A long time ago I was making small talk with someone when he started talking about extra-marital affairs. I had asked him why he changed jobs. He said he left his old career because cheating on your spouse was rampant in that industry. To get away from that environment, he moved to a more family-oriented occupation. I admired him for that. A year after our conversation he had an affair with someone at his new job.
What happened? This man took a big proactive step to be the kind of person he wanted to be. He changed his outward situation and still made the exact mistake he was trying to avoid. Why? I think it was because he didn’t change on the inside. At least not enough or in the right ways. His old job, while a negative environment that I applaud him for getting away from, turned out not to be the real issue. He just carried his problems and struggles with him to a new place.
Please hear me clearly, I am not throwing stones at this guy. I know myself well enough to remember how I’ve failed in various ways in the past and how vulnerable I am to failing again in the future. We all have our issues. We’ve all fallen short of the person we want to be, many times. I use that story to remind me that if I want to become my best self, I have to own my own problems vs. blaming other people or my circumstances for my shortcomings.
Here’s the difficult truth I have to embrace – the biggest problem I have in becoming the person I want to be is ME. Not my job. Not my spouse. Not how much money I have. Not my kids. Not my circumstance. It’s me. My attitude. My choices. My perspective. My thoughts. My actions. Me. And, if you’re like me, I’m guessing your biggest problem is you.
Some of you have found yourselves in very difficult circumstances that you had no hand in creating. Some of you have a much harder life than most through no fault of your own. I get that, I really do. I feel deeply sorry for your pain. But thinking of yourself as a victim will not help you. Whatever hand you’ve been dealt, decide to play it the best you can. You often can’t control what happens to you but you can control how you choose to respond to it. And your response depends on what’s inside of you, not anything on the outside.
So be honest with yourself. Stop blaming external things. Own your own issues. Define your goals. Articulate your dreams. Make a plan. Take the next step. Get some help. Turn to friends, faith, family, experts, whomever and whatever you can for guidance and support. It’s not easy but it’s so worth it. You can do this! And if you do, you’ll take a giant leap toward Becoming Yourself.
Thanks for the thought provoking words, Matt. Would be great if this were a once and done issue, but I find I must constantly be aware and work at not being my own worst enemy. Praise God for the help He offers –whatever my issues may be!
Thanks so much for the encouragement and for sharing that, Den. So true. This is something I need to constantly work on and I’m grateful for all the help I can get!
Well stated, Matt. Self awareness is really important. Especially when denial and rationalization can be so powerful.
Thanks so much for that, Ron! It really is difficult to be honest with ourselves sometimes but so important if we want to grow. I appreciate the feedback!
You’re right – often, we don’t care whose fault something actually is – we just want it not to be OUR fault. Or at least, not to LOOK like it was our fault. Why? Because fault creates the responsibility to try to fix what happened. The other side of this, though, is just because something isn’t my fault doesn’t mean it’s not my responsibility.
It’s one thing to explore old hurts for the lessons they teach and quite another to live there, wallowing in the anger and pain and loss. As I say to my students all the time, scars tell us where we’ve been – they don’t have to dictate where we’re going.
xox
Thanks a TON for that insight, Squeaky! I love your point that “just because something isn’t my fault doesn’t mean it’s not my responsibility.” Beautifully said and critical to implement in our lives. And I am totally stealing what you say to your students about scars :). I’ve never heard it put quite that way before and it’s such a powerful image. Thanks for sharing!