We were sitting in my car when a new friend told me he was gay. That was almost twenty years ago in a small, conservative town. In general, it was a time and place that viewed homosexuality negatively.
I thanked him for his vulnerability and trust. We started hanging out more often. My wife and I had him and his partner over for dinner. We played board games. Our young kids started calling them both “uncle.”
The time we spent together increased my empathy and reminded me of an important truth – we’re all just people. Despite our wide variety of differences, in the end we all have value and worth, hopes and dreams, problems and struggles.
The root of so many of the divisive issues in our society today seems to come from “othering.” People see other races, religions, sexual orientations, political parties, economic classes, or gender identities and focus on the differences instead of the common humanity. It’s so easy to suffer from an “empathy gap.”
So how can people bridge that gap? While nothing compares to the firsthand experience of sharing life with someone, books can serve as incredible mirrors and windows. They can help us findourselvesreflected on the page and also allow us to see into the lives of others who have different life experiences. Reading can be a wonderful way to gain the empathy that doesn’t come from a simple intellectual acknowledgement of another person’s worth or struggles.
As an aspiring children’s author, I read a lot of wonderful books targeted at younger readers. Here are three highly recommend books that helped to increase my empathy (you can watch my YouTube recommendation video of them here or at the end of this post):
1. New Kid by Jerry Craft
This is a graphic novel about Jordan, a black seventh-grade student who transfers to a predominately white school. Racial equality and the Black Lives Matter movement are among today’s most important and dominate social issues. With New Kid, Jerry Craft does a masterful job of putting a relatable face and lovable heart to this topic.
Also a graphic novel, this is a narrative memoire of author Cece Bell’s real-life childhood experiences with hearing loss. Her words, actions, thoughts, and feelings are humorously and painfully authentic. You really feel like you’re inside Cece’s head and heart as she navigates the challenges of being nearly deaf in a hearing world.
This is a story about a transgender girl struggling to understand and share her identity. Alex Gino paints a powerful, relatable, intimate portrait of George, a student who comes to embrace her true self and find her voice. It’s honest, engaging, and hopeful. I read it in one sitting. This is an important book that shines light on an important topic in an easily digestible way.
We live in a fractured world. Each of us actively taking steps to bridge our natural empathy gaps will foster unity and healing. Read these entertaining and important books or others like them. Use them as tools to discuss these topics with your kids or others in your life. If you do, you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.
* Using the Bookshop.org affiliate links provided will support independent bookstores and provide me with a small commission all at NO additional charge to you.
TO WATCH MY RECOMMENDATION VIDEO OF THESE BOOKS, CLICK THE IMAGE BELOW!
Since the following post was originally published in November of 2018, it has been one of the most popular here at Becoming Yourself. Given that many of us are streaming a lot more media in these days of the coronavirus, I thought it was a good time to share it again. Also, I started a YouTube channel focusing on book recommendations, writing advice, and personal development that I’m really excited about! You can check it out HERE. I hope you find both resources enjoyable and helpful.
Once upon a time…
It was a dark and stormy night…
Call me Ishmael…
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…
In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit…
How do you feel as you read these famous opening lines? I get a tingle of excitement and anticipation. Why? Because I LOVE stories. I believe most of us do. We seem to be hard-wired as humans to be respond deeply to a well-told story. A lecturer once said, “If I want to say something really important, I tell a story.” Even Jesus used stories as his main method of teaching. Stories speak important truths about ourselves and the world in ways that entertain, inspire, challenge, and remain embedded in our memories.
That’s why I’m excited to introduce a new friend to you. His name is Khemit Bailey, a fellow writer and blogger who understands the power of fictional tales. He specializes in helping people use movies as tools to help them tell their own story. We each have a story to tell, and as the famous poet Maya Angelou said, “There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you.” So when Khemit said he was willing to do a guest post on Becoming Yourself, I jumped at the chance. I hope you’ll find his words as inspiring and challenging as I have, and that they will help you on your journey toward Becoming Yourself. Enjoy!
“The whole universe depends on everything fitting together just right.” Hushpuppy, Beasts of the Southern Wild
So there I was, sitting in a dark movie theatre with my best friend watching the film Beasts of the Southern Wild in 2012. The movie ended, and the house lights came up. I immediately stumbled over my friend in a rush to get to the bathroom.
Once safely there in the confines of the stall, I immediately found myself shaking and sobbing uncontrollably, but not for the reasons one might normally do so in a bathroom stall. No, my tears were from the pure, unadulterated resonance I felt with the film. There was a little sadness, a little joy, but mainly a deep and fulfilling inspiration.
It wasn’t the first time I’d cried in a movie, but it might have been the first time I asked myself a question whose answer might not be as obvious as it seems: Why??
What is happening when you are moved so strongly by a movie or a piece of fiction?
One answer might be that your empathy for the characters has overwhelmed you… and that may be true. Another answer might be that the technical harmony of the movie (acting, directing, soundtrack, etc.) all drove you towards an emotional climax… and that’s probably not wrong either. But both of those answers are incomplete.
The role of our deeply personal resonance with stories can’t be ignored. Film (and fiction of all kinds) evolved with our emotions in mind. The stories that play themselves out on screens across the world all attempt to gain proximity to our fundamental human nature: the thing inside of us that yearns, strives, and searches endlessly for meaning.
But it isn’t just a generic thing that resides in all of us in the exact same way. If that were the case, every single person would cry at the exact same movies and scenes, and movie theaters would be even more intense places to be.
No, we all seem to resonate with the specific aspects of movies that speak to us on an individual level. We see reflections of ourselves in the stories that surround us. The stronger the link to our unique emotional worlds the stronger the resonance, like tuning forks vibrating in time with each other.
“Someday it’s all gonna be on you.” Hushpuppy, Beasts of the Southern Wild
That day in 2012 when I fled to a theater restroom to sob over a movie I’d just seen was not long after I’d gone back to school in the US after an extended and tumultuous 3 year excursion abroad. I was still adapting to life back in the States and things were not going well. I couldn’t keep my grades up, and my social life was nonexistent. I was failing and just couldn’t seem to adapt to the new environment. What’s worse, I didn’t feel like there was anywhere I belonged.
At that time in my life, and many time since, a well-told story about a little girl’s sojourn into unknown lands in search of secret knowledge was like a lightning rod for my emotions. Every scene felt packed with some secret significance meant only for me. I felt like the world was shifting into alignment around me; I felt like I wasn’t alone in my fear and wonder at the mysteries of life.
Certain things stood out to me: The hero of the movie seemed powerless in a chaotic world. The forces of man and nature seemed rallied against her. She had one point of control in all the world: herself. And we, the audience, followed her awash in hope and fear.
As the story spun itself out, I could feel myself resonating strongly with all the impactful scenes that spoke to me personally, and especially with the little heroine confronting her fears one by one. I started paying close attention to what I was feeling as I was watching that film. I’ve continued to do so for the thousands of films since. Instead of paying attention to what the characters felt as I used to, I started paying attention to what they did in response to those feelings: the things that made me respect them.
The characters I’d admired so strongly over the years reflected an ideal back at me: a compiled, but singular pattern of action aimed at overcoming adversity. It was a pattern I could also see in real life when I paid attention. It involved facing fears, taking action, asking for help, and the myriad other things we know but often ignore.
That single pattern of action, a single character composed of all the others, was alive inside of me: an answer to the uncertainty that plagued my life, if only I would turn to ask it for guidance.
“When you’re a small piece of a big puzzle, you gotta fix what you can.” Hushpuppy, Beasts of the Southern Wild
Once I saw the potential in viewing movies this way, I was able to refine my understanding of that underlying pattern with each new inspirational film I watched. More than just giving me a greater appreciation of film (which it certainly did), doing so told me things about what I could do about challenges in my own life, and about what I wanted to be doing in the world.
More than just vague inspiration, I saw that there were implications for action there. I started using the movies I resonated with as generators, refiners, and reminders of who I was trying to become. They became my life coach in a very real sense.
I’d always been a movie fan, but I started consuming with an intention that was absent before. I watched movies very closely, and I watched myself just as carefully while I did. I saw what I respected reflected back at me constantly, and I worked to bring myself into alignment with it.
I brought the lessons I was learning to my studies and to my personal life and things began to improve, slowly at first and then with increasing speed. My grades improved drastically; I found the courage to share myself, and build relationships and lifelong friendships. More importantly, by looking to my heroes for inspiration, I found my way back from the edge of hopelessness.
In using my resonance with movies as a guide, I discovered a personal hero all my own, the embodiment of all the traits I found admirable. I still look to that character for guidance today, and every great movie I see brings it more into focus.
“We’s who the Earth is for.” HushPuppy, Beast of the Southern Wild
The crafters of movies, the writers who plot them, and the real-world people they draw on to drive their creative works are the bedrock of inspirational resonance that movies call forth in us. People follow patterns that take their life on trajectories that are often hard to see except in hindsight. The medium of film is an art form because it can distill those complex patterns and lengthy timelines into kernels of wisdom about human action that are enjoyable, poignant, and powerful.
In life, the inevitable question that arises for all people is: what do I do now?? Some films, ones that inspire and resonate with us strongly, ask that question and then provide an answer. They do so by showing you a character moving from a place of tumultuous uncertainty to one of spiritual equilibrium.
They show you patterns of action that yield answers to the big question, and they have a rationale that justifies it. They keep you engaged, and speak to deep truths within you. They inspire you to be more than what you are, and they show you exactly how. They make you believe it’s possible. They give you hope.
One would be very lucky to find a life coach who can do better than that.
Movies are one of the most powerful tools we can use to assist us in becoming ourselves. Because I’m committed to having everyone share in that process, and I believe what resonates with you is all about YOU, I give out free recommendations of great films based on individual taste in my free time. You can follow this link to get yours 🙂
BIO:
Khemit Bailey is a writer, entrepreneur, and true believer in the transformative power of fiction.
He blogs about great fiction and the mastery of personal stories at The Character Arc. He also co-hosts the FYMP Podcast which focuses on the same topics.
Gravatar e-mail: tyshalle99@gmail.com
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My recent birthday brought to mind this post I originally published in June of 2019. Given all that’s gone on in the first half of 2020, the three gifts I gave myself last year seemed helpful to revisit. I hope they are encouraging to you on your journey toward Becoming Yourself.
I turned fifty years old last week. My wife Lisa and I took a scenic train ride through the Napa Valley countryside and enjoyed a gourmet meal to mark the occasion. I’d always thought this particular birthday would be a momentous milestone, but honestly it didn’t feel like either a big celebration or a sad farewell to my younger days.
That said, hitting the fifty year mark did offer a poignant opportunity for introspection, and since I have a contemplative bent, I did some reflecting. I looked back over where I’ve been in my life. I looked around at where I am. I looked ahead to where I’m going. After all that looking, I decided to give myself three gifts for my fiftieth birthday:
GIFT #1: FORGIVENESS
I gave myself the gift of looking at my past with forgiveness. Forgiveness for my mistakes. For my failures. For the opportunities I’ve squandered. All that looking back brought plenty of those less pleasant memories to mind. I could surrender to shame and regret, but what good would that really do? It wouldn’t help me or anyone else. So, while remembering the lessons those stumbles have taught me, I’m choosing to admit that I’m imperfect and letting myself enjoy the gift of grace, both from God and myself.
GIFT #2: GRATITUDE
I gave myself the gift of looking at my present with gratitude. Gratitude for what I’ve been given. For what I’ve accomplished. For who I’ve become. Like all of us, I’ve had, and continue to have, my problems and struggles, but overall my life is amazing. I have a great family and friends. I’m healthy. I get to do work that I enjoy. I have an exciting and healing relationship with God. I live in a place I love. And while I still have a long way to go, I’ve made good progress on my personal development goals. I have so much to be grateful for. I’m giving myself the gift of gratitude because it makes my problems feel smaller and my life sweeter.
GIFT #3: HOPE
I gave myself the gift of looking at my future with hope. I have no idea what the rest of my life will bring. I may be dead tomorrow. Tragedy could strike in any number of ways in the coming months and years, and I’m sure I will face more hard times. That said, I believe there are exciting adventures ahead. Unexpected joys. Worthwhile endeavors to be attempted and completed. Relationships to be savored and experiences shared. I’m expectant, buoyed by my belief that whatever comes, God has my back and will carry me through (for more on finding hope, see my post here).
So how about you? You don’t need to wait for a special milestone to give yourself these gifts. Do it today. Take just ten minutes to reflect on your life. Start by looking honestly at your past mistakes, failures, and regrets. Then give yourself the gift of FORGIVENESS. Spend the next few minutes looking at the good things about your present, and give yourself the gift of GRATITUDE. Spend some moments looking at your future. Think of the possibilities, experiences, accomplishments, and relationships that await, and give yourself the gift of HOPE. Finish off your time in silence, clearing your thoughts and listening for anything that God, the universe, or your own mind might have to say. If you do, you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.
