementary school. I got out and walked the empty  playground. Remembered being bullied by some older kids. Falling off the swing set and breaking my nose. My first stolen kiss behind the blackboard.

The grave marker of my grandparents Earl and Virginia McMann

I pulled back onto the road thinking about growing up in this town. How it shaped me. How my experiences here impacted who I am. It reminded me of a simple but profound truth – to get where I want to go, I have to remember where I’ve been. 

My childhood dog Skipper, painted by my mom

As someone interested in personal development, I often think about who I want to become. I look in the mirror to assess where I’m at and devise plans to reach my goals. Those are good and necessary aspects of personal growth, but if I only focus on the present (who I am) and the future (who I want to become), then I’m missing a step. To successfully move toward a better version of myself, I also need to remember the past (who I was). Where I’ve been. What I’ve experienced. My triumphs and tragedies. The breakthroughs and heartbreaks. The joys I wish I could relive and the pain I’d pay dearly to forget.

This process of looking back is critical because it helps me see why I am the way I am. It shows me which aspects of myself I need to focus on. What struggles and pitfalls might trip me up. Sorting through what I carry with me from my past shines a clarifying light on the obstacles that I need to overcome in my present. Things I need to address if I’m to become who I want to be in my future.

Me with my sisters Shannon and Holli in 1972

So take the time to look back. Wander the town where you grew up. Flip through childhood photos or your high school yearbook. Read old letters or journal entries. Spend time with family and friends who influenced your earlier stages. Reflect on who you were then and how the experiences you had impact who you are now. Let that knowledge light the path that leads to who you want to be. If you do, you’ll take another great step toward Becoming Yourself.

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