There is a simple, free, powerful tool of personal development that most of us avoid:
Solitude.
How do you react to that word? What other words or images come to your mind? Loneliness, boredom, useless, longing? Do you picture yourself on a desert island or an isolated mountaintop or in a crowded room full of strangers who ignore you?
You may live by yourself and experience being alone on a regular basis. Many of us went through forced isolation during the Covid-19 pandemic. But how often do we use our time alone to experience real solitude? When we distract ourselves with television, email and social media, we aren’t really experiencing solitude, at least not in the personal development sense. There’s nothing wrong with any of those things, but they’re generally not transformative.
The type of solitude I’m talking about is being alone with yourself. Your thoughts. Your regrets. Your hopes and dreams. Your reflections on life. On who you’ve become and who you want to be. That type of mental and emotional exercise can be uncomfortable at times, which is why it’s often avoided. Distracting ourselves is far easier.
But wonderful things can happen in solitude. New insights. Renewed hope. Self-forgiveness. Clearer perspectives. And for those of us with a spiritual bent, we can find a deeper connection with God, the universe, Love or whatever we may call our higher power. My daily time of solitude in our bedroom closet for meditation and prayer is the cornerstone of my spiritual, emotional and mental wellbeing.
Author and Harvard professor Henri Nouwen beautifully described the power of solitude:
“A life without a lonely place, that is, a life without a quiet center, easily becomes destructive. When we cling to the results of our actions as our only way of self-identification, then we become possessive and defensive and tend to look at our fellow human beings more as enemies to be kept at a distance than as friends with whom we share the gifts of life.
In solitude we can slowly unmask the illusion of our possessiveness and discover in the center of our own self that we are not what we can conquer, but what is given to us. In solitude we can listen to the voice of him who spoke to us before we could speak a word, who healed us before we could make any gesture to help, who set us free long before we could free others, and who loved us long before we could give love to anyone. It is in this solitude that we discover that being is more important than having, and that we are worth more than the results of our efforts. In solitude we discover that our life is not a possession to be defended, but a gift to be shared. It’s there we recognize that the healing words we speak are not just our own, but are given to us; that the love we can express is part of a greater love; and the new life we bring forth is not a property to cling to, but a gift to be received.”
henri nouwen
Have you experienced real solitude lately? Do you feel the need? Make the time today. Get alone. Breathe deep. Quiet your mind. Let your thoughts come. See what bubbles up. Process it honestly. You may find unexpected treasures, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.
Text excerpts taken from “You are the Beloved” by Henri J.M. Nouwen, © 2017 by The Henri Nouwen Legacy Trust. Published by Convergent Books.
Matt — “We are not what we can conquer, but what is given to us” brought tears to my eyes. I have lived alone for 22 years and it has taken a good portion of that time for me to move from loneliness to solitude. I find choosing solitude to be very different than having it imposed on us — as in an illness or a living situation which we have not chosen. However we come to it, it is an opportunity to “go deep.” Thank you for this profound message! Susan
Oh Susan – thank you SO much for sharing your heart and situation. Your insight is deep and meaningful. What a gift you have found through long struggle and what a gift you’ve given us for sharing it! I appreciate you more than you know. Much love my friend!